Saturday, 5 January 2013

Thought for the day #5 #kerryinourhearts

Each day is a chance to start again, find as many reasons to be grateful for a life full of blessings if we would only open our eyes to what we have and not what we expect or want...

'Multiple mummy' Kerry, you will be sorely missed. 'lucky in life' is how you described yourself, you got it, the gratitude thing... At just 30 you left this world, a husband and 3 young kids. You changed my life. You didn't make the battle with the brain aneurysm, your husband won't have that chance to hope and help you on... I do. I have that, and hearing you had gone, lost the fight 5 months down the line with it, I have never hugged Alex so hard, felt so lucky to have all that I do.

I am so, so sad for your family.

You will always be remembered kerry, and the thing you have given me, is realising just how lucky I am, changed my 'where's he gone? I haven't got him anymore' into 'Thank you God that I have this much of him... The rest, I hope, to follow'.


Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Dear Alex, Child Therapy...

1st January 2013

Dear Alex,

Another year writing letters? Another year discovering, another year of change, diligence, pure indefinable love, deeper love than ever felt before, of lows cavernous in depth, as what has passed us by flashes into my mind…

Still a great deal feels like I will one day need to ‘face it’ but for now I do what I do, face the every day of visiting you, looking after the kids, looking for a solution to the house we need for us all to live together.

I stumbled across this the other day, a person who suffered a brain injury a while ago had written this on their blog:

“So if you're a partner of a brain injured person - please love us as we are now, be patient. I know we can drive you round the bend, up the wall and then back again. We are still here, inside this body, this head and soul and we love you xxxxx”

And how I wept…

The words I am longing for you to say ‘it’s still me, I just get lost at times’…

But I think I can see that now, at times, glimpses that you ‘get it’. A carer at the Home said you call out sometimes for the kids  ‘my kids, I need my kids’ and they try to console you…

Things you say sometimes take me back, as since your overnight stay, and having had the kids around you everyday for hours since the beginning of the holidays, you seem more orientated, you reach out for the kids. You call them, you play with them! Pretending to eat Lola the other day, she was in hysterics, you were leaning forwards in your chair and saying ‘I’ll get you!’ I have never seen you play this interactively before. And Lola, she just adores you!

Your speech hasn’t improved, your physical abilities, but when the kids are there, you don’t lean back, passively head drooping in the chair, you are animated and reach out and lean forward and want to get up! It’s amazing.

This holiday has been such a blessing.

Today when I come in, kids abounding, you greet us with eyebrows raised, tears in your eyes and you say ‘you’ve brought them in again? Wow, I am so lucky!’ you are obviously realising they are coming in frequently.

Babes, I don’t know where this path leads, but watching you grow, things fall into place, watching the kids love you, watching you love the kids is such a privilege.

And I know you ask me everyday if you can sleep at home, if I can stay with you. And I keep telling you this set up is temporary…it makes it no easier for you or for me, you don’t understand and I cant do anything more then I am doing about getting a house. I just hope that in saying it, it will come true…

I love you Alex,

Me xxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 31 December 2012

Dear Alex, Goodbye to 2012!

31st December 2012

Dear Alex,

What a year 2012 has been...

It began with you starting to wake from
The coma you'd been in since the beginning of October 2011. It's ended with you sleeping for the first time in our home!

It's been a year of hopes and tremendous despairs.

I still have no idea how I can smile whilst harbouring loss and grief and heartache at the same time...

A year of learning, myriad lessons! Of striving, completing, opening and being defeated...

Of learning to let others in, accepting the offers of help with humility and gratitude.

Of reaching limits, but having to continue and break through them nonetheless!

A year of triumphs, you got up and walked, heavily aided, but that was never meant to be!

A year of set backs, still in the nursing home, still no home for me, you and the kids to be a family together.

A year where I've had my faith tested, I've reached out to the Most High, He's been there, heard my cries, even though sometimes it's taken a while for me to look back and see.

I've learned to fight, and that I am a fighter...and I'll continue!

I've learned to be still in the chaos and love and love more and despite and wherever and however, just love and love all the more...

...That I have to be the strong one, no matter how weak or lonely at times I feel...

That friends, family, strangers from near far, that kindness is a strength, it gives strength and you have all kept me afloat...

And gratitude. For every tiny little thing. In everything, be grateful. In all I do, in all I have and all I am striving for. Be grateful.

I'm carrying this through for my New Year's resolution, see how far I can go with gratitude! See where it takes me...

The bliss in simplicity is what I think I have truly found, and how powerful love is...

May 2013 be an extraordinary year for everyone, health and happiness and peace to you all!

Tamsyn x

Sunday, 30 December 2012

Dear Alex, Beautiful love

Beautiful Love

Just hours it took for our whole world to change,
You weren't going to make it
Weeks till doubt lifted.

Strangled and frightened
I race down the beach
Pleading with God to save you,
keep you in my reach.

Wedding ring I give you day-in-day-out to hold,
Broken and lonely not knowing what would unfold.

Ten years we lived, we laughed, we cried, we built
Children blessed and devoted love
Our life's patch work quilt.

Just hours it took to rip you away, that life,
Love as I knew it,
And forged a diligence to our wedding vows.


And my beautiful love, our beautiful love
I watch it grow more in every way
The bud that is you inside
Nurturing it everyday.

Oh how I have loved you,
Loved you coma deep,
Unable to move,
Unable to speak.
I have loved you through anger and pain,
Loved you through loss and a soul strained
Loved you through searching for how to continue,
Loved you through hating what it had all become
Loved you through daily battles, fears, anxieties and 'I really can't go on'

And I will love you for eternity,
Until our battle's won.