Saturday, 1 February 2014

Dear Matilda Mae, Forever more...

Dear Matilda Mae,

As I know not where to start, I look at photos of you, your mummy so pretty, your daddy, so strong, your sister and your brother, gorgeous, just like you. And what stands out for me in these photos is your smiles, your eyes. In all of you, you have starry eyes, those eyes that light up a room, those windows to your soul, deep and beautiful and full of life, all of you possess these eyes.

Only you, my sweet angel, now have angel eyes. Shining like a star, your soul entwined with your family's, their arms missing you in theirs', their hearts laden and full of sorrow.

I wanted to have a conversation with you, tell you how your mummy is doing as you shine down on her from up above. What would you say to your mummy if you could talk to her in words, in pictures, in sounds?

Bubble blowing rainbow bubbles that scooped her up and lifted her to the stars with you for a while. You would crawl over to her, climb on her, gaze up into her longing, lonely, loving eyes. If you could speak, you would tell her that you haven't left her, not really, she just cannot see you with her earthly eyes anymore, but she can feel you, and that is because you are still there, and always will be, just until you get to be carried in her arms again. Time for you is not like time for us, it may feel like minutes for you, till she is with you again, holding you into her...As her heart bleeds to do.

I know your mummy, not that well, but I am honoured to call her a friend. Matilda Mae, how proud you will be of how she still continues, pushes through, despite. Looking after, not just barely, but wonderfully, deeply, enriching that brother and sister of yours. I look on at wonder and awe at who your mummy is.

She feels lost, half dead, where the other half lies with you. Only I know you would say that it should not lie dead with you, as you are soaring on bubble clouds, in heaven with the angels, in wonderment at all that surrounds you. That other half that went with you is flying, tumbling, laughing, giggling, blowing bubbles with the angels, surrounded in a love incomprehensible to us on earth. You would tell your mummy that that side of her too should be lifted with you, not dead, alone, bewildered and sore.

As I wonder what to write to show your mummy how much I, and SO many others care, how much she does for mummies, for the Lullaby Trust, I know you, Matilda Mae are whispering from near by on the clouds, saying "Hey mummy! Look at me! I am still here, I am waiting, it won't be long and the angels are taking good care of me as I watch over you, just until, only until you, mummy, are here too!"

Matilda Mae, how hard your mummy works, at raising awareness of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, th eLullaby Trust, raising funds tirelessly, raising your brother and sister wonderfully, inspiring any and all who come across her story.

I want to talk to your mummy too, tell her to let go a tiny bit, not of you, my darling baby girl, never to let go of you, but of the weight she adds to her guilt, of feeling she is unworthy, feeling like she drifts through the days without you. Drifting with a lead weight around her, having lost you. Yet all who know her and see, all who know your mummy and stay a while to witness her as a person, a mummy of two on earth, one in the skies, that she does not drift, she swims. She is capable, wonderful, inspirational, and has me, for one, in awe.

Jennie, if I could just hold you, say no words today, just hold you, cry with you, gaze at the sky and wait for the brightest star to light up, my arm round you, I would.

But I carry her from afar, mummy-to-mummy, and I pray for her and your family, and know, I just know you are there.

May she know peace, your mummy, a pain residing, but a pain that does not destroy-you would tell her that I know. But she turns it around that outstanding mummy of yours, she is one determined lady!

God bless the Edspire family today and all days, until you are all together again.

Love from one of your mummy's friends,

Tamsyn xxxxxxxx

You can read Jennie's story here. And support the Lullaby Trust by clicking here and making even the smallest of donations in the name of Matilda Mae's Trust fund. Thank you x

Dear Alex, A Piece of God.

First day at school for all of them back in England.

Dear Alex,

Crowded House, one of my all-time favourite songs- Distant Sun, plays in the car on the way home from seeing you:

"You're still so young to travel so far 
Old enough to know who you are 
Wise enough to carry the scars 
Without any blame, there's no one to blame
It's easy to forget what you learned 
Waiting for the thrill to return 
Feeling your desire burn 
And drawn to the flame..."

Youth is something I do not feel anymore. Although at the same time, I feel so young, such a novice, scrambling around an unknown world. Of incomprehensible complicities, emotions and circumstances.

There was a situation at the Centre today, I got angry with some of the staff, they calmed me down, explained everything, gave me a hug, told me to look after me, they would look after you...I was sorry for my minor outburst, but I realise where it came from. From 2 1/2 years of lots of mistakes, bad decisions, neglecting you...And I cannot tolerate it for a second; if I see anything which resembles this, I fly. I see red.

It makes me realise how small things shine a mirror on my inner pain, which I have scraped a load of dust over, just to hide it temporarily in order to carry on. Then a wisp of air that uncovers a little, shows up, maybe even the smallest, minutest part of that pain, and I feel enraged, crushed, alone.

It uncovers a minute part, but even the minute part is vast.

Reaches depths I could never plunge into to analyse and heal, I just have to keep on living.

That's all we can do.

I miss you.

Today, as I had to leave, you and I are in tears, yo tell me something that I cannot understand, but feel is important, it takes several attempts and you hold me, kiss me and say

 "Tamsyn, you are my piece of God in this life"

WIth this remark, I realise just what I mean to you, and through it all, the depths of your heart and soul love me as deeply as they ever did..And I fall in love with you just that little bit more...

Sleep peacefully my baby...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Friday, 31 January 2014

Dear Alex, It will be a long month.

Dear Alex,

This month will be a long month. This year will be a tough one.

The Weekend marks two years since I stepped on a plane, our four babes in my arms, our suitcases and a one-way ticket to England. Leaving France, our home, our friends. The children our children had grown up with, the only life our children knew.

The 2nd February 2012 was the day we left.

The day it all ended, the day we came back.

In March I have another birthday, another one with no card written by you, no hand made cards made by you with our kids. No cake, no present, not that any of that matters, it is your not being there even to wake me with a kiss, a silly rendition sung loudly of 'Happy Birthday my angel-bottom!' By you...

No you.

The 13th March 1978. I arrived on earth.

And now live and walk this earth without you by my side.

In April, we celebrate our tenth year Wedding Anniversary.

Ten years married, twelve together.

How lonely I will feel. Nothing special planned, how can we?

No where to go, no special thing planned, no letter from you, as you would always have written me.

I miss those letters, you talking to me. Your unconditional love, your arms wrapped around me, whispering sweet nothings into my ear.

The 16th April 2004 was when we married.

It was the best thing (asides having the kids) I ever did. The happiest day, the most wonderful day. I try and relive the Wedding vows, I remember breaking down in the 'In sickness and in health' I barely made it through that vow...How prophetic my feelings had been. How innocent, naive I was.

It is going to be a tough few months.

I go to bed, still finding it difficult to shut off. Shut off without you there.

I drop the kids to school and when they are all there, walk away with a lump in my throat, tears, hidden in my eyes.

I am alone again.

I miss you Alex.

I miss you more as the days leap on.

I just miss you.

Forever yours my angel, forever walking with you, forever loving you,

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Dear Alex, Seeking Solace.

The Winter Wonderland fundraiser we did for you last year.

Dear Alex

I cannot stop the panic tonight, the heart palpitations, the ache around my heart, searing from time-to-time.

I have had a very stressful afternoon, and it is rolling over and spilling out into the next few days as I try and wrap everything up before the close of play, when everyone goes home for their weekend. Only the weekends for us are not as we used to know them. Not how they used to be. A family untied, deciding lazily, tired from night shifts with the kids, where we would go to let them run off steam.

It is a question, now, of how do I break it to them that we are going in to see you again, that the journey made Mitzi throw up the other day, that it sometimes takes 1hr 3/4 to get to see their daddy, where there is very little to do for them and I am preoccupied with you. Their groans, their 'oh mum, do we have to?' And I talk to them about family units and family time being different but essential, no matter what effort it takes. About responsibility, about supporting their dad, about patience and kindness and setting aside our own wants for the bigger picture... And I hear myself repeating myself every time we visit you, and I see their baby faces, rosy cheeked and full of expectation, innocence of life, and I feel such sadness fro them.

I feel tired, I feel like I go up, I pedal well for a while, positive, looking forwards, then I crash, as I realise when the kids are in bed, I live alone. A mummy alone. No partner to guide me through, run me a bath from time-to-time. Talk to me, chat with me.

No one to wonder together if we are raising them right? Doing the right thing? Just his mummy to talk to about football went, when Monty gets home. Knowing I do not understand the rules and I couldn't kick a ball if my life depended on it! So I cook him his second dinner as he tells me, hot faced, sweaty, wet from playing in the rain, covered in mud, "I'm starving, mum!' I make him hot chocolate, cuddle him and read a little while with him to get him to sleep...

I love these kids.

But loneliness, when it hits, regardless of whom is around, hits hard. It is a sudden vacuum, sucking in it all the positivities, it spits out moments and memories of who we were before.

And I ache.

Oh and how I ache tonight.

Tears spill, yet nothing alleviates my need for you.

I wish our world was just you and me again.

How much I lost you when you had your accident, I could never have been prepared for.

So many involved.

Too many involved...

...And I seek solace...

A solace from a man I will never know or feel again.

Me xxxxxxxx

Monday, 27 January 2014

Dear Alex, Through this part too...

Dear Alex,

Maybe it's just that I am tired, maybe it is that it is the constant rain, maybe a number of things...

Maybe I am coming down with what the kids have had and 2 of them have been at home today.

Or maybe it is because you have rung me 8 times tonight, distressed, shouting, telling me to come in, not listening to me, not calming, rendering me feeling sad and useless.

Isolated and raw I am left feeling when you are like this.

Like, when you are good, life is rich, 'doable', it is not easy or perfect, but it is better than I ever would have imagined staring at you, holding your lifeless hand, machines breathing for you, tubes and beeps and screens and nurses checking you every few minutes, waiting, holding my breath, waiting for a slight glimmer that you may wake from your coma, profound.

The moments you are smiling, cuddling me, progressing, making an effort to talk clearly, standing well, those times, I think 'I can do this'.

It is times like tonight, when you are distressed, unconsolable, the times when I have lost you and you are no where for me, no where to be seen, lost in a damaged brain that cannot fight its way back to me...

And what can I do?


Not a thing.

Even the phone calls do not allay your cries.

I cannot reach you.

It throws me immediately deeply back into a well of sorrow.

Into a well of fear, is this it again? Is this going to last?

There are no guarantees, no 'hold on for me baby, I will be back, I just need to go through this part too'

And yet, even in this part too, I love you.

For this part too, where my heart beats too fast, my mind races, my soul aches hard...

...I will hold you, wait for you to surface again.

I will wait...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 26 January 2014

Dear Alex, Less about you...

Dear Alex,

I would walk to the other end of the earth for you, I would carry you if needs be, I would do whatever it took to get you fit and well again.

I will love you forever, and for eternity, and wrap you up in just that, if it took that for you to come home to me...

This goal, is still at the forefront of my mind. Still my main goal, and I will believe in this and clasp it into my being, until it is a reality.

Unbelievably, this week, despite all the odds stacked up against you, you have maintained an amazing humour, been happy and stable mood wise. I do not think I have seen a week like it before. There is something else that has changed this week, you asked me how I was on the phone, and asked after the kids, and told me to tell the kids you loved them...You seem to be thinking slightly less about you. less egocentric. More aware of others around and of what they are doing. You have asked me where I am, what I am doing. Like you are taking an interest in me! It has been such a welcome change and I have felt less that I am everything for you, and more like there is a bit of you that is surfacing who is interested and caring about me still. It is a small bit less lonely with you like this.

Alex, I feel like the possibilities are endless, and to think you still continue to make progress is SUCH an inspiration to anyone out there who has suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). We are told constantly by Neurologists, that progress continues to happen very slowly up until 18 months- 2 years, then there will be little if no change. But just this week shows how wrong this theory is!

My mind whirrs with ideas to create a charity to help young families in grief through Making Waves for Alex, this is all I want to do, to make our situation and your progress an inspiration and a story of hope where there is none. To aid families who go through traumatic times at young ages, speak from compassion and a real knowledge and truth in what I am talking about...

I hope to try and get the wheels in motion for this now. Although it will take some time...

I truly am your biggest fan Alex, and have fallen even further in love with you this week...IF that were even possible...


Me xxxxxxxxx