Saturday, 20 April 2013

Dear Alex, One shot...

19th April 2013

Dear Alex,

Suddenly life springs into trees blossoming, daffodils yellow as the sun, tulips rich red, birds surf the wind and sing in the cloud billowing skies overhead.

I feel a stirring, a nudge, a change in direction. My thoughts are starting to stretch. No longer based on a day-by-day existence. No longer watching the ticking clock, wondering when you will be stronger, better, more able. I think of a future, for us, the kids. I am realising that I am daring to look ahead for the first time. Look beyond the waiting and the hoping.

I feel the time is here for us to make decisions as a family, what we do now as a family, for the next x amount of years. Not just purely sitting here and waiting for a house that may or may not come through. Be in an area where we were forced to come back to due to your accident. Leaving the life we had both set up, striven for for years for the kids, I need that back now honey.

I need that life, with you, changed and different, but I now need to be living as we used to, and you will progress around us and with us, rather than us, your family, sitting here and waiting for you to come back exactly the same to us, and then do something towards our future.

Our kids, as parents we get one shot at their childhood. That is it. One shot to form their memories, one shot to flood them with a base full of love and our commitment to them. One shot to set them up for the rest of their lives. I need to look at them too, and do what is best for us all, especially them.

Baby, I have no idea what the future holds, I just know that now I am beginning tentatively to face it, with out total panic and fear, but with a gentle strength being breathed into me by the Most High as I seek guidance and courage.

I know we do have a future together, and a future as a family unit, we are blessed and will continue to feel so as we keep growing as a family.

There will always be a sadness in the steps I take alone, in the decisions I have to face alone, in bringing up the kids alone. But I think your best shot at progressing further is being around the family, with us all reaching out and grabbing hold of our future and the next step...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 15 April 2013

Dear Alex, Our Wedding Anniversary.

16 th April 2013

Dear Alex,

Nine years ago today I had been up since 3am with a crying grizzly 5-month-old Monty. I spend the morning trying to placate him and not be worried about the fact we were to be married that day and I'd be tired and miserable! I wasn't, I was more alive than ever I had been. In fact since the first day we met I have felt life, love, and the love I have always had from you has been selfless and steadfast.

You gave me a confidence I had never had, such agape love had I never felt.

You scooped me up and never set me down.

My angel, I am so so sorry this has happened to you I have had to learn to live with a heart broken in two.

I have lived, breathed, hankered after sought after, struggled for the same hopes and dreams as you for the last 11 years.

Now you cannot communicate any, if you are even capable of thinking them.

I have to think and act for us both now, and my God I miss you honey.

The hopes and dreams we had for the family for our growing kids.

How I would watch you fathering the kids, giving them advice or playing with them.

I used to smile and think how amazing you would be as a dad of teenagers when they need help and guidance. How I love how you would lead them by example and talk to them about life and love and values and priorities.

And now, they struggle to understand the simplest of sentences you speak...

Now, you cannot see them even to go to them and comfort them if you notice an 'I need a daddy cuddle' look...

We were married in Whitby registry office! We couldn't afford a big wedding so married just the two of us, Monty, our parents and your best mate.

I trembled as I walked down the aisle, saw you and couldn't hold it together. My beautiful blue eyed man stood, head turned watching me. I breathe, steady myself enough to carry on down the aisle. Then in our vows, we look into each others souls and declare that no matter what happens in Life we will be by each others side... In sickness and in health... Till death do us part.

And we are doing just that.

How I love you my angel, my knight in shining armour, till death do us part...

Happy wedding anniversary to my best friend, soul mate and love of my life. Keep dreaming, keep getting stronger my angel, we still have a life full of love and adventure together...

I love you

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 14 April 2013

Dear Alex, "None of this matters..."

14th April 2013

Dear Alex,

"None if this matters you know..."
"What do you mean?" I ask you
"This, (referring to what had happened to you and how our life now is) none of this matters, I still love you"

It was the words I needed to hear today.

Mulling over decisions, meeting yet another carer, realising life now is strangers walking in and out in the most intimate and private spaces, as wonderful as they are it's someone else in your house and a blatant reminder of what has changed and just how much.

I find it very difficult having carers here if truth be known. It's an invasion of my little loving nest I have wrapped our kids up in, an invasion of the private cocoon of our family. No, it's not their fault and I have huge respect for their chosen career, it takes a compassionate, patient person, takes someone caring and able to adapt in differing environments. It's not their fault they are here.

It's just not 'us' my little family. I have to welcome, appreciate, chat with, communicate with, talk about you with, talk about things I never thought I'd hear myself discussing with, I have to do all these things with a stranger.

I have to laugh with you, cry with you, talk with you, and all the kids, someone else always there, seeing, hearing all I do.

When I'm tired, I'm tired in front of a stranger. When I smile, I smile in the presence of a stranger. When I cry, I can't, I don't want a stranger to see, mostly I but back the tears that sting.

It's a strange world we have been flung into. No handbook, no user's guide, no map, no instructions, just flung one day unexpectedly and unwittingly.

Which is why tonight when the carer took their break, we had precious time together, kids sleep, I've finished cooking for the day, the washing can wait a while, I lie across your chest my cheek rising and falling with each breath you take and I love hearing what you just said...

... "None of this matters, I still love you"

Because it's true, if everything blew away, I'd still have my undying love for you and you for me.

Me xxxxxxxxxxx