1st January 2013
Another year writing letters? Another year discovering, another year of change, diligence, pure indefinable love, deeper love than ever felt before, of lows cavernous in depth, as what has passed us by flashes into my mind…
Still a great deal feels like I will one day need to ‘face it’ but for now I do what I do, face the every day of visiting you, looking after the kids, looking for a solution to the house we need for us all to live together.
I stumbled across this the other day, a person who suffered a brain injury a while ago had written this on their blog:
“So if you're a partner of a brain injured person - please love us as we are now, be patient. I know we can drive you round the bend, up the wall and then back again. We are still here, inside this body, this head and soul and we love you xxxxx”
And how I wept…
The words I am longing for you to say ‘it’s still me, I just get lost at times’…
But I think I can see that now, at times, glimpses that you ‘get it’. A carer at the Home said you call out sometimes for the kids ‘my kids, I need my kids’ and they try to console you…
Things you say sometimes take me back, as since your overnight stay, and having had the kids around you everyday for hours since the beginning of the holidays, you seem more orientated, you reach out for the kids. You call them, you play with them! Pretending to eat Lola the other day, she was in hysterics, you were leaning forwards in your chair and saying ‘I’ll get you!’ I have never seen you play this interactively before. And Lola, she just adores you!
Your speech hasn’t improved, your physical abilities, but when the kids are there, you don’t lean back, passively head drooping in the chair, you are animated and reach out and lean forward and want to get up! It’s amazing.
This holiday has been such a blessing.
Today when I come in, kids abounding, you greet us with eyebrows raised, tears in your eyes and you say ‘you’ve brought them in again? Wow, I am so lucky!’ you are obviously realising they are coming in frequently.
Babes, I don’t know where this path leads, but watching you grow, things fall into place, watching the kids love you, watching you love the kids is such a privilege.
And I know you ask me everyday if you can sleep at home, if I can stay with you. And I keep telling you this set up is temporary…it makes it no easier for you or for me, you don’t understand and I cant do anything more then I am doing about getting a house. I just hope that in saying it, it will come true…
I love you Alex,