Thursday, 11 July 2013

Dear Alex, Tasks.

Dear Alex,

I didn't come in today...and it was very strange. I had so much on. I had the school picnic today which began at 12, so I just didn't have the time to drive up and back from you. 

I feel guilty though, it's alright for me, I get an afternoon with the kids...when do you ever escape what you are going through?

This week I have had varying tasks to accomplish, 

From contacting OTs to describe the sort of pen and cutlery I feel you would benefit from. It's taken a great deal of assessing and trying to describe the right dimensions, weight, type, grip etc is complicated!
I finally have a legal team on board who I have been in frequent contact with by email and phone over the past few days, scanning things in, compiling a vast dossier on you where you are at and what I feel you need and do not get, which has had me going to bed extremely late.
I've been doing the tax credit renewals and various house administration.
I have been in school a bit helping out, I love it and the kids love me being there, so I love the fact I am able to do this.
Daily visits to you, 2 hours in the car, and doing everything I can to help you and comfort you whilst I am there, before flying back for school pick up time, after school clubs and end of term events that are taking place.
I continue to seek out new ideas, ways of helping you communicate and exercise and massage to encourage you to move forward.
I find 5 things every morning before getting out of bed I can thank God for that are in my life, blessings that I count, name and carry on the inner monologue throughout the day.
I have had a chest infection, have a boil on my eye! And asthma back, which I haven't had in years and years.
I'm organising a holiday away for me and the kids- we go to france on Tuesday for a week. Something I need, something I can't wait for, to see my amazing friends in france who are very present, very wonderful and whom I miss everyday. But how much I will miss you and worry about you is almost overtaking the positives.
The move to Devon is all consuming too! Although a huge positive, the logistics of moving you, the house, the kids, the animals to a new area is hard. The facilities I am contacting, support for the kids, facilities for you...I have spent hours investigating and contacting people.

And I still say life is great. Life is wonderful, full of blessings, of people wonderful and kids innocent and full of life and fun.

That's why I haven't written to you as much this week, I've had a great deal on. 

I'm sorry I didn't make it in today, I will be in as usual tomorrow, and you will have my undivided attention.

I love you Alex, far more than you will ever know....

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 7 July 2013

Dear ALex, Star Wars

8th July 2013

Dear Alex,

Weekend of hellos and goodbyes. Wonderful friends whom we met when we lived up north, 10 years ago, came down for the weekend. They brought their baby- and you cuddle him, laying kisses on his baby head and as he grabs at you, you smile one of your beaming smiles...Healing baby cuddles and sun, and best friends ...

There are many things up in the air at the moment. I have metaphorically rolled up my sleeves and am bracing myself for a day of phone calls, emails, frustrations and desperation.

I know tomorrow will be a tough one. I will drop the kids at school, head in to see you.

With no one-to-one support, everyday is a losing battle trying to do everything for you, cramming it all in in the time slot when I can be with you, whilst trying to write up and compile a comprehensive document to arm myself with whilst dealing with authorities and trying to get you the right care, the care to help you, enable you to progress. All this, whilst trying to be a wife and care for you.

My heart races, I am dreading tomorrow if I am honest. I am just so sick and tired of having to pursue everyone, fighting to help you, trying to do the best and run kids around to their clubs, take them to the park, generally doing kids, all four, singlehandedly...And, oh yes, trying to relocate to Devon too!

So tonight, I shelve everything, after a day with you and friends in the sun, we get home late. The kids shower, I cook tea, they are pyjamad up and ready for bed. I take the girls up, stories, milk drunk and then Monty and I lie cuddling on the sofa watching Star Wars. I wonder if he thinks of you as he watches it? We haven't watched any Star Wars episodes since your accident, and it was one of your most favourite things to do with Monty- light sabre battles and watching a Star Wars film with him.

But it was me tonight.

And I know how it used to be, and so I cuddle him even tighter.

I will see you in the morning my angel, may God stand in whilst there is noone there with you. May you rest tonight in the Most High's strength.

May you continue to be healed, and not to regress, because, although I say nothing, I am terrified it's too late. That this is it, and that there is no return...Having thought how incredible it was to see how much you were coming on, to yet again the path sharply twisting showing us another unexplored, lonely route...

Till tomorrow,

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx