Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Dear Alex, The return....

February 8th 2012

Dear Alex,

The return…

You landed safe and sound February 2nd 2012, accompanied by you dad. You have settled in well, and when I landed too late to see you on Saturday night with the kids, I was devastated knowing there would be yet another day’s wait till I could see you. Your sister Jo takes me in to see you and points at the room you’re in, I literally start sprinting down the corridor, and sobbing, throw myself at you, just kissing you and cuddling you telling you 'I’m here, look, we made it babes, we’ve done it, you and me, we're here know…’ we both cry and I rest my face against yours and you lift your hand up to put it on my head. It was such an overwhelmingly emotional moment, and I know I have made the right decision, with English speakers all around you, I am sure you will progress much better, as there is no language barrier. You brain will not have to make such an effort to comprehend, I know you’re much more relaxed.

As the plane took off from Biarritz airport, I held the kids' hands, tears were streaming down my face-this was it, the take off to our new life, unknown, scary, and without you by my side to help me though it. Monty looks at me and says, ‘it’s been good here in France, hasn’t it mummy?’ ‘yes it has sweetheart, it really has’ and I cannot force the tears back in, I just need to let them roll…my good friend Rachel had months ago coincidentally booked the same flight!! it was lovely to have her by my side, wiping up my tears and snot...She was a lovely comfort. (miss u guys :( )

I have busied myself finding a school for the kids, getting uniforms, getting paper work finished in France, and started in England, and as we came back with just our suitcases of clothes, and the white goods, we are low on everything else-we have brought back no toys, Monty’s star wars lego-he’s distraught, no barbies, no books, nothing to make or do. The kids are bored.

Although for me, I feel at rock bottom right now, claustrophobic, I do not know where I am, I want to go into hibernating mode and just be quiet and alone with our kids, let the dust settle for a bit, I feel shell shocked, the culture, the pace, the traffic, the area, I have no idea where I am. I am scared at night in the house on my own too, as I have only me. My family has helped running me around, getting in shopping etc, but I find myself on Monday morning down, staring out at the English sky, no mountainous views and feeling regrets and anger and resentment that we had to leave our dream. The thing is with me, despite all that is going on, and me wanting to keep a low profile-I have just spent five months being ‘the talk of the town’ and I found that very difficult to deal with, people not knowing me or my family, but making judgements, and knowing apparently all about me because of what had happened, I was feeling strangled.

Now I feel strangled here, I have no independence at the moment, although my sister and brother-in-law have leant me their car for a few days, I just do not know the area, and wish we were still in France…You and I baby, spent so long trying to set up what we did for the kids over there, and now we’ve had to come back.

But through all this, I keep holding onto one thing, I am never going to let this sink me, as the minute I became a mother, found you, honey, I swore to all our babies, as their tiny fingers grasped around my little finger, to always protect them, to do my best for them, to never let them come to harm, in every way I could. And right here, right now, with all that’s going on, I cannot keep it from them, but I can be the stable, constant, loving, smiling mummy they have always known-that, that I can do, and that does not need to change. Your loving wife, devoted to you, always hoping, and the mummy I always dreamed of being when I was little….

All the rest is just a distraction, obstacles thrown at you to try and drag you down, you just have to let them go through you, keep bobbing up and down, and use your faith as a buoyancy aid, the love of others, a safety ring. The more is thrown at me at the moment, I am thinking, well it won’t break me, because I am a mummy and I HAVE to do this for your, and the kids’ sakes, thus I find despite feeling low, tearful at times, confused, anxious, I always have the power to pick my self up again, and plough on.

It’s tough back here, I don’t know anyone, and having just left some beautiful friends, who have been there with me since the 4th October 2011, I feel very alone. I can rationalise, and I know I’ll make friends, but, really at the moment, it’s not the time. I need the kids happy in their routine of school and activity clubs and making friends, then gradually the rest will fall into place.

What amazing friends-Friday helping me at the house, and handing over the keys, my real life angels...I'll never forget them...

I just miss you being you, miss ‘us’ the ‘us’ time we would have together, our chats, our cuddles, your constant affection, your laugh, your humour, you as my protector, confidant and love of my life. I guess when it gets down to it, I just miss family walks…

I have to just keep on believing that we will get this back one day, but this is all so long, it takes so long honey….

I am never quitting, never stopping the dream, you and me and the kids down at the beach, me in your arms once again, it’s all I want, thus all the other rubbish that I have to trawl through, the everyday irritating minor/major stresses I hose them off my back, because they are not going to stick there and niggle at me, I have you to think about, and your health is all I want.

I pray to be ‘a light for God, that you are healed, and to be a good mum’ that’s all I care about, and I will not let the rest break me.

I will battle on from my corner baby, I promise, I just wish it was still in France, our happy little life we’d set up there…but life’s not like that, and you have to deal with whatever it is that is thrown at you, if I don’t carry it all, no one will, and that is not going to happen, but you really could have bought me that donkey to share my load a bit!
I love you my man, we’re back, we have returned…let’s see where this path leads us to now, all we can do is wait, have faith, patience and perseverance, and one day, we’ll see…

I’ll see you tomorrow my angel,

Me xxxxxxxxxxx