August 14th 2012
At times I want, I need, to run, scream, kneel down and bang my fists pound out the hurt, the ache, the frustration. I want to tell the world to leave me alone for a bit, I want healing for you, It's gone on long enough hasn't it? Now give me my old life back, let us get on with it how it was before.
And yet, there’s so much positivity, things are moving on, you’re going to be doing a few hours a week at home. In OT, you’re going to be on your own with the kids, one at a time, spending quality alone time with each one. You spoke today, and it was a little more articulated than a few weeks ago, although still difficult to understand, some words I understood well.
Esmie and I spend the entire day with you today. I didn’t feel I was ignoring or neglecting Esmie, and I felt we too had some important time together, accompanying you to all your therapies which went extremely well. Speech Therapy had you trying to control pitch in your voice, encouraging the right breathing and sounding out some vowels. Esmie joins in, she really benefitted from today. In physio they worked on your left arm, the tightness in your neck which sometimes, when you’re tired especially, sees your head drooping to the right. You sit up straight, and practice this. The therapies, as I say go well, the day went perfectly, and then at 4.30 I had to leave to get back for the big three who your parents had taken to the cinema today. It’s at this point that you start shouting out, bashing things, rising your upper body up, kicking. I try unsuccessfully to help you calm, give you pillows, plastic bottles, toys to chuck as far as you can. It got too much after half an hour and it was affecting Esmie who cries saying ‘I want daddy back’. This in turn feeds your frustration, I can’t calm you, or Esmie and I lose it myself. I know I should have stayed strong, but I just couldn’t see you like that.
All the frustrations of where you are, how you are now, the desperation, the unknowing, your whole world alien to you…
I am never going to pretend I understand. I can have a go at guessing what it entails, but I’m never going to feel it as you do…
I just pray for peace and healing.
We have new things now to aim towards, and I hope I can carry you as you need through the dark periods…
For peace, for strength, for the right armour to endure this, for perseverance, acceptance and trust, trust that this is not all there is, there’s so much more healing to come.
Alex, despite what you go through, no matter what depths you plunge to, how immense and mighty the thicket of thorns you feel entangling you, I will never stop reaching out for you, dragging you through, being there and my love for you will always be shining, even when you think you can’t or don’t want to reach it.
I love you,