Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Dear Alex, As the Flame Flickers.

Dear Alex,

Flame flickers like life. Fades and rears, ignites and lights the room where I type.

As the flame flickers, I reflect.

I turn my thoughts to you, to the Most High and I feel humbled.

I whisper 'Abba Father', feeling warmth and praise for where you have come from.

No time scale, no earthly one at least, in your healing. But healing this is.

Time is, thank fully on our side. Your youth, although a devastating factor, also a 'bonus'; it is on your side.

I think of the boy we met 18 months ago who had been in a car accident, a young boy, who just healed and flourished. No, he will never be the same, but his healing was breath taking.

As too, now you are in all the right places, your healing is also awe inspiring.

I watch the flickering flame, feel warmth, feel light, feel your healing.

I have just received a phone-call from you. You were upset, but because you had not seen me today, and you remembered. You remembered! Your tears on the phone I can console. Usually, you can be inconsolable, no matter where I am, or what I do. But tonight, I can even console you.

This, all this is in God's hands.

You heal, you progress, you move in the direction I will you to.

Mountains being moved, and whoever thought it?

But they can be moved,

They are being moved,

And you are slowly, mostly, coming back to me...

Me xxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 11 February 2014

Dear Alex, Two-and-a-Half Years.

Dear Alex,

"Hi babes, it's Alex, how are you?"

How am I? Well, so pleased you asked, I say. I almost wonder if it is someone pretending to be you, your speech so clear, the fact you asked about me!

There is something I cannot put my finger on about how you are. It is almost as if you are bubbling back. Sometimes, still very much not there, but it seems that more often than not, you are.

I heard today that you walked down the hall of the Rehab Centre in a frame!! You have not done this for a year or so. I heard, baby, I was partly devastated I did not get to see it, but the overwhelming knowledge that you had done this has blown me away.

It has been a funny week, I have been feeling so emotional. I think SUnday, when Monty and you had such a healing cuddle and shared some much needed tears together pushed me into a it of an emotional set off. But it is also because I see you doing so well.

It has turned something upside down in me.

I have been waiting for two-and-a-half years honey, TWO-AND-A-HALF years for this. And you seem to be doing so well.

It feels so long anticipated, so hard have I held on to hope and promise form the Most High that he has not finished with you yet, that in seeing you accomplish physical goals, to progress cognitively, my soul beats more slowly, lets go for a bit and witnesses improvement I have only dreamed of until now.

And I fall.

I fall internally, just for a while. Just enough to feel relief, respite, and heal a little.

Healing hurts.

But in a good way, not a raw open sore which festers, but a wound healing slowly, deliberately and carefully.

It heals through pride for you.

It heals through slat tears of relief.

I feel relief, angel.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 9 February 2014

Dear Alex, Our Boy.

Monty, 5-years-old, in France.

Dear Alex,

In the name of being a 'good' mum, I swallow a lot of emotion.

I have to put you, Alex, and the kids before me. I am not special in this, ever parent does, or should. But sometimes I cry out internally for it to be about me for a while. Just to feel a bit sorry for myself, just for a while. To wallow in self pity, in loss and grief and sadness, and let it swallow me up.

But I can't.

I watch our kids, their writing stories together. Their playing schools. Their playing lego, building other worlds under their bed and role playing for hours. I listen to them read, discovering how letters are sounds, that form words, that make sentences into a story. I watch them draw, create, imagine and make. I witness angels smiling at me each time one of them smiles. When they climb up me, and spin over, when they always want to sit next to me, and the squabbles ensue!

I am so heavenly blessed with these kids of ours.

Spending time with them fulfils and renews my soul. A soothing balm for an aching heart, their laughter. Their little ways, the way the develop and grow.

Only today, was a hard one for me.

When Monty was so emotional at seeing you, kissed you on the cheek, a long lingering kiss, and cuddled you, allowing himself to be fully cuddled by you for one of the first times. Then he cries, cuddling harder into you as you say 'I love MOnty, I love Monty, I love Monty'

His boy sobs into your man chest, and he says 'I love you too dad, you're the best dad int he world.'

My eyes well and spill, but I know if Monty thinks this is upsetting me, he will make a joke and run off to do something else.

My throat hurt so, restraining the tears, after cuddling you and our boy, all three of us. I kiss your heads, tell you both how much I love you, and few tears spill as I try to remain strong.

But I have to.

Thank you God for that moment.

I am free to cry tears alone now our boy is in bed.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx