Saturday, 22 February 2014

Dear Alex, No Escape.

My angels...

Dear Alex,

I need to escape at the moment. Pain has hit me again. It happens like this.

My head screams, "I want you back, I need a husband!" it will not stop, it is on repeat, screaming so much my head hurts, my eyes ache, I grow weary, the kids' voices I take ages to answer as it is hard to screen out the shouting and anger in my head.

Couples stroll, my soul shouts "You are so lucky, I will NEVER have that again…"

A dad picks up his child, my heart bleeds, you will never do that again…

I hate these phases. There is no escape from the blackness of all this, the guilt at the resentment I feel. Irrational and devastating. It ruins me.

I have learned there is nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, not even in my sleep. As I dream I am trapped, I cannot shout despite how hard I try, cannot make myself heard or understood, cannot open my eyes to see, if only I just could…Every effort in me manages to crawl sometimes, but I am terrified someone will fall on me, crush me, as I cannot stand up. I am thrown wall-to-wall, I cannot see what is happening, I cannot scream, however hard I might try.

I spend the days heart racing, facing the hours with a loneliness that gets worse the longer you are like this. The longer I know you are not coming back to me.

Yes, you will make progress, but you will not be 100 times better than you are now, and even a small amount better I couldn't stand…Because even that will not be anywhere near normal.

I am about to turn 36.

I have no hopes or dreams for my future with you, how can I plan for anything?

Have no plans for holidays, weekend family time, walks as a family, a bike ride, a trip somewhere, a meal together… I cannot hope for the normal.

And The way I feel at the moment I cannot have any less, I cannot cope with any less…

I feel like I have down this long enough, a mammoth test of my strength, endurance, and I can go on no longer…

God, give me strength, lessen the pain, dry my soul's tears, dull the ache in my heart, for I cannot do this alone.

I feel so alone…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, Sleepless Nights.

Dear Alex,

Trouble sleeping has been par for the course since you had your accident.

Nights I do not want the day to end, although I know I must close my eyes, try and get some sleep to be up at the crack of dawn each day to see to the kids, think and be for them and you.

I lie awake for hours. I rarely shut down before 1 am.

I have fallen asleep to the TV being on, usually on Iplayer so as I can watch comedies-I cannot do 'serious' anymore. The screen lulls me to sleep eventually, finishing the day and a false sense of someone being there as I fall asleep alone.

Alone in an oversized bed for just me.

A bed with four pillows, two, surplus to needs, one side redundant.

This half term has been a difficult one, highlighting a loneliness, a deep loneliness that will not go away. A cloud that I live through, breathe through, function through, raise four kids through. Talk normally to people, smile and laugh with people, daily banter with an ache pounding so hard I feel the smile will freeze at any second and I will stand still. Stuck to the spot, like a stick in the mud. Just prostrate and alone. No one to answer my call, because I can't just 'move on'. I cannot reach a stage where I have grieved enough and find it is time to move on… I am stuck. I am suffocated by the knowledge I am in a marriage where I am the only one functioning.

A one way marriage. A marriage without a husband, without a father for my kids.

It's unfair, unjust.

And yet, and yet, I hope. I am stuck in mud, but I hope.

I hope for the mud to clear, the rain and storms to finally wash it away and to float on a lake of peace with you by my side again.

I have no idea.

No idea what my future may hold.

It terrifies me to think about it.

To give any time to it.

I am stuck in the mud.

A redundant side of the bed which may never be filled by you again…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday, 20 February 2014

Dear Alex, Minute-by-Minute.

Dear Alex,

"We raise our white flag, we surrender all to you.."

"Your love has won…" I listen to the lyrics of this hymn-style song. I drink them in.

The other day I am there…

On occasion I pray with you.

I belive in the power of prayer, of meditation, of opening up those channels that are in our subconscious, that are there, real, but we rarely tap into.

I keep trying. I will not stop.

I pray with you about your sight.

For the first time ever, you say a prayer too. You ask the Most High to give you back your sight so you can see your beautiful wife…

My heart melts, a dee bitter realisation of what it is for you without sight. Without that simple gift we take for granted every morning we wake, every night we fall asleep.

I cannot tell you you will see again. I do know what it would mean. You seeing an apple across the room, wanting to eat it and getting up to try and reach it-the motivation you would have, the understanding of your life and surroundings and putting faces to names, reading, drawing, writing…Watching your own children play.

It is the biggest hurdle we face.

It is a mountain that needs to be moved, and God moves mountains, CAN give back sight.

So I will believe, I will pray, I will meditate for an eternity. Until you get back your sight.

I love you so much I hurt, daily, minute-by-minute as clocks everywhere tick, another second passes full of love and pain for me.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Dear Alex, Saying Goodbye.

Dear Alex,

They fly low, so clearly I see the dozen Geese, necks proudly extended, V shaped in the blue sky. We are at the beach, it's early afternoon and we are saying our goodbyes to our faithful friend, Oliver.

Scattering ashes into the sea where his favourite dog walk was.

We spend an hour or so there, wandering in and out of the waves, remembering our happy thoughts about Oliver. Betsie jumps at us all, sprints away, tears back at break neck speed, and the kids run, jump, dodge waves, drenched in sea and bright shining sun.

The sun bright, warm, no coat needed. And I am reminded in an instant why we live here. How it is a blessing where The Most High has brought us. all of it...

I have also just said good bye to my Best friend who has been down for 5 days, and know I will not see her again for a month or so, although we spend  days together every 6 weeks, it will be long till I see her again.

Evenings passed with my Best friend remind me of what I miss the most about having you here.

Company, companionship.

I struggle to escape loneliness in the evenings.

Days full of all manner of things, the evenings, kids in bed, resting sleepy heads after long activity filled days.

I sip a glass of wine.

I listen to the washing machine turning, the dishwasher churning. And I am alone again.

The sense, the feeling of being safe when someone is here, I never feel as strongly as when it is gone. My Best friend being here and now her absence has served as an unwanted recall of how much I miss you.

We now Skype at various intervals in the day, but there is always someone with you. There's no privacy in our relationship.

I yearn for that.

I ache for you.

I miss you Alex, I will never be able to express it.

No words would ever do justice to the aching inside. The days, which turn into weeks, which turn into months, which have turned into years…


I miss you.

Goodbye old friend, sleep well…Until I see you again…xxx

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxx