Thursday, 16 January 2014

Dear Alex, Rainbows.

Dear Alex,

Rainbows remind me of promise, of hope, of beauty. Through darkened and grey, rainy skies, that something of such pure beauty and colour could suspend from the storm is always a wonder to me.

Driving to Exeter to see you today, the skies have clouded over, the rain, once again is pouring. Unexpectedly, the sun appears, and I look out for a rainbow. Glancing to my left I see a double rainbow, bright colours radiating, soaking through the countryside, the rainbow pouring down, the rainbow's end hitting the field next to me. As I drive, the end of the rainbow moves along the ground next to me, coating the field in splendour and vibrant colour. I think of you and how The Most High has promised to take care of us, and I feel healing moving in you as it moves across a rain drenched and muddy field.

Your mood was relaxed and happy today, and I had the best time with you that I have had in months. I caught up with the therapists, and laughed and cuddled you.

Today was a good day.

A rainbow in stormy times. An injection of colour and radiance, of God's blessing into what has been a hard few years.

I still hold on to hope, to the beauty of healing, to your strength returning, and your mood stabilising.

To the day you will come home.

Me xxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Dear Alex, Memories.

Dear Alex,

Soft soggy sand beneath our feet, a snatched hour before the school run and a dog walk with my friend.  Wind blows fresh air through us, the dogs play and I wipe unexpected tears as I see a man with a stick, Betsie stops and watches him, A memory comes flooding back...

Long dark curls down to your chin, those bright blue eyes I have sunk into so many times, a sheepskin coat and a job at a Safari park when we first meet. You bring back a huge brach for Oliver to chew, over two metres in length, you bring it back and play with Oliver, laughing when he tries to drag the branch back to you. Oliver loves it and spends weeks chewing it and trying to drag the enormous branch around the small garden where we first live together.

This leads to another memory, a huge piece of driftwood which I fell in love with on the beach where you always surfed. I loved it so much you went and got it for me, it was a two man job, it was huge! A vast, beautiful piece of driftwood, and you got it for me! It is still in France, in my friend's garden out there.

As I allow myself to begin thinking of small things, trying to reach in and pull out of a box I do not know is even still guarding any memories any more, they have been so neglected for so long...over two years now. This is now why I try, why tears fall when I least expect.

It is healing inwards and out. Nonetheless, it is painful.

Honouring who you once were my angel...

Honouring those memories, for the sake of you, the kids, and me.

Although this was perhaps one of the most painful memories I could have reappeared without me searching, it shows they are still there, buried, but trickling back.

And, and I dealt with it too. Dried my eyes, cuddled Betsie, chatted to my friend, carried on walking and went to pick up the kids...

I am beginning to get stronger, facing these. Embracing these.

Thank you for the memories of who we used to be.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 12 January 2014

Dear Alex, A few second's memory...

Dear Alex,

I began this thinking of you, as I always do, and yet I have forgotten what I was inspired by to write this...

I remember thinking of the visit today, and OK, yes, now I remember what it was...

It was you, it was New Year, and one of my resolutions.

To think of you, as you were before, and collect those thoughts.

To remember.

I have been trying to think of you as you were before each day, just to practice a memory of you on a daily basis.

So I can write them, hold them, show them to the kids one day, who their daddy was, before the accident.

But I haven't been able to, not yet.

It has been 11 long days I have tried, and try as I might, the memories are too hard, too painful, blocked.

Today I allowed myself a few second's of memory. I had a short film-like memory of you. We are out in the garden in France, Sitting on the porch, by our old Espace. You smoke a cigaret, sink a beer. Chickens, ducks put away for the night, kids in bed. Sun has set, it is dark, blowing smoke rings, never far from me as you pace and talk. Your strong arms, T-shirt and baggy jeans. tanned surfed-a-lot face bright. Blue eyes I am sunken by. Those eyes, that mouth...that you...and the few seconds I keep hold of. I do not relinquish, I embrace the thought, the memory, I am perturbed by the fact I cannot think of you, feel you as you once were. Why can I not??

Why is it so, so hard?

Where are the memories?

Why can I not reach them and fell them as reality, that life, that you and that us was real. I feel like it has slipped away, and after having to deal with the everyday, I was never strong enough to look back. And now I want to, I really do, I want to remember like it was yesterday that you and me, but I don't.

It feels like it was another life, one I am no longer part of, almost as though I never was, so distant and fleeting are any recollections.

Tomorrow I am coming in to see you again, although I cannot stop for long, with 3 hours there and back in between school runs, it doesn't afford me much time. Although this is not for long, a short stay at Exeter, so it is not too daunting.

Alex, you have made me so proud, but those moments I lose you, I am hopeless, a small child wanting love. I am lost.

I hope tomorrow you will be OK. I hope tomorrow I will be able to face another memory, that I will manage to find one of you.

I hope for so much...

me xxxxxxxxx