Wednesday, 8 June 2011

A mother pussy...


I have been driving our 15-year-old boy staying with us, and quite frankly, driving round with him feeling like a lesbian. He makes me bib at all the young teenage girls going about on the mopeds with their g-strings hanging out of their trousers. You see? I’m driving around, beeping and ‘whitwooing’ these teenage girls. A mother of 4? A Mother hen to 5 chickens boc-boccing, a mother pussy to the 3 pussies mewing (what?), mother dog to my gay dog gay-woofing (whatever that sounds like?!), and soon to be mother duck to 2 super cute ducklings (later on today in fact, if all goes according to plan..) quack, quack quacking. All wrong. Plus the kids have all been in the back most times, so I guess they are somewhat confused… 

whitwoo???

Monty is all chuffed yesterday morning, he runs into the bedroom declaring the fact he has managed his first ever lie in his whole legged life-8 am! Wow…there was not a peep until the 8 am onslaught. No matter what time my kids go to bed, they awake at stupid o’oclock.. he is so proud that he tells me he is going to tell his best mate Enzo tomorrow at school. The first time they have all ever laid in till 8, like, ever. I was too blessed, and feel the need to dedictae my rest to the fairy with magic dust that makes you sleep, she IS real after all! *claps hands to bring many fairies back to life*


So with a potential cock living in our midst (disclaimer, as always, you’re all well briefed now, this is a male chicken, not a male member…) I sorted out the garage today to corner off a part for the fowl and the qwuack qwuacks who arrive on Wednesday (again, TOOO excited! Romtiddlyiom pom pom pom pom, EI EIOOOOO, and on that…oooo that reminds me). Guess who I bump into after school, tonight, sprinting for what my life was worth through the rain and puddles in my well-selected-given-the-circumstances flip-flops? Jeannot, the bus driver, who puts out his arm to stop me in my tracks, and the 2 kids from where the girls go to school, did I mention it was raining and I was wearing flip-flops? Well, it was and I was. He is a bit cross eyed, bless, and I try really hard to look at the ‘right’ eye, it’s a confusing time for me at best, as everytime I look in one eye, he switches his eyes and looks at me with the other. Anyway, to cut a long one short, he looks at me and  informs me he is bringing me a sheep. And do you know what else I devised from his next comment? Listen, I reckon you’ll get it too-‘does your husband know how to cut it all properly?’ OMG he is bringing us a WHOLE DEAD sheep-and I think it’s gonna have the head on and everything…I just did an involuntary wriggle of rankest rank image of the day, and I typed ‘djsfha’ then deleted it, but then read it and quite liked it, so I have kept in in, and thus invented a new word for the Oxford English Dictionary- ‘disfha’ shall mean rankest rant thing ever.

OK, I’m about done inventing, although I am still working on growing extra arms out of most visible body parts, and 3 more heads and eyes at the back of each of them, so I’ll let you know how I get on with that.

I spent yesterday ill and chuffing miserable. I am THE worst person at being ill. It is such a deterent, prevents you from mopping floors (well, nearly) and everything else you need to do in a day. I hate it, frankly. And to add insult to injury today, when I put Esmie down for a nap (I’d been holding out for all day, my legs were threatening to cave) I planned to get my head down for a bit. Which I did, the 2 seconds were glorious, then Alex comes up, sets a cup of tea down beside me (at my ill, dying whisper voice request for ‘tea’) he accidentally steps on the edge of the border bit around the bed, it catapult’s my cup of tea all over me, and then the side bit of the bed landed crack on my head. I have a big egg, and it still bloody hurts, and I feel angry at the world today-especially for laughing at me and having Alex do that. One is told that we are ‘kicked’ when we are down, not scalding tea flung all over them, then the side of the bed coming crashing down to knock you silly. But there you go, that’s life!

where's that little box-dude serving me up the drugs???

Well, it is chez us anyway…See you tomorrow!

Tamsyn x

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