Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Dear Alex, So Proud of Our Son...

Desperate to get in the water, he is his Father's son…

Our friend took him out.

It should have been you.

Me xxxxxxxxx

Monday, 12 May 2014

Dear Alex, Is This the End?

Dear Alex,

I am not sure where this blog is going anymore.

I am not finding it gives me what it always has done.

A cathartic way of expending energies I cannot articulate to you.

An evening space.

Tears shed as I share with you in the only way I can.

I feel it is coming to the end.

I have so many other areas I need to be focussing my energies.

Other areas I want to focus on, Making Waves for You as a Charity, the kids are rapidly growing and do so many clubs these days, commitments and less time than ever.

I visit you everyday, bar one or two. That will never change.

I miss you as much as I always have and always will.

But maybe I don't need 'this' space anymore to talk to you.

I feel I have nothing to say.

And that, then, makes me think that maybe that in itself is telling me something?

I just need to be, do, live, accept for a while?

That I cannot place my thoughts here, they belong with me and me only?

Maybe this is the end?

I am not 'feeling' my blog anymore.

I will have to see.

I will have to think.

I have been feeling this way for some time now.

I will maybe move on from this, move away from it, focus on other things?

I will continue to write to you privately.

Maybe I just a break from it.


See you in the morning angel,

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 11 May 2014

Dear Alex, Everything Changes.

Dear Alex,

Living two lives is how I live at the moment. With you not even having day trips home (although I hope this is soon to change) I have my life up with you, visiting you, privately wanting you and missing you, and a life where I put a big smile on my face, socialise, a life completely separate to you.

It has become more and more this way, it has become my coping mechanism.

It allows me to deal with a life outside you. A life where I am a single mum of four. A life where I have friends over, I plan activities with other families. I do it without you.

I feel you are on a more even keel, it has the effect of making me so too.

When I come to see you, you just cling onto me, kissing me, telling me how much you love me, I cherish this Alex.

Although I know I have a very different you now.

It is strange how everything is different. So different. In a way I could never have been prepared for, a way I never thought I would be capable of dealing with.

I almost feel completely detached from any sense of pain at the moment. Then it changes in an instant and I am back to square one, then I have to find soothing I am grateful, to offer up thanks and praise for, and I watch our babies, listen to their chatter, witness their smiles and little ways, and I bring myself back to coping again.

The brain damage has meant that you have no motivation to change anything, be any different. It is all done 'to' you. You participate, progress, but you have had your main personality trait eradicated by the haemorrhage … your determination and motivation.

I am trying to understand this at the moment and come to terms with an Alex that I didn't know when we got together.

An Alex that is the new Alex, yet not the man I once met.

I will see you in the morning, and keep trying to be your motivation for you…

I love you honey,

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx