Saturday, 19 January 2013

Friday, 18 January 2013

Dear Alex, The most amazing news!

Chill and thrills, snow angels, crunch of fresh laid snow. Breath and red cheeked fresh faced 'wow, mum, LOOK!' as snow is flung air bound, flakes fly... And this, these, very moments are the moments I live for. Innocence of child's glee, delight, at snow! Magical, breathing smiles into each passer by braving the cold, as I pull them two at a time on the one sledge we have through the snow.

I spent 40 minutes making the 5 minutes of the usual journey, I skid, nearly into someone, and I know, a weight thuds, I can't make it in to see you. I plummet. How can I not see you? Get my daily fix of you?

So I ring, 'Alex, it's your wife on the phone'...

'Oh, hello wife!'

And I laugh out loud! It was clear what you said! We speak, although I don't get most of what you say, our conversation lasts a good 15 minutes! And I finish the phone call happy, smiling! You are ok, apparently in amazing spirits! No need to worry.. And so do you know what baby? I honestly spend so much time missing you, feeling I am not getting it right or should be doing more or could be doing something different, that you being ok frees me.

School shuts at 12, I pick them up and skid home with them, thinking you are ok today, it's a gift! A guilt free day! To play and be with the kids! No two hour commute.

I love I live I enjoy I revel even, in the moment and what an amazing day!

I am refreshed, I am pleased I got to hang out with the kids unexpectedly on a school day like this. It was like a mini snow break today! A holiday! And I have felt like I could do with a bit of one of those recently!

I hope the snow stops now though... I need to be able to get in to see you...

Oh, and each time I phoned you today I got to tell you ( as you have no memory now) that I have had One of THE biggest victories this week... You get to come home every weekend!!! ALL weekend!!

Now that is something positive to end the week on!

Love you babe,

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Dear Alex, Crying over spilt milk...

Our Mitzi-moo

January 14th 2013

Dear Alex,

Crying over spilt milk is silly, but sometimes it is that last straw. That final thing. The tiny thing that explodes BANG! Before your sore, tired eyes. Monty was being really helpful, bless him,  but decided throwing 4 pints of milk into the hallway would be a good idea…it explodes, over carpet, wall, boots, door, dog. Drenched, everything, saturated in milk. There’s muddy shoes chucked at the bottom of the stairs and coats under them. Four children, tired from only just getting in at 7.30 after a long day and after school clubs, grizzling, wanting whatever they are asking for-four different voices all chorusing at once.

So many things to address and no time. Documents to find, where did I put them?? And no time, and no time, and no time...

Because I have to be with you. driving to and from you arms aching from lifting and pushing you all day yesterday. You were in tears most of the day,  asking for Lola today a lot, not remembering 10 minutes apart my previous answer ‘she’s at school honey’. 

A letter, well, several; bills, they’ve messed up the Council tax charges, AGAIN! And a form to fill out, for a house, an hour away, an hour further from you whilst they adapt it. Meaning I’d be 2 hours commute from you! The kids would have to start everything again, will they have the strength to do that again?? New friends, the heartache of missing their old ones. I have strived to stabilise their environment. I am involved now in their lives at school (I go in a few times a week to help out in between visiting you) so they know I am around, involved in their lives, present and around for them.

And that’s just it, I have to be so strong for all of you, when my knees are buckling under the weight today.

So do I sign, fill out that form? The kids blaming me, they will, kids do! For uprooting them again…

And can you help me with the decision? No.

Will you ever help in that ‘you and me against the world, baby’ again? Probably not…

And the dog food falls out of the cupboard on the floor, a cupboard door falls off. I burn the tea.

I’ve lost the keys. I don’t mind, but what I am broken hearted over is the fact that on it, there was a key-ring you gave me, you found a stone with a hole in it, shaped like a love heart on the beach, you put it on a key-ring for me…

The hard-drive has ten years worth of videos and photos on it, it’s dead. Ten years, the first ten years of our lives, gone.

The T-shirt I kept, it was from the night before you never came back to me, it smelled of you, I have slept with it every night since, smelling your smell. I found it clean in the tumble drier- it’d got caught up in the bed sheets…

I feel every trace of you is being taken away, and I’m not ready for that, and I am panicking as tangible memories are snatched, and I try to deal with the so many things going on at the moment.

That’s why, that’s why I cried over the spilt milk.

And so did Monty, so now I feel just bloody rotten! A rubbish mother who flipped when I shouldn’t have done.

Well, tomorrow is a new day and all that.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 15 January 2013

Dear Alex, What you give me...

January 15th 2013

Dear Alex,

What you give me.

I recount my day to you, as you lie on the sofa, beaming-so much so it lights up your face, mine, it’s contagious. You reach for me, ‘come here’ you say. You draw me in, kiss my head repeatedly, ‘I love you, I love you, I love you…’ I lie with you, cuddled up and content.

What you give me is hope. You give me pure, unadulterated love. Not love that relies on exchange, but love that knows no bounds. A love that nearly was lost. A love that will never know any ends.

You give me a heart that pulsates with pride. A love that wants to run down streets screaming ‘thank you God that he’s alive!!’

You give me love, the true meaning of love

I built a Teepee in Esmie’s classroom in school today, Esmie was my helper! I rush home to get back in time for you on your home visit. It was an incredible day.

Monty is distant. He usually always is around you, but I just don’t want to force.

You leave at 6pm to return to the Care Home. It’s then that it all caves in! Monty runs at me, flings his arms around me, nearly throwing me to thefloor.

I’ve been having trouble with him in the mornings. He wakes at 5.00 am.Awake, downstairs, watching T.V…until noise rouses me and I tell him in no uncertain terms to get back into bed! Tonight, he explains things to me, like he never has before.

‘Mum, I can’t bear Dad not being at home any more. I was 7 when he left. I worry about him all the time, that he’s on his own. I just worry and it makes me feel sick in my tummy when I wake and I can’t get back to sleep again, why can't he be at home?..’

He carries on and l let his frustration, sadness, worry cascade, careful not to interrupt. And he is my little boy who needs his mummy all over again. I told him how well looked after you are, how you worry about Monty too! How very soon we would all be together. I just try to comfort. Tell him I am here to listen to him and to protect him, mummy’s job!

I think it did him the world of good. He was calm when he went to bed.H e has been getting up a few times a night with nightmares and ends up in my bed, even on the end if one of the other’s is in it already.

Well, I ache now honey! Pushing you around, boy you have put on weight!

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 13 January 2013

Dear Alex, Two lives.

January 12th 2013

Dear Alex,

Before a husband who loved me, supported me, parented with me, made decisions, drove me up the wall!! A husband who, never did a day go by without him declaring his love for me, how amazing he thought I was and cheeky bum grabs every time I was in grabby bum reach!!

Before, I had a husband who was kind, selfless, gentle, compassionate, dynamic and charismatic!

Before I had a 'normal' life.

No, I would never, not in a million years have chosen this, never have agreed. Never have thought I'd survive, let alone find smiles in the situation.

And yes, sometimes I get so terribly low. Defeated and lonely. Craving the you that once was, the life we once lived. But logic tells me that if I didn't grieve all that, then it would mean it had not been worth the grief...It's for that very fact that I do!

But I have been determined, dog minded, belligerent! That I would make the most of this. Show our kids how you deal with what life throws at you. Still, despite, be a good mummy and good wife (?!).

In taking this decision, I began my gratitude journal. Still I have this as my internal mantra, 5 things I find before I get out of bed in the morning to be grateful for. I find I automatically smile now as I think of my things I am grateful for, actually smile first thing in the morning! I'm not sure I have ever done that! And that's because I give thanks and praise to the Most High for my kids, that I get more time on this earth to be the best I can be for them!And to watch them grow-wow! Little souls we made!

I would have you back as you were, yes. But this person you are now, wow! You are incredible! Your laugh, deep and raucous, louder than any laugh I have ever heard! I don't care, I'm not conscious of you shouting out, being loud, because I just am so in love and remember each time it could have been so different...that nothing matters!

I have learned the truth in that phrase 'the power of love' I see it nourishing you every time I am with you.

I am blessed and I am proud. I am humbled to be a part of you. Incredible, amazing you.

And I will always love you, the before you and the after you...

me Xxxxxxx