Friday, 11 February 2011

I would be about as useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy *rse

There is a horrible wait this morning, as we await the news from the vet, as to how our little star Margo the chicken is doing, after having her entire neck and shoulder sewn back together, yep, bet that made you frown, pick a bit out of your tooth and put down whatever you were just eating. I wander out to the kitchen, the phone gripped in my hand like it were a cold beer (I wish), and have a mental debate with myself (I enjoy them), and wonder whether to put the hob on for the kids’ porridge, then flick the kettle on, more important that the kids are fed their porridge than mummy has her cup of first-thing-in-the-morning-onslaught-of-animals-and-children-alike-till-they-get-EXACTLY-what-they-want tea? In order of importance, it will go like that, nah, b*ll*cks to that, I am flicking the kettle on first…!!!

The phone does not ring, so fearing the worst, I make the call to the vets. It turns out that she has pulled through, Margo the wonder chicken! Her neck is mangled and full of stitches, and she is silver. Yep. It is an aluminium protective spray coating apparently. It looks great! Only that it keeps leaving me with silver stains whenever I pick her up. The horrible thing is though, that it’s rarely the injuries that kill them, it’s more the shock on their hearts. It’s too much stress and they suffer heart attacks. This is how it kills them. So we now have a  5 day wait, never knowing from one minute to the next if she is going to drop dead. Nasty business. Needless to say if a chicken had a heart attack, I would be about as useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy *rse, and that’s the truth. How do you perform cardiac procedures on a chicken? Apart from looking like a complete wally and probably having an eye pecked out in the process. Probably. Well I would, let’s face it!

Esmie has been coming into herself recently, lovely expression, but really what does one mean by it? It simply makes no sense. She’s becoming herself, that works. She is the most hard work I have ever experienced from a child going through toddlerdom, I shall give you an example: been somewhat ill of late, need blood tests. Mitzi and Esmie have to come with me, the big 2 are at school. We walk in, as I am at reception announcing my arrival, well I didn’t really ‘ announce’ it, I just told them who I was and why I was there, but still, I throw a quick ‘WhereTF are the kids’ look, turns out, they’ve found the water machine, and ALL it’s plastic cups, which are now being precariously filled and placed erratically on surfaces, the floor, a chair, AND they are still going for it. I rush in, and try and empty the filled cups down the tiny completely pointless weeniest drain, and it floods, I am left with no choice but to down all the rest of them, stack cups, and slosh around dribbling water and trying not to look as though I had just drunk anything, as the blood test was to be a ‘no eating no drinking’ one. The needle, well this is where Esmie decided to switch out the light. This was especially helpful as the nurse was in mid blood taking process. She flicks it fairly quickly back on again, but all the same, it was not one of those ‘look around, shhhh, look around, anyone see what my toddler just did? Noooo, good, got away with it then’ acts, it was a blatant plunging into darkness endangering mummy’s life kind of toddler act. We were going to have words. We make it back through to reception, all lights illuminated, and this is where Esmie the Hideous spies a decorative lemon tree, it’s real, not plastic, which only serves in making the following statement worse, she picks off one of the lemons, that have probably been growing for YEARS, and throws it on the floor. OMG. I have tried to stick it back in where she’d pulled it off from, apologizing, and backing out the door humiliated. And it was only 8.30 in the morning.

Now I have a night out tomorrow night, so I need to get an early one tonight, so I may at least be able to go without big bag lady eye bags (how quickly can you say that sentence?!) Amuse yourselves. See you soon!

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