Saturday, 15 December 2012

Thought for the day, week #2

In light of this week's devastating news, heartache is rife in Connecticut.

I have no words of comfort, I just hope each one has emotional support from true friends, as that is invaluable at a time like this.

My thought for the day is something I read:

"The friend who can stay silent with us in a moment of confusion or despair, who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing...not healing... not curing, that is a friend indeed" HENRI NOUWEN

My prayers and thoughts for them are for strength and healing...

Thursday, 13 December 2012

Dear Alex, Bit scared...

13th December 2012

Dear Alex,

Beauty, breathtaking and breath-giving, inhale icy air, breathe out mist and revel in leaves outlined white, silvery dust floating in bitter air, spider webs promiscuously draped everywhere, takeover in their white silver elegance…

It took so long to get to school this morning, drinking in all the beauty of the frost, heavy, beautiful and leaving everything in white dress.

It was home visit day yesterday for you Alex, although today you do not remember you were home yesterday. We had the most incredible day. Picked the kids up from school, and something changed.

I realised, Monty can’t cope with you. After school, he hid till I sought him in the playground, then chastised me for bringing you, it was 'embarrassing' and I was a crap mum for having done it. He stormed off, stomping the route home. I am back to earth with a thud on icy ground. When we get home, the noise, five people needing me to do things, you’re drenched. I have to change you, there’s a knock at the door, one of the kids disregards my instruction not to open the door, the noise escalates, they grizzle, they demand, Monty scowls at me, tells you not to talk to him, 'just shut up dad’ whenever you call his name. It’s a yo-yo kind of grieving for him. The dad he had, knew and adored is not there. But you are still here, his child-like hope that you’ll pop back to how you were before, he keeps secretly deep down hoping, but every time he sees you he has to confront it’s not happened yet, you’re not the dad he wants…I’m not blaming him for how he’s feeling, or the fact he’s angry at me about it. I just don’t know what to do. Other than love him, wrap him up in mummy unconditional love and let him go through it, reassuring him.

I flip. I buckle, I shout, I bend, I cry.

This is no easy path. You have to come home, you will never progress if you’re not a home. I also have to protect and look after four kids, who, young and ‘fatherless’ (in that sense) need me all the more.

Today I ache, you’re so heavy to push, and my back is in agony from lifting, turning, pushing.

But, do you know what, it’s not about me. It’s about you and the kids. That’s all.

I have to cope. No excuses, no nothing, just have to!

Bit scared,

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Dear Alex, Your Christmas wish...

11thDecember 2012

Dear Alex,

A tingling feeling,not strong, not overpowering, not excitement, but a little like that. Just a tiny grumble, something, maybe good afoot? I don’t know why I feel it, but if I tune in to me, to God, to nature and the Most High’s omnipotence, omnipresence, I think I feel it. I don’t know how or why…

Mood reflected in the weather, fog and heavy mist curse my journey this morning. I arrive to you, you're surprised, and you surprise me even more by saying ‘oh, you’re in early’ it’s half and hour earlier than I usually manage, so I’m amazed you noticed. Then as I kiss you and fling myself in your arms, your face crumples, you begin to cry saying ‘oh thank goodness my baby is here, my baby’s here’

I can’t say I’m leaping around on cloud nine at the moment. The house situation and desperation for one worsens, becomes more desperate with every passing day. I HAVE to get you home. Only I don’t have a home you could live in! Every day passes tears my heart a little more. So much so it aches permanently across my chest. I ask you what you want for Christmas ‘To be at home’ is your reply, your brow locks, eyes close, tears pour as I cuddle you into me.

Oh baby, I have no answers. I have NO answers. And this is akin to mental torture. In fact it is mental torture!

I keep searching, seeking solutions, racking my brains. I now have a wonderful OT on my side, who can see the need for you to be at home, how you would progress so much more, how the family needs it. She’s doing all she can too, and we nearly have overnight stays in place as a result! Which is my short-term aim. Start with what is possible, an overnight/weekend stay. Then tackle the impossible, the house and long-term when I have the short term in place. It’s the only thing I can do.

I said to a friend the other day it’s like scratching at a wall with a feather, trying to get to the other side. It feels that impossible all this!

I just need to trust, request, pray, hope and plead. I’ve been provided with this house, when I had 3 weeks notice to get out of the first house we moved back to England into. I’ve been provided with ramps, my neighbour just so happened to have them in her garage! And a car. Exactly at the right times. Although I have to admit, the solution to an accessible house feels very late already in coming!

This is my prayer, a home for all my family to live in together.

I love you Alex, I’m trying…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 9 December 2012

#PAPS Diary of a Benefits Scrounger...


Righteo, my bestest blogging friend in the whole wide world ever, is Superamazingmum.

We have discussed the fact that these days most blogs are trawling through endless reviews, a bit like constant adverts and no's a shame, we're losing the passion for writing it seems... But what's this? Superamazingmum has set up #PAPS? So, we check out blogs, find one we enjoyed, for the fact it's not a review, and pimp it.

Here is the one I am pimping,

Because reading it, I keep up-to-date with the world I now find myself in.

Because the blogger writes coherently, unashamedly about real issues in Britain today, about real people who when we live a 'normal' life, we forget about and imagine exist miles away, not in our own back yard...

Because it instigates emotion and the want to take action. It's emotive and inspiring...Please give the blog a read...

And listen to real people and real issues of people with disabilites.