I need to escape at the moment. Pain has hit me again. It happens like this.
My head screams, "I want you back, I need a husband!" it will not stop, it is on repeat, screaming so much my head hurts, my eyes ache, I grow weary, the kids' voices I take ages to answer as it is hard to screen out the shouting and anger in my head.
Couples stroll, my soul shouts "You are so lucky, I will NEVER have that again…"
A dad picks up his child, my heart bleeds, you will never do that again…
I hate these phases. There is no escape from the blackness of all this, the guilt at the resentment I feel. Irrational and devastating. It ruins me.
I have learned there is nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, not even in my sleep. As I dream I am trapped, I cannot shout despite how hard I try, cannot make myself heard or understood, cannot open my eyes to see, if only I just could…Every effort in me manages to crawl sometimes, but I am terrified someone will fall on me, crush me, as I cannot stand up. I am thrown wall-to-wall, I cannot see what is happening, I cannot scream, however hard I might try.
I spend the days heart racing, facing the hours with a loneliness that gets worse the longer you are like this. The longer I know you are not coming back to me.
Yes, you will make progress, but you will not be 100 times better than you are now, and even a small amount better I couldn't stand…Because even that will not be anywhere near normal.
I am about to turn 36.
I have no hopes or dreams for my future with you, how can I plan for anything?
Have no plans for holidays, weekend family time, walks as a family, a bike ride, a trip somewhere, a meal together… I cannot hope for the normal.
And The way I feel at the moment I cannot have any less, I cannot cope with any less…
I feel like I have down this long enough, a mammoth test of my strength, endurance, and I can go on no longer…
God, give me strength, lessen the pain, dry my soul's tears, dull the ache in my heart, for I cannot do this alone.
I feel so alone…