Saturday, 14 December 2013

Dear Alex, A sadness.

Dear Alex,

So he has gone, my companion in your absence and best friend.

If you are not 'animal people' you cannot 'get this'.

There is a sadness in me that will never leave.

Oliver, as long as he was by my side-in whatever capacity that was, he was the happiest dog around, so proud to be with me, so loyal, so faithful.

When I was young, although I have never talked about this here, I was messed up, an eating disorder that sent me to a rehab centre, a loneliness, a worthlessness that in getting him healed me in many ways. from the day I got Oliver, to present day, he has been by my side, like my arms, my legs, something I couldn't do without, someone who was a presence, a begin that loved me despite… a presence that gave me 'agape'- selfless love.

I have to tell you Alex, about Oliver parting, because, as a person now, I cannot hide a thing. I cannot lie, pretend, I am just who I am. I don't ever want to hurt, but if I feel something, I will tell the truth, because life is short and I feel it in my bones, and it makes me me, it makes me who I am, I am truthful, honest and will tell you how it is. It may not be a good thing, it may not be the right thing, but it is why and who I am now…

Oliver leaving this world is an experience I will never forget.

We get in from the last school run, all of us, all together, and I know… I know I have to call the vets. But I collapse in agonising tears. I can't breathe.

I pray, ask for some kind of strength to get through this, I wail.

I pull myself together, but sob down the phone, the vet can barely understand me. They confirm they will be with me after lunch.

I take Oliver for his last beach walk ever with my friend and her dog. I don't feel strong enough to go alone. Because I feel your absence Alex, lack your comfort, your words, your cuddles. And this situation has made me see how not having you here in the capacity I need you, I cannot depend on you, and my God how I need that right now.

It was a beautiful walk, I lift him back up into the car, we return, and now we have to wait. An agonising two hours. I lie next to Oliver, stroking him behind his ears, his favourite thing. Thanking him for who he had been to me and what he had done for us, and how much we all loved him. ANd I didn't bother to stop the tears.

As I still can't three days on.

He lay in my arms, cuddled his head into me as he went to sleep forever. I felt him go. An intense heat rose through me, almost burning, but comforting and strengthening, then I went cold. His energy passed through me as he went. Wanting to let me know we would always be connected.

I have to tell you tomorrow Alex.

I cannot hide it.

It's been a week of sorrow and heartache and I am broken.

me xxxxxxxxxxx

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