Friday, 11 February 2011

I would be about as useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy *rse

There is a horrible wait this morning, as we await the news from the vet, as to how our little star Margo the chicken is doing, after having her entire neck and shoulder sewn back together, yep, bet that made you frown, pick a bit out of your tooth and put down whatever you were just eating. I wander out to the kitchen, the phone gripped in my hand like it were a cold beer (I wish), and have a mental debate with myself (I enjoy them), and wonder whether to put the hob on for the kids’ porridge, then flick the kettle on, more important that the kids are fed their porridge than mummy has her cup of first-thing-in-the-morning-onslaught-of-animals-and-children-alike-till-they-get-EXACTLY-what-they-want tea? In order of importance, it will go like that, nah, b*ll*cks to that, I am flicking the kettle on first…!!!

The phone does not ring, so fearing the worst, I make the call to the vets. It turns out that she has pulled through, Margo the wonder chicken! Her neck is mangled and full of stitches, and she is silver. Yep. It is an aluminium protective spray coating apparently. It looks great! Only that it keeps leaving me with silver stains whenever I pick her up. The horrible thing is though, that it’s rarely the injuries that kill them, it’s more the shock on their hearts. It’s too much stress and they suffer heart attacks. This is how it kills them. So we now have a  5 day wait, never knowing from one minute to the next if she is going to drop dead. Nasty business. Needless to say if a chicken had a heart attack, I would be about as useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy *rse, and that’s the truth. How do you perform cardiac procedures on a chicken? Apart from looking like a complete wally and probably having an eye pecked out in the process. Probably. Well I would, let’s face it!

Esmie has been coming into herself recently, lovely expression, but really what does one mean by it? It simply makes no sense. She’s becoming herself, that works. She is the most hard work I have ever experienced from a child going through toddlerdom, I shall give you an example: been somewhat ill of late, need blood tests. Mitzi and Esmie have to come with me, the big 2 are at school. We walk in, as I am at reception announcing my arrival, well I didn’t really ‘ announce’ it, I just told them who I was and why I was there, but still, I throw a quick ‘WhereTF are the kids’ look, turns out, they’ve found the water machine, and ALL it’s plastic cups, which are now being precariously filled and placed erratically on surfaces, the floor, a chair, AND they are still going for it. I rush in, and try and empty the filled cups down the tiny completely pointless weeniest drain, and it floods, I am left with no choice but to down all the rest of them, stack cups, and slosh around dribbling water and trying not to look as though I had just drunk anything, as the blood test was to be a ‘no eating no drinking’ one. The needle, well this is where Esmie decided to switch out the light. This was especially helpful as the nurse was in mid blood taking process. She flicks it fairly quickly back on again, but all the same, it was not one of those ‘look around, shhhh, look around, anyone see what my toddler just did? Noooo, good, got away with it then’ acts, it was a blatant plunging into darkness endangering mummy’s life kind of toddler act. We were going to have words. We make it back through to reception, all lights illuminated, and this is where Esmie the Hideous spies a decorative lemon tree, it’s real, not plastic, which only serves in making the following statement worse, she picks off one of the lemons, that have probably been growing for YEARS, and throws it on the floor. OMG. I have tried to stick it back in where she’d pulled it off from, apologizing, and backing out the door humiliated. And it was only 8.30 in the morning.

Now I have a night out tomorrow night, so I need to get an early one tonight, so I may at least be able to go without big bag lady eye bags (how quickly can you say that sentence?!) Amuse yourselves. See you soon!

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

It’s not even 7am yet for fookidoodlesake.

To be honest with you, I do not even know where to start. Tuesday was one of the worst days to date, of the years I have trodden my life…It started bad, and ended a lot worse, a very lot worse. Clearing up piles and piles of dog sh*t (we are looking after someone else’s dog for a few weeks whilst they are way, it is her sh*t I am seeing to, always feels much more unfair when it’s not even one of yours), I flicked the kettle on, a cup of tea was absolutely in order, it’s not even 7am yet for fookidoodlesake. I put the porridge on, gallon of milk, 2 kgs of oats…(nearly true story too), I realise the dog has also p*ss*d on her bed, and as I walk through to gather the kids into the kitchen to eat their breakfast, the sudden cold, drenched sodden feeling in my sock, and overwhelming stench of dog p*ss demonstrates it’s presence on the floor and her bed. Fanbloodydooledootantastic. I get the kids at the table, serve up, the pick up the bed, mop the floor (well come on, totally warranted here, although maybe mopping the whole bottom floor was a little OCD), and wander off into the garage to shove the bed in the washing machine. Mitzi has not eaten a thing. She doesn’t want it she says, so I do the '5 mouthfuls and mummy’s gonna be ready to bail or throw herself out of the window’ deal with her. I start hairdressing the unhairdressed pillow hair before me, 4 heads. It’s a lot to tackle in the morning. I set about hairdressing duties, and Mitzi vomits. Everywhere. Clearing it up, telling her it was fine not to follow through with her 5 mouthful engagement, I use her puked on fresh clean clothes (always) to mop up some of it. It’s pure porridge oats too, just to give you a bit of detail, and send my mother-in-law off vomiting into a corner, the fact of it’s contents serves only in making me feel too guilty. I busy around nursing the puker, getting everyone ready for the school run. We are ready, finally, and late (probably acceptable under the circumstances), and I head back to ours to finish clear up and greet friend who will be dropping me off her baby for the day at 9.30am. the change over went well, given that I had a puking child, a crying baby and an esmie (worth 3 toddlers, at least!). Then:
·      Between forgetting everything, to gradually going forwards, backwards, forwards backwards to the car, to it finally just being the car keys I could not find,
·      To nearly running over a roosting chicken (beneath the car), ONE HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES, to get out the house, to pulling over 5 times for designated child to puke,

  • To retrieving an egg, previously laid in the car by now under-car-roosting-chicken, chicken, I mean it’s not even roosting in the right place for fork’s sake, rolling around threatening to wedge itself and henceforth be squished beneath the brake,

·      To finally arriving at the ear specialist. 

I hit the waiting room looking like a dishevelled, frantic multiple bag lady, smelling of porridge-puke. Nice. Good look, I should try this one more often. After Mitzi pukes for the second time in the waiting room, and there are still 5 people in front of me, I bail. Rearranging rendezvous for Monday. I then have a doctor’s trip for Mitzi, as she has just been too poorly of late, bless her cotton socks, and get home at now 3 o’clock, switch the kettle on for a well-needed cuppa, and the kettle electric shocks me. Bastard. This is when I realise I am out of tea bags anyway and bundle all three girls back in the car to get only teabags (so annoying going to the shop for just one thing, a pet hate of mine), teabags got, kids collected, done, all in car, baby hended back over to friend in one piece (thank the lord above and the green grass that grows beneath the blue skies…).  We arrive home. And this is where my whole day changed from ‘pretty mental, but doable’ to a ‘WTF did I do in my previous life to warrant this’ kind of a day. Somehow the dog we are looking after has got out, she has chased a chicken, I call her over not knowing how long she’s been harassing my girls. As I get her in, I get Monty to check Margo (our favourite, she has laid us an egg everyday bar the first couple of weeks she arrived here), he bursts into tears and shouts me. Running over I see the dog has mauled her so badly, there is no skin left around her neck. The vets it is, 2nd time in 2 weeks. We find out tomorrow morning if she survived the op.

Despite all this, today, I was remarkably organised, changes of clothes, buckets, towels, baby wipes. I did however forget one thing, well two, a change of clothes for me, although I got used to the crunchy patches of dried up sick on my shoulder and trousers, and later the smell of chicken blood too. I also forgot Mitzi’s shoes, she went round in her slippers all day. I wouldn’t have minded too much, only last week at school I forgot Esmie’s, and as mums looked on and laughingly quip, oh, had a paddy about putting her shoes on did she?! And I look honestly, and say ‘well, no, actually, I am a shit mum and I forgot to put her shoes on to leave the house’ no one thinks I am joking either…! Anyway, I am off, Alex’s UFC fighting watching time is at an end..! and besides, a bath is in order tonight methinks…!

Monday, 7 February 2011

Bring on february 10th...!

I have a night out on the 10th of February, now I announce this, as I have not been out since the 4th September 2010. Before that, I had not been out since approximately the same date, only one year before, thus I feel an announcement is wholly necessary. You start to get the picture of how glamourous my life is, I so have ‘moved away from all family to a foreign country, 4 kids, no volunteering babysitters-who can blame them?-’ syndrome. But I am just too excited about my night out! I am going to the opening of Frederic Vade’s exhibition. Yes, little ol’ me. He is an artist that has recently moved from Paris (read previous blog, to find out in more depth). I have invited my best mate in France Rachel Bennet along for the whole ‘girl going to the toilet, has to go with another girl’ thing. And also, obviously not just the toilet friend thing, also as I say, she’s my best friend in france, and a bit of girly gossip from time to time away from the kid life, does us the worlds of good, even if you in reality only get round to doing it once a year. *crowd gets out violins, mops away a little tear*

In order to emphasise my total uncontrollable excitement, and rare outings, I have included my recent facebook email interchange with Rachel… 'Twent like this:

Select: All, Read, None

Between Rachel Bennett and You

Tamsyn Wood January 29 at 12:03pm 

hey rach, my new friend (!) fred vade, the artist who has moved here from paris a few months back, has an exhibition starting on the 10th feb, he has invited me and alex, but due to 4 kids, alex is kindly babbysitting...will u come with me??? i think it'll be pretty cool, opening night of an exhibition should be wicked....

r u here the 10th feb?? really hope u are, and it's something u'll be up for....

let me know *multiple air kisses french styley*....!

love tams xxx
Rachel Bennett January 30 at 10:13am Report

Hello lady,

sounds good to me! Think that might be the day the J and Nick go back to London for the trade show, so will have Marley and it an evening opening? If so that would be wicked as i can give Marls a good run and we can go out!! Yippee! I love this no Natacha (-she recently left her stupid job) life already xxx

Tamsyn Wood January 30 at 12:24pm 

yep it's an evening do...i am already too excited!

btw, in ur humble fashion opinion, not that i am that sad and geeky, never go out and am thus totally out of touch that i am already planning my outfit or anything, but are leather trousers 'out'?

thanks in advance for fashion tips lady

can't wait, i won't be able to sleep i am that excited!!

check out

loads o love, be in touch soon to organise....
 tams xxx

Rachel Bennett February 2 at 8:22am Report
Leather trousers are so 'in' right now! In fact i am obsessed, (ok perhaps thats a bit strong), with wearing my 'fake leather' leggings at the moment... Get those babies out of the wardrobe. And the great thing is as the french are generally so behind with fashion, you'll be setting a trend again here and the french will start to follow your style!
I am really looking forward to a night out too. God it has been so long! Yippeee! xxx
Tamsyn Wood February 2 at 7:31pm
i am literally reading this for the 3rd time and laughing out loud...! i am going to have to use this email exchange in a blog, when i write about how too excited i actually am!!

great news re the faux-leather slacks! i am defo getting those babies OUT!

bring on february 10th...!

tams xxx

so you see? Proper geek. But I really am excited. Must go, have some leather trousers to squeeze post-four-baby thunder thighs into!!! Have a truly fab Monday!