Saturday, 14 December 2013

Dear Alex, A sadness.

Dear Alex,

So he has gone, my companion in your absence and best friend.

If you are not 'animal people' you cannot 'get this'.

There is a sadness in me that will never leave.

Oliver, as long as he was by my side-in whatever capacity that was, he was the happiest dog around, so proud to be with me, so loyal, so faithful.

When I was young, although I have never talked about this here, I was messed up, an eating disorder that sent me to a rehab centre, a loneliness, a worthlessness that in getting him healed me in many ways. from the day I got Oliver, to present day, he has been by my side, like my arms, my legs, something I couldn't do without, someone who was a presence, a begin that loved me despite… a presence that gave me 'agape'- selfless love.

I have to tell you Alex, about Oliver parting, because, as a person now, I cannot hide a thing. I cannot lie, pretend, I am just who I am. I don't ever want to hurt, but if I feel something, I will tell the truth, because life is short and I feel it in my bones, and it makes me me, it makes me who I am, I am truthful, honest and will tell you how it is. It may not be a good thing, it may not be the right thing, but it is why and who I am now…

Oliver leaving this world is an experience I will never forget.

We get in from the last school run, all of us, all together, and I know… I know I have to call the vets. But I collapse in agonising tears. I can't breathe.

I pray, ask for some kind of strength to get through this, I wail.

I pull myself together, but sob down the phone, the vet can barely understand me. They confirm they will be with me after lunch.

I take Oliver for his last beach walk ever with my friend and her dog. I don't feel strong enough to go alone. Because I feel your absence Alex, lack your comfort, your words, your cuddles. And this situation has made me see how not having you here in the capacity I need you, I cannot depend on you, and my God how I need that right now.

It was a beautiful walk, I lift him back up into the car, we return, and now we have to wait. An agonising two hours. I lie next to Oliver, stroking him behind his ears, his favourite thing. Thanking him for who he had been to me and what he had done for us, and how much we all loved him. ANd I didn't bother to stop the tears.

As I still can't three days on.

He lay in my arms, cuddled his head into me as he went to sleep forever. I felt him go. An intense heat rose through me, almost burning, but comforting and strengthening, then I went cold. His energy passed through me as he went. Wanting to let me know we would always be connected.

I have to tell you tomorrow Alex.

I cannot hide it.

It's been a week of sorrow and heartache and I am broken.

me xxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday, 12 December 2013

Dear Alex, Old faithful … Time has run out.

Dear Alex,

I do not know if you will ever remember this, ever understand this, ever 'get' this… I am on my own in this. But time has run out.

I sleep on the sofa, well, I have Oliver on the one side, one of the cats on the other, I am still in my clothes, after the nativity performances, from Mitzi and Esmie tonight, and getting in late, 9pm was when I got them roughly to sleep in my room. Two on the floor, two in my bed, I have realised, so painfully, heart dragging that this is my last night with our old faithful.

He pants beside me. He has let me know he cannot do this anymore and tomorrow (well, as I type it is today) I will call the vets and ask them to come out and make him sleep for eternity.

And you are not here, cannot be here.

So I type.

I type.

I cry and I type, the Christmas tree lights flash.

They flash on and off, on and off, like it should all be just like this. As simple as that. As accepting as that.

On, off, whatever comes, whatever goes, we should be in this and absorb it and know this and know this life lasts for a mere breath in the 'bigger picture' although it is our lifetime whilst we are here and in human body.

So the vet is coming at 1.30pm.

Tick tock, heart pounding.

Lonely and waiting.

Lonely and waiting with no you, Alex, to put your strong arms around me and make it that bit better.

Oliver who has been there for 2 months before I met you, right to our fullstop. Our place where we will be forever. He has been with me, come full circle, single, messed up me, to complete finding you, then having our family, now in Devon, living the life we must.

I have to protect you from another thing Alex, you cannot protect me anymore, and this stings particularly today.

Oliver, my best friend, how I will miss you old boy…

See you again one day xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Dear Alex, My one true love...

Dear Alex,

My man, my true love, my one true love, my lost love…

Decisions I have to make this week, and I feel the torrents of anguish striking. I barely smile through heart pains, tight chest, I know, I think what I have to decide.

I am restless. Feet pace, nerves twitch, mind races, to and fro. I cannot sit. Cannot rest physically.

10am you are picked up today to return to the Care home.

I feel guilt and self-dislike for the relief that washes over me as I make a coffee, stroke the dog and pause for a moment.

It will be a very busy week. Mind please slow. please rest, take a moment…

It races.

I put pen to paper, I have to write, it becomes so much clearer for me in ink and paper.

I met with the PCT nurse.

We talk at length.

The research I have done this weekend, the Psychological, Neurological and Scientific papers I have read online certainly have certainly helped clarify my thoughts, allay some guilt.

Your behaviour is so common after brain injury, although this does not make it better, as there is no paper that tells me 'it's ok though, it subsides' But it gives so may examples of things settling when the brain injured patient is given a strict routine, so they can be kept psychologically 'safe' and less vulnerable. Coming home, the noise, the disruption are all things you do not need now in your life. I feel I have to make a decision as to the best way forward. I feel it is hindering your progress, that you ned to stay safe, stay secure, stay in one environment, for some time, till you have moved on, hopefully and can come home, one day, for good.

I will never lose that goal or that hope.

I know something has to change.

No one, not you, not me, not the kids, benefit from you coming home and they have all been sleeping in my room and having nightmares for the nights you are there and most of the week, till I can coax them back into their beds for a few nights, when the cycle starts again…

Please God, give me wisdom, help me know, really know how to help you, Alex. What to do…

me xxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, My beautiful x

I love you…

….despite it all.

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 8 December 2013

Dear Alex, The lost dog.

The beach at dusk, Sunday blessings...

Dear Alex,

A day of reflection, deep reflection. I let myself. I don't question why I need to seek, I just seek and let my mind wander.

The afternoon sees a dog walk on the beach close to dusk. Light sets off the setting sun and shadows, bleak surroundings, but in the dunes the luscious hardy grasses and deep valleys carved by the harsh weather this beach is subject to. Toppling sand dunes, grassy edges, jumping grounds for the kids. The sea stretches as far as the eye can see, I feel like I need to learn something today. I pray to the most High and wait answers.

The dog gets lost.

In the dunes this is dangerous as he could have gone miles, I have four kids and a friend's boy with me who has severe autism, I cannot abandon them to search. I call, we all call…no sign. Fifteen minutes we search and I panic. Lola goes ahead, "I've found him!" She cries.

Awash with relief I hear his barks. He is standing far off, not moving, just looking and barking, when he hears us and sees us, he never leaves my side till we get back to the car, looking up and me and adoring me and so happy we found him.

I think long and hard about this, about that story, the significance for me.

If we were l on leads all the time, we would never be free to explore life. God does not have us on leads, we are free to explore and discover, make decisions, right or wrong, learn, be taught, follow or lead. I think of how lost I have felt recently. Wandering.

And it comes to me, maybe I should stand still?

I will be found.

Oliver stood still, and we came to him, his rescuer came to him.

Maybe I need to just stop. Wait. Hope, not moving, changing, just be still in the beauty of all that is around me for a while.

I cannot change the situation I am in now, but I can feel the beauty and blessings of provision, friends, family, I can wait, cry out, and I will be rescued.

It made sense to me today.

I captured a rare smile, a rare sweet moment of you and me on camera.

I am lost because you are not there anymore, not even in the sense you have been may times since the accident.

I need to find the right solution for you, maybe the to-ing and fro-ing again is unsettling you too much as it did once before. Maybe this is not the answer for the moment? Maybe, you need to stay put.

Maybe Oliver getting lost brought several answers to me today. As he stayed put and was rescued, maybe both you and I need to stay put. You need to stay still at the Rehab/Care place.

I will pray and reflect on this this week…

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx