Saturday, 1 March 2014

Dear Alex, How Dare They?

Dear Alex,

I fell into your arms today, I held back the tears. I am missing you so much at the moment. The rules at the moment, so as to conserve your energy and really make the most of your final few weeks in the Centre, is that I can only go in on a Saturday with the kids for one hour. I was met by stern faced nurses, surprised to see me with the kids. they say this is not allowed, it was to be me and me only to visit for one hour. I looked equally as sternly back and informed them that the kids would be going to see their daddy, whether they 'allowed' it or not and marched past them to see you. 

Situations like this reaffirm how in control others are, how I, even as your wife apparently count for nothing. How angry this makes me, how dare they?

But I lose these feelings and make the most of the short time I spend with you. 

I chat to you of my plans for 'Making Waves for You' and you listen, eyebrows raised and give me lots of thumbs up.

I find myself turning the whirring thought which I am consumed with all day and most of the night, into thoughts of how I can do this all. Of positive, proactive thoughts that keep me uplifted, busy in a challenging way.

The ideas i have will take me a long while to set up. I have the skeleton of what will be a major thing. I need to raise awareness, this I will find the most difficult. Publicity, getting the word out there.

One of my aims is for people to write their 'Stories of Hope' for anyone that has experienced brain injury and their journey. To offer hope to others that may be early on in the brain injury journey. 

Again, if anyone know of anyone who would like to share their story, they can contact me via my FaceBook page or on here.

I am fired up, inspired, motivated, and I am on a roll!

I feel so different, much more positive…

Me xxxxxxxxxx

Thursday, 27 February 2014

Dear Alex, Hatching a Plan.

Photo of Alex taken by

Dear Alex,

It all has to stop being about the pain, and begin somewhere.

It has to be about how I can use this for the better, not let it drag me, ruin me and focus me on just that, me.

I have been thinking for so long about how I can achieve this, what I can do.

And I finally have some conclusions, and I am throwing myself into this!

This blog will be that, always, my memories, my letters to you, our journey. And with that, I want to create a place where others who have know loss or tragedy, have been through Brain Injury, whatever that may entail. I want to put my pain to purpose, use this blog for good.

The information I have accumulated, the journey I have been on, the length of time I have spent surviving, learning how to cope, I want to let others know. For others to be able to interact with other stories on this new project blog I will going on.

It will take some weeks, months, but I am going to turn this blog into something more than just my letters.

I hope to launch it properly in the next month or so. 

I am going to write about coping, about resources available, the help that is out there. About research, holistic therapies and others which I have, through personal experience used for Alex. How to help children through grief and acceptance, whether it be through activities, helpful books to read or ways to talk to your child.

Not just the things I have used for Alex, but the ways I have coped, the methods I use, the ways I have tried to include and explain and help the kids deal with this situation.

I hope to grow this seed of a blog into a Resources website, a real life one, with a person, me, talking and sharing my experiences and thus offering constructive solutions and directions for others that may have gone through the same or similar situations. An interactive site for families who know Brain injury, or who know trauma and loss and grief.

It is my new project.

I have found my way of turning my pain into purpose.

I am refocusing my anguish into a positive frame for others to benefit (hopefully) from.

From my experience, nothing like this exists. Yes, there are resources and help, but from my perspective, I have not come across anyone who has something like this, a place where a real person who sees what it really is, is on the journey of the people I hope may turn here.

So please watch this space, and if you know anyone who may like to share their story, this will be a place for those to do that too, as it may help others who are going through a similar thing.

So this is it, pain into purpose!

It starts here…Please share this post if you can, I would like anyone who would like to know about to know, or if you would somehow like to be involved, please let me know in the comments. 

Thank you,

Me xxxxxxxxxx 

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Dear Alex, How do I Get Beyond This?

Treasured memories of France.

Dear Alex,

How do I get beyond this?

How can I hope to get through?

How long, as time drags resisting offering me an opportunity with a family unit, a husband by my side a father for my kids…

How, as the nights are long and the evenings longer, do I survive a loneliness I never thought possible?

Can still, even now, not believe is possible.

How do I survive this and come out the other side?

When the other side may be this, forever.

And that terrifies me.

Like a child alone, parents departed, none to depend on, no idea what to do or how to seek help.

A desperate need in me to be loved, cherished, supported, to have a companion by my side, through it all. A desperate need that I can and never will have fulfilled.

How I miss you Alex Wood. The times we had and the days we spent and how you cherished me, loved me, supported and held me. How is it that that man is no more?

How do you get over a fear so powerful it haunts your dreams, clouds your days and invades your character?

I need to change.

I need to change this, for I am spiralling downward, and downwards fast…

Tomorrow is a new day.

Sleep well my baby, till I hold you in my arms again,

Me xxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 25 February 2014

Dear Alex, The Rhythm of Nature.

Esmie as a baby x

Dear Alex,

Snowdrops, white bud heads bowed humbly align the roads, white Airplane lines trail the blue sky, flock of birds illuminated silver by sun dance to their Creator's rhythm. Rhythm of nature, creations' reason d'ĂȘtre. Breathtaking beauty all round. From rich mud dividing the road, to primroses peeking through muddy grassy verges, to branches, buds appearing beginning to whisper 'life'…

Visceral sensation of the pounding inevitability of life, the Seasons and creation. Of the variability of life and how each Season is beauty. Each life experience is beautiful, in ways we may never realise in this life.

I was thankful for my appointment with the Counsellor today. It is a place where I feel I can say what I need to, where she listens without agenda. Helps me calm my many thoughts and fears by putting them into pockets almost. I can talk free of feeling I need to make her like me, free of feeling she may judge me as I know she has much experience of very similar cases, so must have heard it all before, and some!

I came away feeling a little lighter. She helped me confront the feelings or things that were driving me to feel as I was, rather than what the action, i.e. escape, was. Unearthing the roots.

I feel no better, although I know I managed to string some sentences together, and spend some useful thinking time with someone, rather than it trailing round my head, like a fish becoming more and more entangled in a Fisherman's net.

My gut groans at he thought, the truth I know, you are not coming back as you once were.

Fears grip, blindfold me, will I cope, forever, like this?

I feel suffocated, frustrated and wish from the depths of my being I could just be… Just be a normal mummy, a normal wife. But no decision is down to me anymore. So many are involved, so invaded the relationship of ours, and I want you BACK.

I want normality back.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 23 February 2014

Dear Alex, Not There.

Dear Alex,

A week's worth of visitors and daily activities has left fatigue mocking me. I have the kids in bed by 8pm tonight, seemingly an early one these days. They are still up, but at least they are beginning to settle.

As my only company in the house (although I realise 'only' and 'four kids' don't meld well in that sentence!) I have let them stay up later and later as the months have gone on since your accident. Their laughter and niggles and reading and teeth cleaning and wiping faces and donning pyjamas, I am in love with every second of it. I can never complain that life as a mummy is unfulfilled or boring…

The feeling of ebbing along, not achieving much, being a slow observer on the pare metres of my life has plagued me for months now. I haven't seen the counsellor since before Christmas, and my appointment is long awaited on Tuesday. She asked me to write down various moments and how I was feeling. I have a rambling list, no structure, and the words stare me starkly in the face. Rambling about companionship and the lack of it terrifying me. About loss,  no freedom, suffocation, trying to make the best of a situation and feeling numbed by it all and just wanting it all to change now…

Screaming 'enough is enough' failing to tear down the cold dark stone walls which surround me.

Oppression and hurt.

Anger and loss.

And what else can I do but show her what is really there?

Whether it helps or not, I know I have to talk, not let it all fester.

I feel unconfident as a lone mother raising her cubs alone without the help and support of her partner.

How will they fare?

How will our babies turn out?

I always needed and wanted you there.

I never asked for this, and I am scared I will not do the best job of this baby.

And where are you to ask your advice on this?

Not there.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx