Friday, 1 March 2013

Dear Alex, Not This Time

1st March 2013

Dear Alex,

It's the same symptoms every time. My eyes burn, heavy their lids. Headache and each time I turn I have to balance myself, as dizziness sets in. My chest is tight my heart pounds. I saw the Dr once about it, he told me it was just stress.

"..let my prayer like incense rise before you.."

I sing the lyrics with intent. Hoping my prayers are being heard.

I nearly breathed a sigh of relief and happiness yesterday, nearly. DIY SOS rang me in the morning. They wanted to see if I met the criteria to come in, blitz the house and thus I would have you baby, home! I waited on tenterhooks and the phone rang this morning. Would this be it? My answer to prayer? An end to the long drawn out heartache? But the reply stings. I don't own the property so unless I do, they cannot bend the rules.

The council OT came round to see what could be done, if anything with the grant I may or may not qualify for. It would be a long drawn out and by all accounts arduous process. I wouldn't be able to have you home, for 6 to 9 months, and that's providing everything goes through, and it goes through with not a single hitch. Meaning home visits for you would be impossible during the time they were doing the work.

So I sit, full to the brim with sadness and utter defeat. I just cannot rise above it today, cannot peer out just to see if there is a light somewhere, because it just seems there is not. And I am done. I'm wounded, I'm tired I am drained.

My only feasible option is to move you to a care home nearer to me. There is one, it's apparently got less Physio less speech therapy, but I have to change something. I can't keep (although I will) doing the long journeys.

Even that is not a good option. For so many reasons, the only good thing really would be you'd be closer.

I feel trapped and weak and vulnerable and I want you back.

I can't pour my heart out to you, I can't because due to the brain damage you laugh now when and if I am ever distressed around you for whatever reason. You just laugh at me. You have no idea.

Something has to come up, a spring must be about to flow up from he desert ground surely?

Me xxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Dear Alex, My Dream Life...

February 27th 2013

Dear Alex,

Heron lands, long legged and perching on my fence in the garden. They are birds that do not search for their food, they wait for it to come to them then strike. I felt a message in it. The heron does not seek frantically food, it sits in calm and always eats all it needs. I felt it was a message to tell me I need to do the same. Stop frantically searching solutions, draining myself of energy, desperate and distraught as I try hopelessly to tear down closed doors.

Maybe I need to sit and wait? Just do a bit more sitting still, you know I'm not good at that! I need to be doing, achieving, seeking, finding, chasing and working. You know I can't sit still, something not in my nature! Especially not now, not these days. How can I?

I charge about, covering feelings thoughts, memories with hurry and fight and busyness. It's easier like this.

Because what happened to you and what has happened to you and your unseeing eyes that flicker, never able to see your own children, will always be there breaking my heart.

I wait for more care plans to be done to see if I can have you home at the weekend.

And I think what a crazy world it is that I cannot just have you at home with me and the kids, that so many factors get in the way and other people have their official decisions they make and all I, you, we all want is to be together again as a family, that's all.

That's my dream life these days, just to be under the same roof as my husband!

I'm holding on to hope at the moment, there's maybe some amazing news in the pipeline. But I cannot say and I cannot let myself think it may happen until it does! I did tell you but I know an hour later you had probably forgotten it!

It's late, I'm tired, and I think I'll try and get to bed before midnight tonight.

I am yours Alex Wood and I just love you because you are mine.

Me xxxxxxx

Monday, 25 February 2013

Dear Alex, More of you.

25th February 2013

Dear Alex,

It seeps, floods, it challenges, it reaches and strengthens and soothes, it makes whole again. I knew it would, I knew you being here would be nothing but healing.

But it's the morning of the day you have to return, and my stomach has flipped.

Last night lying next to you on the sofa, I have a conversation with you that I never thought I would again. I had only hoped, prayed, clung on desperately, and tonight was the night! You look as though you're lost in thought after I have put the kids up to bed one-by-one. Each has had a story and sat between you and me. Monty refuses, he just wants to skip the story, he never 'skips his story': he curls up, cuddles and we alternate reading and he sighs and says 'oh, just one more page mum, please!' But tonight, he refuses one. He's so distant with you, never talks to you, is never around you, the girls love having you at home, they sit on your lap, read to you as you now cannot read to them. They draw you pictures and talk you through them, they make you practice your speech! They sit and they cuddle you. Only Monty, he doesn't, he can't.

You say to me after I ask you what you are thinking 'I can't stop thinking about Monty, does he like me?' and whilst I discuss this with you, you say 'I wish I was still the same as before'

This is the first time you have ever verbalised or acknowledged you know you are different.

Hearing this I fling my arms tight around you, you have started to cry and I tell you it doesn't matter, that it just doesn't matter. That yes you are different, no you're not the same as before, but the love you have for me, the kids, that's as powerful and strong and unchanged as ever, that that's all I care about! That your love for me keeps me going, keeps me strong and focused and able. I just repeat how proud of you I am and how you being different just doesn't matter!

And as I notice the date I realise it was exactly 11 years ago to the day that I drove 3 hours to be with you, to go out for a 'quick drink' and I never went home again! 4 days later we were engaged...

And baby I am so blessed and so lucky that I found the love I have in you. My heart, my soul, my being could never want for more. I love you, no matter how changed, different. You are slowly coming back, slowly gaining more of you. And yet I love you now, as you are, I've loved you when you couldn't show me you loved me, loved you through times you will never remember but yet are engrained on my soul.

A talk with our boy after you left saw big tears fill his hurting eyes. He just needed me reassuring him whatever he was going through was ok, that it didn't make me or you love him any less. I told him your love is no different than before, you can't show it, express it in the same way, but it's a power a force that is unbroken. I think he just needs time, reassurance and time. I speak to him of how scary I found it letting go of holding on to the belief I'd get you back exactly the same as before, as I wanted that so. And how scary it was and how lonely I felt and how torn and sad and splintered felt my heart. But that I realised I'd rather have you different, than not at all.

He needs patience and time, and he will come round. And how relieved this mummy's heart will be when I see our boy cuddle you, chat to you about his day. It'll come. Time.

I miss you sitting here now having 'sent you back' to the nursing home. It's not right, not natural to have you away, so far away when all we both need is to be together.

Thank you for the most amazing weekend.

Me xxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 24 February 2013

Dear Alex, A Midnight Note.

23rd February 2013

Dear Alex,

Precious time and alone cuddles, your face contorts as it usually does, but I stoke it, looking up at you, telling you to relax it, your smile breaks the contortions. You kiss my head.

We listen to music, we lie sofa bound and happy in each others arms.

There's been so much happen this week. News to make me laugh, news to make me cry. People I feel angry with, people that never cease to amaze me and whom I could never do without.

As I type this late at night, Esmie sleeps, arms across me, you sleep now too, I hear the TV as the carer watches it downstairs. Mitzi has now been sick 3 times and I know I'm in for a night of it!

I still don't know what the future holds, I ache for the you that I once had, but adore the you you are now.

Anyway, this is just a little past midnight note to tell you how much I love you, my Alex, my adoring man.

Sleep well, I know here though you do.

And I will kiss you and tell you I love you when you wake,

Me xxxxxxxxxx