Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Dear Alex, Triggers.

Dear Alex,

Gales have blown, still bow, a trip to Asda later mentally scheduled to gather up some more Winter warmers, as the ice cold winds cut through your whole being. Refreshed and red cheeked, I shut the door on the wind outside and unleash Oliver from his lead. Fetching him a treat I flick on the gas under the kettle on the stove. I can go nowhere without having had my morning coffee, and today I am excited, so looking forward to seeing you.

I think about how much you not being here during the week has changed things.

Home at the weekends, I get to pamper you, spoil you with love and affection, the kids are happy to have you home and crawl all over you. During the week I am able on the Tuesday and Thursday to turn my mind to getting on with the things I need to, various appointments I have with OTs, or arranging things for you. Catching up with plans for you, how you are getting on and writing up from the weekend what I have observed of potential triggers to your behaviour, and this has reached several conclusive triggers- coupled with their documenting at the Care home too, we can see a clear pattern when it comes to hunger, tiredness, noise. At least this can act as a preventative, although there are times when there is no trigger at all, it is encouraging to see there are those times with clear triggers, and they can be prevented.

It all feels like, at the moment, with where you are, the picture of you as you are now, is being built up with the right support and input around you to move forward. It feels good, positive. And today you are in a wonderful mood and the biggest surprise to me yet, I do not tell you ONCE, not even once to keep your head up! Physically you seem to be progressing almost on a daily basis, with your feet on the plates on your wheel chair, you can push your self up and your body prostrate, leaning your head and shoulders on the back of your chair, you could almost stand from this position...I am so overwhelmed seeing this competence and your mastering physically your body once more, I have such high hopes that you will walk again.

And the best news yet-you have been accepted onto the waiting list for the Centre in Exeter, the Intensive rehab!

I am daring to hope, daring to believe in the impossibles...

That the Most High will carry you, guide you in the dark times, open your eyes...

From your extremely overwhelmed wife,

me xxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 17 November 2013

Dear Alex, 'No, I'm telling you...'

Dear Alex,

An arrow launched into my heart, it bleeds as our conversation, which with variable content, has been the same most of the weekend.

I jotted it all down later, I wanted to keep clear accounts of how aware you have been this weekend. This couples with amazing effort physically on your part, Although we still continue to use the belt which straps around you, under your bum and then with handles on the side to pull you up, it is no longer needed. You pull yourself up with ease. You stand tall, for several minutes. Your posture over the weekend has been amazing, I have hardly heard myself remind you to keep your head up.

As you talk to me, ask to speak to me in private about 'things', I explain sitting on your lap, my cheek pressed against yours, your tears wetting my face and neck, I remain strong for you, although the palpitations in my heart and my tears once you and the kids are in bed, tell the whole story.

'Why? Why me? I have never done anything to anyone, I was never a bad person, why has this happened to me?'

'Why am I like this? Why don't my legs work? What's wrong with them? How did I get like this?'

Please listen to me because I can't always think like this, properly, like this'

'Imagine being me, like this...why have I been punished? What have I done?'

'I'm still the same inside, I am still all yours...'

And as you try and make sense of this, of why and how and when and when you will be better, you stop for a second and say 'I will not always be like this' And I ask you if you are asking me whether you will always be this way? To which you reply with such clear speech, 'No, I'm telling you'

I grab you, tell you how wonderful hearing you say this is, tell you this is the first time you have showed such insight and clarity of both speech and though, the first time you have shown motivation in wanting to get better, stronger.

And my baby, this is SO wonderful. I haven't ever heard you speak this way, I have never seen motivation on your part in understanding and wanting to get better-this is what I have been waiting for all along.

You can master that drive, you can grasp hold with all of you and all of me, and all who support you and will you on and pray for you, you can grasp it and use it-to drive you towards progressing further.

I explain I have no answers, that my heart bleeds for you being in this position, but that, although our bodies are very different now, our souls always have been and always will be as one, connected and the same. Our physical bodies are different, but what counts is unmoved. Unaltered, unchanged, and the bond is stronger than ever after being through together what we have been in this life...

I sip Blackcurrent  and pear tea, I pour out my thoughts here, I 'deal' with it, but my body aches for you to reach acceptance, that, if I could, I would take all of this from you...

Pray God that He sees you and hears your cries of heartbreaking distress, that He hears and responds and comforts and aids the healing, my beautiful man.

Forever yours,

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx