15th May 2013
Morning so calm, morning before the school run, I spend it smiling, kids who sit and draw together, helping each other, no squabbles, no cross words/food fights! Porridge rounds and weetabix for the porridge-hating kids, porridge and weetabix for the four-year-old determined to always be different and stamp her mark.
It was calm and it was peace and it was a heavenly gift to have a morning perfect in every way. Well, in every way under the circumstances, no you will always sting.
You have been more troubled of late. Not at home, at home you are invariably trouble free, you are safe and cocooned and your time at home remains healing and precious. But in the Care Home they report how unsettled you are, not sleeping but crying, calling my name throughout the night...
...Each time I go in you cry and hold me and say over 'you're here, you're here'
You have never asked so frequently and fervently when you are coming home, when you can be with us and how long is it till...?
I can but reassure, tell you it's within our gaze now, not such an unknown quantity, a very real, very nearly, within reach. We have done the worst!
When I'm at the care home with you I include you in anyway small way, i want you to know you still count, that i expect you to have opinions and need and want you to express them. I ask for advice, include you in decisions, we chat about the kids, maybe about an incident where I have had to discipline one of them, and what would you have done? These scenarios you might 'get' but it's hard for you still to take in information, understand it then form a decision and then articulate it.
I keep telling myself we will get there...A mantra in my head.