Saturday, 7 December 2013

Dear Alex, A and E.

My baby Esmie…5 years ago nearly..

Dear Alex,

I come through the automatic doors. Overnight bag in tow.

Noone, nothing, it is all quiet, no hustle, no bustle, no person, no anyone around. Swing doors, after a long walk, which feels like forever down a narrow corridor, finally I see someone in uniform, I ask directions…  Our very good good friend has spent the most part of the evening here with you, the once I had the kids settled and my friend babysat, has brought me back in to A and E to see you.

I had thought you may just fall asleep and I would have no need to go up there, to be honest it was all over a lettuce leaf you inhaled! I had kept in close touch and once they calmed you, your oesophagus relaxed and it slipped down. But they ring, they cannot settle you, nor understand what you are saying. 

I am here now. I follow the noise-I hear you from what feels like miles away down corridor after corrider, they are relieved, so relieved I am here, and see you smile and speak sense.

I am 'pulling' an all nighter... it is 4 am as I type. You lie in the Hospital bed beside me, mumbling, shouting intermittently, but you are OK now...It was a piece of Chinese leaf the panicked, inhaled it and A and E all night is the result...

I try and get you to sleep a while.

But at 6 am, after nothing could calm you, the had to give you something rely strong to send you to sleep. It is important you do. I doze for 1/2 an hour on a plastic seat. My ribs have ached all day.

YOu come home and have a rather unsettled day. YOu lie downstairs angry and shouting, and why is it I never get 'you' at the mount, or the other side of you? The smiling one, the one who still likes to have a laugh, be cheeky…

I have no answers.

I start re-introducing my internal mantra, which I feel, though sorrow and resentment I have let slip of late. I thank the Most High for the house, for the fact that there is a double waiting for us to both lie side-by-side in one day, I hope… The smiles the kids give me. The football matches Monty played today. The friends we have already built up here, who surround and comfort and strive with us and support. Gratitude, once you open the lid, cascades…

I need to keep doing this.

Remember to do this.


I have let it slip.

me xxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday, 5 December 2013

Dear Alex, Nothing seems fair...

Dear Alex,

Endless ocean, bottomless sea...higher then a swooping eagle, more piercing than its claws procuring its prey, sharper than arrows launched from point blank range...this is what being without you feels like.

There just is no escape, not ever.

You plaster over it, smile real smiles at times, laugh, live a productive, proactive life.

Yes there are joys, blessings, real times...But are they really real anymore, when such a void sucks the good times in like a vacuum, you can never be fulfilled again. The good times will never outweigh the pain.

And yet it's further on, it's over two years...but having lost you and not having much of you these days makes me realise the you I will never have.

Christmas is coming, the kids only care about presents, I am busy sorting out carers and transport and the days you can come... How fair is that? When everyone seems to have their family there and take that as a given.

When Daddy is there and Mummy and Daddy, they combine efforts to pack stockings, cook, tidy, play, wrap gifts, plan, enjoy, drink...

And I will be doing all this alone.

With a few days of you home, which I look at not with excitement and anticipation, I wonder how you will be, will it ruin Christmas for the kids, for me?

Nothing feels fair at the moment.

I don't want a thing for Christmas, not one thing wrapped, I want you, you to walk back to me, in through that door, the old more of this.

I want you.

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Dear Alex, A moment of treasures.

Dear Alex,

I found a moment's treasure, a moment's bliss, when I stumbled, today, upon this.

Your advice to me, written by you!

In order to understand this poem, Alex used to work at a safari park when I first met him, hence the reference to animals...


Surrounded by so many animals,
With the weather of tomorrow,
My thoughts and feelings become primal,
And love and zen quash the sorrow.
Life can change without warning
Depending on what the Most high has in store.
But it seems I am learning,
And listening to life's natural call.
I give thanks and praise to the Most High,
For giving me my love, and 
I pray she will always be mine
By talking to who's above.

Monday, 2 December 2013

Dear Alex, Three Winters.

Dear Alex,

Time passes; this will be our 2nd Christmas in England since we moved back, the third Winter we have known since your accident. 

It was another weekend of a troubled you, a fraught exhausted me, I have Labyrinthitis, an ear infection which affects your balance and makes you feel rotten. I have barely been able to move today without my head spinning, feeling sick and like I am going to fall over, clumsy and uncoordinated, it really is not fun!

I have set up several meeting this week to do with your care, as there are a few things I need to make sure are being carried out. One of the main ones is reducing with a view to weening you off all your current medication. The Professor Neurologist has finally agreed to write up a plan to do this, and I hope with less medicine in your body effecting you in so many ways, this will stabilise you and help you further.

Many of the side effects of what you take are : irritability, aggression, nausea, drowsiness, confusion and agitation. Imagine-everything you have! Although also, the side effects of brain injury can also be these. I do, however, believe strongly that you being off all the medication, as it is flooding such a delicate environment, this will serve to help you no end.

I wonder if I clutch at straws?

I wonder then, if it matters, even if I am?

It buys me a while longer to keep hoping for the next thing that may bring improvement.

I will see you on Wednesday, providing I can drive, as turning my head is not an option at the moment with this ear infection.

Sleep peacefully, healingly, dream of the future and progress and family life- al these I pray for when I switch out my light.

me xxxxxxxx

Sunday, 1 December 2013

Dear Alex, Wife.

Dear Alex,

To be a wife. That is my role, that is what I am to be and will be, despite what I get back from you. It hurts like hell not being in a relationship where it is two-sided, equal, wherein companionship is sought and found and we are together.

But what can I do?


I cannot change this.

So I have to simply, just be your wife, a wife. Wife.

And when I think of anything else, of life in a partnership, life in a two way relationship, life where two people are equal, where the roles are equal, I come unstuck...

The 'you' I see depends, it varies all the time, hourly, daily, and  I think of it like opening a fridge door. When the one you open contains rotten food, you reel from the smell, you don't want to and can't do anything with what is within, but it is there nonetheless. Sometimes I open that fridge and find fresh food, food I could make a banquet with, give me time, and my thoughts fill with recipe plans and future delicious meals.

You cannot help feel what you fell when something stares you in the face.

So I have to focus. Not on you and what kind of husband, friend or partner you can be to me, but on me, and what vows I undertook.

Solely me.

And what you are to me is irrelevant.

I have to focus.

I have to be your wife, regardless of what you are to me.

And I vow, and have vowed before God that I will be that for you,


Just because,


I am your wife,

Because whatever this life throws at us, I am me, I am wife, I am yours.

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx