Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Dear Alex, Memories.






Dear Alex,


Soft soggy sand beneath our feet, a snatched hour before the school run and a dog walk with my friend.  Wind blows fresh air through us, the dogs play and I wipe unexpected tears as I see a man with a stick, Betsie stops and watches him, A memory comes flooding back...

Long dark curls down to your chin, those bright blue eyes I have sunk into so many times, a sheepskin coat and a job at a Safari park when we first meet. You bring back a huge brach for Oliver to chew, over two metres in length, you bring it back and play with Oliver, laughing when he tries to drag the branch back to you. Oliver loves it and spends weeks chewing it and trying to drag the enormous branch around the small garden where we first live together.

This leads to another memory, a huge piece of driftwood which I fell in love with on the beach where you always surfed. I loved it so much you went and got it for me, it was a two man job, it was huge! A vast, beautiful piece of driftwood, and you got it for me! It is still in France, in my friend's garden out there.

As I allow myself to begin thinking of small things, trying to reach in and pull out of a box I do not know is even still guarding any memories any more, they have been so neglected for so long...over two years now. This is now why I try, why tears fall when I least expect.

It is healing inwards and out. Nonetheless, it is painful.

Honouring who you once were my angel...

Honouring those memories, for the sake of you, the kids, and me.

Although this was perhaps one of the most painful memories I could have had...it reappeared without me searching, it shows they are still there, buried, but trickling back.

And, and I dealt with it too. Dried my eyes, cuddled Betsie, chatted to my friend, carried on walking and went to pick up the kids...

I am beginning to get stronger, facing these. Embracing these.

Thank you for the memories of who we used to be.


Me xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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