Tuesday, 8 April 2014

Dear Alex, How You Used to be in my World.

Easter Egg hunt in the woods x

Dear Alex,

I pull the whites off the washing line, tiny white school shirts, four different sizes, multitudes of each. Shadows pass over, I glance up, half-a-dozen crows fly by. Palm tree waves in the wind, I hear the sea.

The holidays are always full, negotiating extra hurdles as kids are full-time at home, so cooking and washing and cleaning take over in mammoth proportions. I cannot do much else, so all projects or plans are on hold till they go back to school. I am also still feeing pretty poorly with Laryngitis, so am fighting this too. I take the kids swimming in the afternoon, something I am now able to do that Lola is over 8 and knows how to swim. A new family trip I can take them on alone.

Then straight after we come in to see you.

My heart tears, splits in two. A fresh opening of an old wound.

And I realise that the time you spent in Exeter, I had no choice, so had to go with seeing you not very often, I knew you were in a wonderful place, and had an amazing shot at rehab and regaining skills.

Now, seeing you almost everyday again, I am back with you, in this life, no detachment, just plunged back into how much I miss you, want you.

Like I have parcelled up this wound, bound it in string, only there is no string strong enough to hold the wound together, inevitable that it will split open again, spilling a thousand shattered pieces of a heart to the floor.

Nothing will ever make it better, because no matter what happens in life, I still do not have you.

And I won't.

And my heart will bleed forever more for this.

You cling to me today, just crying, telling me you love me, you want to be with me, 'stay with me, please' you repeat.

And I cannot put a brave face on it, or cry silent tears.

Because I have to leave you there, this is how it is at the moment, and I hate that.

They cascade on the car and I say I am sorry to the kids, that being with daddy today made me sad, and I needed to cry to help myself feel a bit better… I could barely explain, could hardly get my words out…

Sorry kids, sorry Alex, I am not being very strong at the moment, but I just miss you, how you used to be in my world.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 7 April 2014

Dear Alex, The Man that Made me, Me.

Dear Alex,

Nearly our Anniversary, our 10 year Wedding Anniversary.

Our married life was cut so short.

I haven't much revisited the early years we were together. Although of late I find my mind trying to drift back to the comfort of those early years.

The before kids' years (though that was only 18 months in truth!).

The days of long walks in the woods with first just our dog, Oliver, whom I still miss every single day. Walks with then one child, then a second, a third then a fourth added to our brigade.

Walks went from being on the beach in the North of England to the shores of South West France. You pushed me, told me 'of course you have it in you!' 'Think of the life for the kids, the experience..' And despite being desperately scared, we packed up a few suitcases, Mitzi's, who was 6-weeks-old at the time, cot and got rid of all our earthly possessions! Heading for France with 3 under 3's!

You made me, me, Alex.

You saw things in me I didn't realise I had, saw strengths and aptitudes and you drew these out of me.

Made me change my ideas, not follow routine, throw everything I thought I knew and loved aside and head for another country. To discover life's richest gift- it is not where you are, it is who you are with, and I have loved everywhere, because I am with you and our babies.

All these things we did together has formed the part of me, although I will always struggle to, that can adapt swiftly, look directly past the moment and head in different directions.

You have helped me to cope.

Honed me, without even knowing, but being for me the person and soul I was always destined to meet and be with.

And as I approach the Wedding Anniversary which is next week, I will be approaching it with remembering the things you gave me.

Thank you my husband,

I love you always,

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 6 April 2014

Dear Alex, Chats.

After school on the beach… x

Dear Alex,

Holidays and now these are Easter days, and building memory days and I have begun without a voice and having lost my bank card…One, easily resolved as a wonderful friend lends me money to tide me over, the other, a little trickier… She cannot lend me her voice!

They are full of excitement, the kids, for the holidays, and for the first time ever, since you had the accident, for seeing you.

The emotion, the heights of emotion this sends me to, I have not experienced before.

The thought, the knowledge that they actually want to see you has not been something I have been lucky enough to hold before.

And yet they do, they want to see you, the enthuse, especially Monty.

We have the pre-holiday chat, the one where I tell them the things they can anticipate, things we can expect to work on- maybe things I have picked up on during the term, and things we can genuinely look forward to, and also what they would like to do, and how we can make that possible…

The 'Holiday' chat.

The, 'yet another chat without their daddy' chat

The, 'chat not involving my husband' chat

The 'not involving their daddy' chat

The chats I always have to have without you.

The 'where are you, Alex?' chats

So I focus unabated hope on what might be, what may be to come, for our kids..the hope they would want me to give them.


Kids need the truth.

They need optimism, hope, faith, something to work with.

If you do not give this to them

Who will?

In amongst reality, I need to offer them the truth with hope.

And I too, need to heed this.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx