Dear Alex, Bit scared...
13th December 2012
Dear Alex,
Beauty, breathtaking and breath-giving, inhale icy air, breathe out mist
and revel in leaves outlined white, silvery dust floating in bitter air, spider
webs promiscuously draped everywhere, takeover in their white silver elegance…
It took so long to get to school this morning, drinking in all the
beauty of the frost, heavy, beautiful and leaving everything in white dress.
It was home visit day yesterday for you Alex, although today you do not
remember you were home yesterday. We had the most incredible day. Picked the
kids up from school, and something changed.
I realised, Monty can’t cope with you. After school, he hid till I sought him in the playground, then
chastised me for bringing you, it was 'embarrassing' and I was a crap mum for having
done it. He stormed off, stomping the route home. I am back to earth with a thud on icy ground. When we get home,
the noise, five people needing me to do things, you’re drenched. I have to change you, there’s a knock at the door,
one of the kids disregards my instruction not to open the door, the noise
escalates, they grizzle, they demand, Monty scowls at me, tells you not to talk
to him, 'just shut up dad’ whenever you call his name. It’s a yo-yo kind of
grieving for him. The dad he had, knew and adored is not there. But you are
still here, his child-like hope that you’ll pop back to how you were before, he
keeps secretly deep down hoping, but every time he sees you he has to confront it’s
not happened yet, you’re not the dad he wants…I’m not blaming him for how he’s
feeling, or the fact he’s angry at me about it. I just don’t know what to do. Other
than love him, wrap him up in mummy unconditional love and let him go through
it, reassuring him.
I flip. I buckle, I shout, I bend, I cry.
This is no easy path. You have to come home, you will never progress if
you’re not a home. I also have to protect and look after four kids, who, young
and ‘fatherless’ (in that sense) need me all the more.
Today I ache, you’re so heavy to push, and my back is in agony from
lifting, turning, pushing.
But, do you know what, it’s not about me. It’s about you and the kids. That’s
all.
I have to cope. No excuses, no nothing, just have to!
Bit scared,
Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You have to cope but you are not a machine and if you are tired, in pain and stressed you cannot look after everyone. Don't be so hard on yourself you need time to adapt too. Anna
ReplyDeleteyou are most definitely not a machine, are you lifting, turning by yourself? as this should be done with a sling and hoist or turning sheets and a support worker to help?
ReplyDelete