Saturday, 16 March 2013

Dear Alex, Quieter Life.

17th March 2013

Dear Alex,

I hear you cough downstairs, you've been in bed all day. An extremely nasty tummy bug has hit and you couldn't and didn't want to get out of bed.

A rare afternoon that I spend with Monty and three if his friends. My lovely friend took the girls to the cinema so I was able to take him without his little sisters tagging on! It was his very belated birthday trip, six months late! But I got round to it in the end. It was such a treat, I have been looking forward to it since I booked it for him. They went on a spy mission and were Special Agents, in their element! I felt so privileged to be around, to call him my son. Feeling completely fulfilled at being able to do things for him today, but on any day, whatever it is, for our kids, I love nothing better.

It was an afternoon off before being back to help you out with your troubles!

Mitzi, Monty, Lola have all decided to sleep in the other room tonight, so I lie in bed with Esmie, just us two. The first time ever I haven't got between 3 and 4 kids in with me! She breathes, her lips pout, I pray quietly for my little angel.

Life has been quieter recently, the usual chaotic existence, but I suppose my mind has felt quieter somehow. I feel less strung out maybe not having to do the long journeys to see you everyday, less of the mental strain and the guilt of leaving you as now you are home more than you are at the home.

Or maybe it's the vast improvements I have seen in you? Being able to converse with you, your speech has been incredible, so clear, your wit quick, and I chat with you and my smile beams, bright and proud as the sheer delight in your chatting so clearly lifts the fog for me, as I see so much more of you.

So much more...

Me xxxxxxxx

Thought For The Day #11

When life feels it is throwing you a hand you will never deal with, with love, hope, faith and determination even in your darkest times, you WILL pull through. Whether you claw your way out, give up for a while, then start the slow treacherous journey alone, if you can just inch forward, you will get to where life meant you to be at, and the Most High is willing you to get to.

I found this:

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Dear Alex, Another Birthday without you.

13th March 2013

Dear Alex,

As I drive the long drive to see you, I have butterflies in my tummy. I hate this, driving to 'visit' you, my own husband, my best friend and my everything. I can't help the niggling guilt that I'm failing you and the kids by not having you home yet, not at home permanently anyway with me and the kids.

I look back at my birthday last year, I was sat in the council offices, having just moved everyone back from our life's goal and our dream together of living in France, bringing our kids up together there. You were in hospital waiting to be transferred to the reeducation centre and were still in and out of a much lighter coma. They still classed you as being in one. You were hoisted out of bed once a day. To sit in a wheelchair for two hours then hoisted back again. Not making even a sound back then, fed through a gastric tube and weighing 57 kilos. I sit in the council office explaining the change in my circumstances, my life, zombie-like, alone, knowing no one and with no support around to speak of really. Esmie is with me and clambers all over me and I am 6 stone (38 kilos) and still on tranquillisers to help with the panic attacks, racing heart and insomnia. I'm losing hair and my whole body always hurts, it feels bruised and I just don't want to know anybody, I'm missing France, missing friends, missing that life and I think I've made the biggest mistake ever moving back to England.

My blinkers, however are on and I am in protection mode to such intensity and to such extreme that I manage. Seeing you every day, the kids, the change, the utter devastation of everything.

It's at this time I look, one day, at myself and see how negative everything is and how I am the only person who can change this. How, if I look continually through depression and negativity, I will rot, my soul and my faith and my mind.

And I won't.

And I can't.

Because I have you to look after and our four beautiful-souls to be a role model for.

This is when I start my 'five things to be grateful for before I get out of bed' and I start my gratitude journal.

Now, this year, looking back I see how far we have both come. And just how much love we have, we are surrounded by it and we are loved as we love.

And baby, you know what? I may be spending another birthday without you (apart from me visiting you) but I know this time next year we will be together, and we will be yet another year further on, and I cannot wait to see where you and I will be then!

I love you Alex, I know you'd have spoiled me if you could have done, friends stepped in and did that for me in your place. I would have had a letter written by you, as you did so frequently before. But now you spoil me with your undying love and how much stronger you're becoming, and not anything could ever replace that!

Me xxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 10 March 2013

Dear Alex, My Mother's Day Gift

10th March 2013

Dear Alex,

Up most of the night with a coughing Esmie, I woke tired. Another grey beginning I see clouds and grey skies. I lie, eyes open listening to you downstairs, wondering how and when we will sleep in the same room, the same bed together. I count my five things I am grateful for...

...For kids' smudgy handprints on the windows I cleaned a few days ago.

...You downstairs, a weekend together as a family.

...That I have warm covers and a pillow for cocooning me at night.

...That Esmie is lying in my arms, as she did most of the night, pressing on my nose asking me when I'm getting up!

...That the other three I can hear whispering and Monty comes through in oven gloves, with a luke warm cup of tea! Chorussing 'Happy Mother's Day!'

Despite grey skies and cabin fever and missing France, and knowing the work I would have to put in today, I'm happy and I smile as I rise.

The day drags though and it takes a colossal effort to get out the door for a short walk, all we could manage. The lack of space, the falling and breaking of the screens I have round your bed which fall on Monty hurting his leg, because there's just no room! The calls of assistance from the carer as you need changing/feeding/a drink or whatever it may be, and I try hard to breathe deep and breathe in the blessings of a body that works and washing machine that spins and food to eat. And I work hard all day in my mind and my heart, the washing machine has done 16 loads since Friday night and the sofa cushions had to come off and the floor is so stained and I cook and clean and no one will ever know how often I have hoovered this weekend! And I'm grateful for you being here, but then in the middle of story time with the girls, I'm called downstairs for the third time, to help change and re position you and when I try and settle the girls they just don't because it's not been a mellow one it's been me having to be in a hundred directions all at once.

But Monty does not refuse his story time tonight, I offer him the place inbetween you and me and he shrugs and says 'oh ok mum' I see him place his arm around your shoulders, I bite back tears and try and carry on reading. It's 'Gangsta Granny' by David Walliams and it's the most unexpected thing most unexpected book to have the reaction and create what it did, but it did.

The boy's granny dies, and the boy realises he is so sad because he never realised how interesting his granny really was until it was too late. The chapter ends, we sit quietly, I see Monty's large blue eyes reflect. He gives you a quick kiss, I say 'right then up to bed' and get up and make our way, then he does suddenly an about turn, comes running back and flings himself at you, you catch him in your right arm, and his little heart sobs and shoulders heave and he says 'I love you so much dad, I'm sorry' and you hold him so tight and kiss him and tell him 'oh Monty, you're my favourite boy, I love you so much' and you say it as clear as day and we all can't stop the tears.

I lie next to you now, feeling lighter, after the day got so hard with all the work, my gift was our son showing you he loved you.

A gift so perfect and so priceless, nothing else could I have wished for as a Mother's day present.

Another reason to be grateful.

Another day tomorrow...

Me xxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, My favourite moment this

This is the first time Alex has managed this with such ease and precision, well done my angel! You are getting stronger every moment you are at home...

me xxxxxxxxxxxx