Saturday, 7 December 2013

Dear Alex, A and E.

My baby Esmie…5 years ago nearly..

Dear Alex,

I come through the automatic doors. Overnight bag in tow.

Noone, nothing, it is all quiet, no hustle, no bustle, no person, no anyone around. Swing doors, after a long walk, which feels like forever down a narrow corridor, finally I see someone in uniform, I ask directions…  Our very good good friend has spent the most part of the evening here with you, the once I had the kids settled and my friend babysat, has brought me back in to A and E to see you.

I had thought you may just fall asleep and I would have no need to go up there, to be honest it was all over a lettuce leaf you inhaled! I had kept in close touch and once they calmed you, your oesophagus relaxed and it slipped down. But they ring, they cannot settle you, nor understand what you are saying. 

I am here now. I follow the noise-I hear you from what feels like miles away down corridor after corrider, they are relieved, so relieved I am here, and see you smile and speak sense.

I am 'pulling' an all nighter... it is 4 am as I type. You lie in the Hospital bed beside me, mumbling, shouting intermittently, but you are OK now...It was a piece of Chinese leaf the panicked, inhaled it and A and E all night is the result...

I try and get you to sleep a while.

But at 6 am, after nothing could calm you, the had to give you something rely strong to send you to sleep. It is important you do. I doze for 1/2 an hour on a plastic seat. My ribs have ached all day.

YOu come home and have a rather unsettled day. YOu lie downstairs angry and shouting, and why is it I never get 'you' at the mount, or the other side of you? The smiling one, the one who still likes to have a laugh, be cheeky…

I have no answers.

I start re-introducing my internal mantra, which I feel, though sorrow and resentment I have let slip of late. I thank the Most High for the house, for the fact that there is a double waiting for us to both lie side-by-side in one day, I hope… The smiles the kids give me. The football matches Monty played today. The friends we have already built up here, who surround and comfort and strive with us and support. Gratitude, once you open the lid, cascades…

I need to keep doing this.

Remember to do this.


I have let it slip.

me xxxxxxxxxxx

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