Thursday, 16 May 2013

Dear Alex, Mantra in my head.

15th May 2013


Dear Alex,

Morning so calm, morning before the school run, I spend it smiling, kids who sit and draw together, helping each other, no squabbles, no cross words/food fights! Porridge rounds and weetabix for the porridge-hating kids, porridge and weetabix for the four-year-old determined to always be different and stamp her mark.

It was calm and it was peace and it was a heavenly gift to have a morning perfect in every way. Well, in every way under the circumstances, no you will always sting.

You have been more troubled of late. Not at home, at home you are invariably trouble free, you are safe and cocooned and your time at home remains healing and precious. But in the Care Home they report how unsettled you are, not sleeping but crying, calling my name throughout the night...

...Each time I go in you cry and hold me and say over 'you're here, you're here'

You have never asked so frequently and fervently when you are coming home, when you can be with us and how long is it till...?

I can but reassure, tell you it's within our gaze now, not such an unknown quantity, a very real, very nearly, within reach. We have done the worst!

When I'm at the care home with you I include you in anyway small way, i want you to know you still count, that i expect you to have opinions and need and want you to express them. I ask for advice, include you in decisions, we chat about the kids, maybe about an incident where I have had to discipline one of them, and what would you have done? These scenarios you might 'get' but it's hard for you still to take in information, understand it then form a decision and then articulate it.

I keep telling myself we will get there...A mantra in my head.





Me xxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Dear Alex, BREAD!



Alex making bread- He comes to life doing activities of any kind, especially when mess and kids and tactile things or music are involved, and Alex loves making bread- something he is getting better at.

I can see how much he has improved by the control and concentration, the lengths of time have extended

And it was delicious!

What I love is that the kids got to eat something he had done for them...Precious moments is what it is all about.

x

Sunday, 12 May 2013

Dear Alex, Arms outstretched.

12th May 2013



Dear Alex,


A tear escapes, trailing down your neck, it's 6.40 am and I am by your side, there to comfort you as you awake from maybe a dream, I'm unsure and you cannot tell me. You just cry and don't stop, so I cuddle and cradle your head in my arms, nearly and hour passes...

Not asleep before 2am, kids up so many times that I figure I didn't sleep at all.

All our kids downstairs, I gave up at 6.30 am and with you waking in tears, there I am, awake, getting breakfast for our four and trying to comfort you.

I lie next to you, the kids fine, this seems to be the only thing that soothes.


Unusually emotional today, several things occur, there's an email from someone I do not know which breaks my heart for their situation and propels me into instant and soul-felt gratitude for my blessings... The kids are demanding, I love that they are there to do this. The house needs cleaning a million times over, the knees I have had to patch up and plaster, the cheeks I have had to cup and kiss, the stories I have had to read, the colouring, the walks, the knocked over drinks, the 'I don't like this mum's, for it all I am grateful.

At one point you look panicked and reach out almost gasping, 'what was that honey? Are you ok?'

'Somebody turn the lights on please' you say in a panicked tone.

I, not very successfully, bite back the tears, just a couple roll, trickling out pain and a world I don't understand.

'All done'

Although nothing has changed, and you nod your head 'ok' and you settle back in your wheelchair.


This is something I pray for night and day, 'if anything, if only one thing, God please give him back his sight...'

And I will keep on praying that very same prayer, even if I pray it in my last breath on earth.


My eyes ache almost as much as my heart tonight.

Although tomorrow is a new day, one I get to wake up to and one I get to grasp with both arms outstretched and four kids' smiles to embrace.

How blessed am I?


Me xxxxxxxxxx