Saturday, 11 June 2011

Adult-abuse...Help me stop this....

Full on, walks are...look at what our daughter is doing to my husband...chewing his head and gaily squeezing his eyes.

Mothers, fathers, all over the world are going through this, mostly at walk time, but it still occurs too frequently. It has still not been abolished either, 'Shoulder rides' are what I am referring to. They sit up there, having the time of their lives, whilst we suffer. Victim to exploratory toddlers/small children poking us in the eyes, holding on to our ear holes, nostrils. Relentlessly pulled in all angles by grubby little fingers. And to top it all off, we are not even able to even see where we are going, they cover our eyes too. Why has nothing been done? I am starting an underground movement society, calling it thus: the RSPCAF: Royal Society of Protection of Cruelty to Adults' Orifices, Facial or otherwise. The squeezey happy kids need to learn.

Help me STOP these cruel shoulder rides, for good. Just say NO! To Shoulder rides...(It's for your own good).

Friday, 10 June 2011

'Woooaaa, check out her Bazungas'

‘Shitfix’...This is the code for the security settings test thingy I have just had to type put to share my blog. They are just plain insulting me these days, they have a personal vendetta, and these security things are getting worse. Anyway...

Mitzi, in her big mouth dribbling phase-happens to us all at one point.

I have just finally sat down after a Wednesday (no school in la France) whilst still feeling like crap. Oh no, s*** hang on a minute. Phew, I’m back, I thought I had left the bath running-to flood the kitchen and downstairs again would not be on my ‘prefered things to do today’ list. Like, at all. But  it’s fine,  I’m fine, and so is the bath. Mitzi has completely been taking the mickey tonight at bedtime. As she has been all snot and grizzles for the most part of the week, I make her have a lie down after luch with Esmie. And bejazus only knows how much I wanted to curl up on the sofa with the 2 remaning big 2 and watch a DVD. Raining still here, and ill still, which in my house equals DVD cuddles and lounging around and mammoth eggy bread and marmite (SO good btw) eating sessions, then finally, bedtime-and the cats are mewing for their food, the chickens are boccing for attention, they can boc off, and Mitzi is hyper coz she had a sleep in the day. Which, today, has left me begging the question, how do we get it right? To top it all off, I have THE most annoying fly buzzing round insisting on landing on every available part of my face and head, making me do a superb impression of someone let out into the community for the day with a nightmare violent head tick going on, slapping themselves in the face frequently…I have been up and down those stairs like a taxidermist to his sand shed, to Mitzi’s varying requests for the past 20 minutes, now it has reached the dizzy heights of being not funny now….

Too good, eggy bread mmmmmmm

Lola is singing Esmie to sleep upsatirs in French going for it with her strong Southern French twang. Brilliant! They’re all in bed, and I have finally sat down. It’s 8.30 pm 7.30 pm your time) and am still on overdrive as after I have finished this blog, I am to bake. Cakes, for tomorrow’s school fete. Which means that tomorrow morning, 6.30 am start, kids to school (coz it’s that easy, why doesn’t the school run, the intensity of the work sweat tears and bargies us mothers have in attempts to get them to school ON TIME! Why does this task alone not count as as worthy as someone who had just instigated World Peace? It’s equally as successful to us mums getting a child through the school gates almost on time every day). But it doesn’t, and anyway, about me, I then do the Bibliotech for 35 kids reading stories, changing books, I then take my friend via the shop to the Train station, drop her off, come back in time (I hope) to pick up all the kids from school for lunch. Lunch cooked, lunch done, back to school run, then I stay at school to make picnics and fry chips and learn how to do hair tresses, the string you tie round hair prettily, all afternoon, then to get kids from school, go home, pack a sleep over bag for Lola (she’s been invited to her first ever sleep over!! OMG, it starts…at 6-years-old?!) get the girls dressed in their costumes and wheely everyone back round to school for the school fete where I shall be like a mum at the Olympics, tears of pride in my eyes, pushing other mums out the way to take pictures, then run over to the hair dressing stand where I shall be hair-tressing kids all night *remembers to breathe*. If I manage all this I am allowing my self a guilt-free nervous breakdown when I get in at midnight. Fair enough right? 

My ducks are ready, and we are to get them this Sunday, I was too ill to go up the other day. We need names though-so a little help? Erhem? Please? I like Posh and Beaks, but the French won’t get it, like at all. So maybe a little more across the channel friendly, not ‘Frog’ or ‘Garlic Breath’ or anything, thanks.

'Woooaaa, check out her Bazungas' Monty says to Lola...!

Anyway, after wearing my top inside out again today, till our 15-year-old guest pointed it out to me this afternoon, and having dropped the kids off at school this morning like it, I think I realise now why the teacher was so compassionate this morning. It was Lola’s school trip today, I had volunteered to go, I had COMPLETELY forgotten, and they were there getting me ‘my group’ ready…I was stunned,  totally unprepared, Lola hadn’t even got a coat let alone a picnic this morning. I had to bail, I still felt like total s*** and had a Dr’s appointment I had to go to. They did manage to find a replacement, and they were ever so kind. Right, so I’m off to bake cakes now, for my sins, then cook dinner. I am so hungry I could eat a donkey. Oh God that reminds me, we’ve got the sheep arriving Saturday…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

*exits in a whirlwind*

Tamsyn x

Thursday, 9 June 2011

18th Birthday picture time...

So this is going to be pulled out on his 18th- 'look at me I'm a girl in a bra' he was telling me...HA! Caught ya!

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

A mother pussy...

I have been driving our 15-year-old boy staying with us, and quite frankly, driving round with him feeling like a lesbian. He makes me bib at all the young teenage girls going about on the mopeds with their g-strings hanging out of their trousers. You see? I’m driving around, beeping and ‘whitwooing’ these teenage girls. A mother of 4? A Mother hen to 5 chickens boc-boccing, a mother pussy to the 3 pussies mewing (what?), mother dog to my gay dog gay-woofing (whatever that sounds like?!), and soon to be mother duck to 2 super cute ducklings (later on today in fact, if all goes according to plan..) quack, quack quacking. All wrong. Plus the kids have all been in the back most times, so I guess they are somewhat confused… 


Monty is all chuffed yesterday morning, he runs into the bedroom declaring the fact he has managed his first ever lie in his whole legged life-8 am! Wow…there was not a peep until the 8 am onslaught. No matter what time my kids go to bed, they awake at stupid o’oclock.. he is so proud that he tells me he is going to tell his best mate Enzo tomorrow at school. The first time they have all ever laid in till 8, like, ever. I was too blessed, and feel the need to dedictae my rest to the fairy with magic dust that makes you sleep, she IS real after all! *claps hands to bring many fairies back to life*

So with a potential cock living in our midst (disclaimer, as always, you’re all well briefed now, this is a male chicken, not a male member…) I sorted out the garage today to corner off a part for the fowl and the qwuack qwuacks who arrive on Wednesday (again, TOOO excited! Romtiddlyiom pom pom pom pom, EI EIOOOOO, and on that…oooo that reminds me). Guess who I bump into after school, tonight, sprinting for what my life was worth through the rain and puddles in my well-selected-given-the-circumstances flip-flops? Jeannot, the bus driver, who puts out his arm to stop me in my tracks, and the 2 kids from where the girls go to school, did I mention it was raining and I was wearing flip-flops? Well, it was and I was. He is a bit cross eyed, bless, and I try really hard to look at the ‘right’ eye, it’s a confusing time for me at best, as everytime I look in one eye, he switches his eyes and looks at me with the other. Anyway, to cut a long one short, he looks at me and  informs me he is bringing me a sheep. And do you know what else I devised from his next comment? Listen, I reckon you’ll get it too-‘does your husband know how to cut it all properly?’ OMG he is bringing us a WHOLE DEAD sheep-and I think it’s gonna have the head on and everything…I just did an involuntary wriggle of rankest rank image of the day, and I typed ‘djsfha’ then deleted it, but then read it and quite liked it, so I have kept in in, and thus invented a new word for the Oxford English Dictionary- ‘disfha’ shall mean rankest rant thing ever.

OK, I’m about done inventing, although I am still working on growing extra arms out of most visible body parts, and 3 more heads and eyes at the back of each of them, so I’ll let you know how I get on with that.

I spent yesterday ill and chuffing miserable. I am THE worst person at being ill. It is such a deterent, prevents you from mopping floors (well, nearly) and everything else you need to do in a day. I hate it, frankly. And to add insult to injury today, when I put Esmie down for a nap (I’d been holding out for all day, my legs were threatening to cave) I planned to get my head down for a bit. Which I did, the 2 seconds were glorious, then Alex comes up, sets a cup of tea down beside me (at my ill, dying whisper voice request for ‘tea’) he accidentally steps on the edge of the border bit around the bed, it catapult’s my cup of tea all over me, and then the side bit of the bed landed crack on my head. I have a big egg, and it still bloody hurts, and I feel angry at the world today-especially for laughing at me and having Alex do that. One is told that we are ‘kicked’ when we are down, not scalding tea flung all over them, then the side of the bed coming crashing down to knock you silly. But there you go, that’s life!

where's that little box-dude serving me up the drugs???

Well, it is chez us anyway…See you tomorrow!

Tamsyn x

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

quick bubble baby

Well it was either a pic of me in there, or Esmie, so I thought I'd spare you all, and here she is-I have a bloody sore-ass throat (those ninja hamsters scratching around in there for nuts again in the night), tummy ache and temperature, so I had a bubble bath with Esmie this morning in an attempt to help myself.

Self-help attempts failed miserably, and I am now going to go and lie down whilst Esmie has a nap before I pick the kids up from school. My God I must be proper wicked...(moan moan)...

Here she is anyway!!

Monday, 6 June 2011

‘Oh for f*ck’s sake, women drivers…'

I have just finished pulling the fluff of my toothbrush. I am still not convinced I should use it, I am completely unaware of where this fluff came from-probable guesses veer towards a child using it for a broom in the Barbie house. Still, as long as they didn’t use it to brush the chickens, what the hell…let the toothbrushing commence.

Last week my friend had a birthday, as entertainment for the kids, and so we didn’t go up empty handed, we paint little plant pots, then fill them with mud and plant seeds, basil and parsely and Monty was incharge of the flags (little ones for the pots, not giant great banners we planned to be waving along with blowing whistles and party hooters) and I made a cake. I genuinely felt as though I was on some kind of Blue Peter production line, it was heavy weight, children's arts and crafts usually leave me ruined, covered in inexplicable sticky masses, weird mixed up paint colours, how they manage to make up these gross colours, I have no idea. True though isn't it? there is always a weird browny/reddy/greeny paint mix up they end up with, and all I am saying is that it is not pretty. I finally perfected my cake (well, as perfected as my first-time using roll-out icing would permit, which my mum-in-law posted to me as they do not sell it in la France) and showed the kids, and Esmie runs up and pokes it in her enthusiasm. FOR FOOOOKIDOODLEDANDY’S SAKE! Should have seen it coming, idiot woman. I had to patch it up a bit, but it was alright for a first attempt. Here it was….

Alex stayed back and worked, and I took all my 5 kids (well, my 4, and a teenage tagger alonger, a very hungry 15-year-old) up and gave my adopted son for 2 weeks strict instructions to not squish the cake. I have set the GPS on my phone (fancy! And practical, AND I actually have one! A mobile phone-cor, that changes your life doesn’t it?), as I am useless out on the road. I drive around like someone’s waving a wet lettuce in my face-pretty freaked out, confused and er wet? Like a fool in any case, and I have no idea where I am most of the time, and have no chance of winging it either-hopeless. Terrifying as well when you are normally responsible for 4 kids and a dog in the back, I could get lost in my own street and be driving round for weeks. Do you know, every time I go out I make sure I have snacks and lots of changes of clothes, water and a blanket, you know, just in case we do actually spend days away from home in the very same street. Anyway, the GPS I could not even follow. OMG she was so confusing. I’m driving 40 minutes away, having been there plenty of times before, I did not anticipate too many problems. The GPS lady starts off gently coaxing me to ‘turn now’, instructing me smoothly and calmly of which direction to take. I kept having to ‘shush’ everyone up to hear her, and often missed the instructions, she clearly starts getting frustrated with me, and starts going ‘make a Uturn' (I made soooo many Uturns, it was just not true), 'you have gone off course, at the next available exit, coming up on your left…Now! You stupid b*tch’, I swear I heard her say this and then goes on, ‘oh for f*ck’s sake, women drivers…at the next roundabout take the 18th exit from whence forth you came’…ER what? Hello? Did I just drive into Narnia? Has my GPS been set to a Middle Earth version? Frankly it was impossible. To top it all off, the 15-year-old staying with us fell asleep, despite my threats to bray him if he did, and he squished an important decorative rose on the cake…And we did arrive safely, an hour late, hardly surprising, as I took the Postman Pat route all through the valley, wheelying through the back streets on the way to school, well, I've never deliberately wheelied, I just really wanted to use that word.
Still, it could have been worse, at least he didn’t dribble all over it, so I’m not complaining too much.  It was a brilliant weekend, beach Saturday (after hours of preparation…) and Alex fixed up the giant paddling pool from my sister-in-law (thanks Jo!!) and the kids did like dolphins all afternoon and I sat, folded 5 loads of washing and watched them as today was cloudy, and NO way Hosea was getting in that freezing pool of children and floaty things…maybe next time.

Right, that’ll do, must get to bed, it’s late and as I am to be up, on school getting the troops ready for duties bright and early, I am bailing. Night all!

Tamsyn x

Sunday, 5 June 2011

Introducing my 'Thought for the Day'...week 1

Well to be fair, I will not be quoting myself every Sunday, the world is not ready for that yet, but I have decided that on a Sunday I am going to put up a 'Thought for the Day'...for y'all to think about. 

When I was little my Grandparents lived in Oxford. I love Oxford, it has fond childhood memories, I get that safe, warm fuzzy feeling when I am there (looong time ago I was last there, however). Anyway, the story I'm trying to tell you is that my Grandpa used to do 'Thought for the Day' on the Oxford radio, and we'd listen in when we knew he'd be on, and I'd feel all proud that my Grandpa was on the radio! There we go, so I thought in a similar fashion, I'd try on a Sunday to put up a quote that I have stumbled across in the week and put it up here for all to reflect upon-there will be a test, so pay much attention...Actually there so won't be, but just to keep you on your toes...

So without further ado here's my first. It is the Dalai Lama who is going to kick it off:

'We should value our enemies because they provide us with unique opportunities to practice patience, tolerance and forbearance.'