Thursday, 24 April 2014
Often I realise, I will never get through this, never not need you as you once were.
Never not have to just live with that pain.
I have recently been avoiding photos of you, videos, everything to do with how you once were. It ties in with our Anniversary which has just come and gone like our marriage never existed, like 'we' never did.
It is coming to terms with how different it all has become now.
It is living as a wife with no husband (I do not say this lightly or cruelly).
The overwhelming realisation that this is me, you, this is the new 'us'.
It needs to settle in me for a while.
I try and avoid it a great deal, all too much to digest. too much to take on board. The one thing I have known I could never confront without falling, and my baby, I feel like I will.
Remembering days when I thought I would have most of you back at least.
Ten years married has forced me into a corner, forced me somewhere I never wanted to be.
And it is lonely, it is just me.
Me watching everyone else, families and dads and men and couples.
It's just me now Alex.
And I feel like I have finally realised you are not coming back.
Posted by Manic Mum at 15:43
Sunday, 20 April 2014
Sun begins to set on another day, Holidays nearly over, another event passed without you.
They seem relentless these events.
I stand in the kitchen making a roast Gammon with the trimmings for the kids, and some veggie dish for me. The kids watch a film, the rain has recommenced. Stuffing chocolate down like there is a chocolate thief on the loose that will take it if they don't consume it this fast!
I start to set the table, call the kids, carve the meat. There is always a spare seat at the table where you once sat. There are always reminders you are no longer here with us.
I am still not handling this all that well. I toppled over this week with our Wedding Anniversary, and have been staggering about ever since.
The kids were excited to see you today, I had done them an Easter egg hunt there, which kept them amused for a time. You cover them with kisses and hold them tight when we arrive. At one point pretending to eat them because you wanted their chocolate, making them and me laugh.
You are good at interacting for a short while, as long as it does not drag on, as you quickly become over tired and agitated and it goes very quickly down hill. This is why I keep the visits short, no longer than 1 and a 1/2 hours really, this seems to be optimum time. When I prompt you, your speech is clearer, although it seems to be that for the past few months your speech has not been at all clear. There are things, however you do say very clearly 'I love you'
And I suppose that is the most important phrase.
And I love you too, Alex.
Posted by Manic Mum at 21:16