Monday, 6 June 2011

‘Oh for f*ck’s sake, women drivers…'

I have just finished pulling the fluff of my toothbrush. I am still not convinced I should use it, I am completely unaware of where this fluff came from-probable guesses veer towards a child using it for a broom in the Barbie house. Still, as long as they didn’t use it to brush the chickens, what the hell…let the toothbrushing commence.

Last week my friend had a birthday, as entertainment for the kids, and so we didn’t go up empty handed, we paint little plant pots, then fill them with mud and plant seeds, basil and parsely and Monty was incharge of the flags (little ones for the pots, not giant great banners we planned to be waving along with blowing whistles and party hooters) and I made a cake. I genuinely felt as though I was on some kind of Blue Peter production line, it was heavy weight, children's arts and crafts usually leave me ruined, covered in inexplicable sticky masses, weird mixed up paint colours, how they manage to make up these gross colours, I have no idea. True though isn't it? there is always a weird browny/reddy/greeny paint mix up they end up with, and all I am saying is that it is not pretty. I finally perfected my cake (well, as perfected as my first-time using roll-out icing would permit, which my mum-in-law posted to me as they do not sell it in la France) and showed the kids, and Esmie runs up and pokes it in her enthusiasm. FOR FOOOOKIDOODLEDANDY’S SAKE! Should have seen it coming, idiot woman. I had to patch it up a bit, but it was alright for a first attempt. Here it was….

Alex stayed back and worked, and I took all my 5 kids (well, my 4, and a teenage tagger alonger, a very hungry 15-year-old) up and gave my adopted son for 2 weeks strict instructions to not squish the cake. I have set the GPS on my phone (fancy! And practical, AND I actually have one! A mobile phone-cor, that changes your life doesn’t it?), as I am useless out on the road. I drive around like someone’s waving a wet lettuce in my face-pretty freaked out, confused and er wet? Like a fool in any case, and I have no idea where I am most of the time, and have no chance of winging it either-hopeless. Terrifying as well when you are normally responsible for 4 kids and a dog in the back, I could get lost in my own street and be driving round for weeks. Do you know, every time I go out I make sure I have snacks and lots of changes of clothes, water and a blanket, you know, just in case we do actually spend days away from home in the very same street. Anyway, the GPS I could not even follow. OMG she was so confusing. I’m driving 40 minutes away, having been there plenty of times before, I did not anticipate too many problems. The GPS lady starts off gently coaxing me to ‘turn now’, instructing me smoothly and calmly of which direction to take. I kept having to ‘shush’ everyone up to hear her, and often missed the instructions, she clearly starts getting frustrated with me, and starts going ‘make a Uturn' (I made soooo many Uturns, it was just not true), 'you have gone off course, at the next available exit, coming up on your left…Now! You stupid b*tch’, I swear I heard her say this and then goes on, ‘oh for f*ck’s sake, women drivers…at the next roundabout take the 18th exit from whence forth you came’…ER what? Hello? Did I just drive into Narnia? Has my GPS been set to a Middle Earth version? Frankly it was impossible. To top it all off, the 15-year-old staying with us fell asleep, despite my threats to bray him if he did, and he squished an important decorative rose on the cake…And we did arrive safely, an hour late, hardly surprising, as I took the Postman Pat route all through the valley, wheelying through the back streets on the way to school, well, I've never deliberately wheelied, I just really wanted to use that word.
Still, it could have been worse, at least he didn’t dribble all over it, so I’m not complaining too much.  It was a brilliant weekend, beach Saturday (after hours of preparation…) and Alex fixed up the giant paddling pool from my sister-in-law (thanks Jo!!) and the kids did like dolphins all afternoon and I sat, folded 5 loads of washing and watched them as today was cloudy, and NO way Hosea was getting in that freezing pool of children and floaty things…maybe next time.

Right, that’ll do, must get to bed, it’s late and as I am to be up, on school getting the troops ready for duties bright and early, I am bailing. Night all!

Tamsyn x

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