Dear Alex, Nothing seems fair...

Dear Alex,


Endless ocean, bottomless sea...higher then a swooping eagle, more piercing than its claws procuring its prey, sharper than arrows launched from point blank range...this is what being without you feels like.

There just is no escape, not ever.

You plaster over it, smile real smiles at times, laugh, live a productive, proactive life.

Yes there are joys, blessings, real times...But are they really real anymore, when such a void sucks the good times in like a vacuum, you can never be fulfilled again. The good times will never outweigh the pain.


And yet it's further on, it's over two years...but having lost you and not having much of you these days makes me realise the you I will never have.


Christmas is coming, the kids only care about presents, I am busy sorting out carers and transport and the days you can come... How fair is that? When everyone seems to have their family there and take that as a given.

When Daddy is there and Mummy and Daddy, they combine efforts to pack stockings, cook, tidy, play, wrap gifts, plan, enjoy, drink...

And I will be doing all this alone.

With a few days of you home, which I look at not with excitement and anticipation, I wonder how you will be, will it ruin Christmas for the kids, for me?


Nothing feels fair at the moment.


I don't want a thing for Christmas, not one thing wrapped, I want you, you to walk back to me, in through that door, the old you...no more of this.


I want you.




me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx