Thursday, 30 May 2013

Dear Alex, Happily Ever After?

Dear Alex,

Monsters everywhere. The 'this is it' monster the 'nothing's changed, he's no happier at home' one. From 6 am till 12 pm and there's still no let up, as you cry and cry and cry, not exhausting from it. No distraction, no music, no words, this makes you angrier, no radio, no food (although you eat, you start again after you have finished), no getting up no lying down, no sitting on the sofa, chair, floor. No cuddle no soft words, no 'I can't do this Alex, the kids need me too...' No nothing.

Now 8pm. My head pounds, my heart aches, my eyes are raw, for all of today there has been the odd 5 minute interval where you have not cried. It's piercing, wailing. And there's not one thing I can do.

An unexpected horrendous episode and I decide I have to take the kids upstairs, I have to leave you to it for a while. I cannot take it anymore.

Where's my happily ever after? My happy reunited family, together finally again after a fight for 20 months.

My head throbs, my heart aches, my eyes are raw.

And when I thought 'no matter what, I just want you at home' and when I thought 'I have to fight' and I thought 'I have to do this for you, for me, get you home'... I did.

You're here.

You're safe.

But you're acting like you don't want to be here, like you hate me. And baby, what have I done?

I've fought your corner, brought up singlehandedly our kids. Visited you everyday against all odds. I've cried for you, grieved for you, mourned all our loss. I have loved you so deeply, even when your brain injury so severe has meant you have been unrecognisable to me.

So my baby, why today? Where is my happily ever after? I thought last week I had it, clasped in the palm of my hands, champagne glasses chinking and beaming smiles as it had all come to an end...the suffering. So I thought.

Where is it? My happily ever after.

Where has he gone, my Alex, the gentle one who loved me, the Alex, the one I knew?

Me xxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 28 May 2013