Saturday, 11 January 2014

Dear Alex, In the crook of my arm.

Dear Alex,

Betsy, Our puppy, came to us, 10 days ago now. She was sad, lonely, having lived in a garage on her own for a month or so. She didn't know how to play, what it even was. She didn't understand love, ran with her tail between her legs and ears pinned back when we approached her for cuddles. Scared, un-inquisitive, tail tucked between her little puppy legs always.

Today I look at her charging around with a toilet roll, laying her head on my lap, whining when the kids are not around.

Today I look at a puppy who plays, explores, loves and loves to be loved.

Today I look at a puppy who hates being without us, and therefore never is, taking Oliver's place and coming everywhere with us.

It has been a radical turn-around, a blessing to be witness to, and we love her as she loves us.

It is remarkable what love can do, how it can heal, re-energise, make something almost dead live again.

Gratitude and love fill me as I sit, quietly now, kids in bed, finally, puppy at my side making typing hard with her head nuzzled in the crook of my arm.

It is there I hold you too, in the protective crook of my arm. As I strive to fulfil many roles, and fail at nearly all...

Our trip to you today took 3 hours there and back, a long way on the kids' weekend. But as I explain to them, we are a family, families work together, as teams, and we all need to hold you.

They are older now. At first I was responsible for protecting them, taking it all on. Yet now, as they grow and you have not miraculously returned to us as we all hoped, this is now our life and we have to live it the best we can...My talks with them have changed, I talk now, to them, about responsibility and team-manship. About the healing love can bring, patience and compassion and how we need to think above our needs and wants, and be there for you...

It was good for the first hour-and-a-half, then you became agitated and it didn't stop. In these circumstances I have to follow what the professionals think, I have to still protect the kids, and half-an-hour of this sees me getting the kids into the car and going back in to chat to the Matron.

She is warm, patient, and encourages me to leave you to them. My anxieties, tears, she understands and I leave, again sad.

I wipe tears, sing loudly to music on the radio with the kids and cook them vegetarian Bolognese when we get home.

I see to them. I immerse myself in their love, their wonderful soul smiles and their innocence and acceptance.

I love you, Alex, I love them, and I will you on continually, and always will.....

me xxxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Dear Alex, To soak up the tears.

Dear Alex,

Illuminated church in the distance, no other light around except the headlights on full. An owl swoops low, in front of the car, I see it through the rain charging at the windscreen and windscreen wipers flick to and fro.

It is 8.30pm, we are still not home. Four wonderful, smiling, chatty kids, one strokes my arm and tells me I am the best mum in the world, one chats about his favourite planet, another about why hey want to live on the moon and the other says they miss Oliver and has a tummy ache...and my heart warms through more pain and a difficult time seeing you.

It takes and hour and a half to get to you, it's a long drive. ANd you shouted, endlessly the same things and kicked so hard you snapped the foot pedal clean off your new wheel chair...

"I'm not blind, I am fine, I am OK, there is nothing wrong with me, I never had an accident, look at me, I am fine, I am not blind..."

This is all you said for the hour or so we were there. What this shows, I do not know? Denial? Understanding? As for the first time it was you who mentioned the accident, not asking 'what happened to me?' But saying you hadn't had an accident.

I gave up in the end, I couldn't be anything for you, not a comfort, not an anything, and so I decided to be what I can be, a mummy, and I took my babies home.

I cannot help my tears as we leave, the weight had to try and evacuate somehow.

I concentrate my mind on the kids, their laughter and eager chatter in the car and tell them I am the luckiest mummy in the world to have them. When they ask why I am crying, I tell them I miss you, that it is hard seeing you like that, that I just wish you were OK, and that crying a bit makes me feel better, and I thank them for being concerned for me.

I need to pull myself back again, tonight was so, so hard.

I will remember the light I saw today, the rainbow, faint against a grey raining sky, the coral outlines around the clouds with a day finishing, the kids' smiles, the kind words of the nurse there, the wonderful treasures I gained in just today, and breathe out the sad time with you...In the hope these soak up some of my tears.

me xxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Dear Alex, Shock news!

Dear Alex,

Drinking in light, noticing it everywhere I can, I am making 'light' and 'healing' these words as my mantra and focus through all this year. Through the dark times, the distressing moments, through bad news or good, just focussing and adjusting my mind and eyes to this.

Tonight I look out at rainy skies, peachy clouds in between the layers of grey and rain-and this is an affirmation to me, seeking light through all, whether it shines and blazes or glimmers gently and faint, I am there with it.

My friend hands to me a while ago a meditation/prayer book. I finally opened it today. The focus for January is 'light'! And I know I am on the right track...

At 8am amidst the 'mum, where are my shoes?' 'Have you got water and fruit?' 'Well, quickly, quick, do your homework now, you've got 7 minutes...!' and Betsie the puppy weeing on the floors and mopping and finding a 'pair' of socks and book bags and knee high in porridge and weetabix spilt and downing a luke warm mug of tea, I receive a phone call from the Care Home you are in. There has been a cancellation in the Exeter Centre for Re-enablement and you are off today!

This is exciting, nerve-racking, I don't think you understand enough yet what all this entails... So I picture you, your preparation and envisage healing light around you and pray to the Most High to carry you through this.

Through 8 phone calls from you since you arrived at 4 o'clock, your distress and wailing and not listening to me, I start to slip down the path of distress and despair for you. So I stop, deliberately, sit on the edge of my bed, hands in front of me and I pray. I focus that light, shining bright and silver and white surrounding you, it lifts me and it is all I can do.

I pray for your healing, your sight to return everyday, but I want to change the way I pray and meditate, I want to see it as happening, not a desperate begging of uncertainty. I want to visualise what I want for you and send it to you in my physical absence.

I am about to ring and speak to the night duty nurse and see if you have been able to settle, and oh God, please let him settle, please let this be a success, you have 4 weeks there, and if you do well, maybe even need to adjust so quickly to make this work. This IS possible with strength being sent to you and peace form the Most High.

I pray for this my angel...2014, this is YOUR year, I am certain of this.

I will see you tomorrow, it's an hour and 15 minutes to get to you, so I cannot stay long, but I will be there, I promise...

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

Dear Alex, Look!

A great picture at the start of 2014!

Let's compare it this time next year honey!

love you xxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 6 January 2014

Dear Alex, Don't hold a glass over the fire.

Dear Alex,

"Don't hold a glass over the fire"

This lyric I picked up on in the song I was listening to was my food for thought today- I wondered what areas of my life I may be holding a glass over, consciously or otherwise?

A fire needs air, to be encouraged, not stifled. I intend to do this in every way with you. I would like to focus on art, your right hand shakes so much you cannot control a pen, so I want to help your hand, guide it, draw and paint with your fingers. Hydrotherapy is another focus of mine, although until I know you when you are in the Intensive rehab centre, I cannot make concrete plans.

Lights throw up patterns upon the wall above the bed where we should both be...I still do not hold this dream within my sights, I still mourn this every night. I have to focus on the light though, as light gives out light, it penetrates and I have been privileged to witness myriad examples of this today-from misty morning sunrising over fields which dip and rise for miles ahead of me, sun streaking and discovering what it can touch with it's beams. Lights as stars in the night sky, fairy lights twinkling...And the rainbows I have seen down here, never have seen as many anywhere I have ever lived before.

Yes, I can focus on the shadow, the parts the light had not reached, but then I would miss the beauty of the light.

I am concentrating my gaze and thoughts on light and healing for you, for all of us.

2014, I embrace you as a year and can't help feel a twinkle of excitement in my sadness that good things and far more healing are afoot...

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 5 January 2014

Dear Alex, Steadying myself.

Dear Alex,

New Year's resolutions to uphold, and it all starts when the kids go back to school tomorrow. The holidays have been a tonic, a wonderful time spent seeing family, friends and time away with the kids, just me, them and friends. THeir smiles, their giggles, their late nights and too much chocolate and spoiling them rotten and how I shall miss their faces when they are back at school tomorrow.

Betsie we picked up on Thursday, a 5 hour drive away. She didn't greet us, nor bark, nor move when we picked her up, but the lady who we got her from assured us she was just timid. Arriving back late, she again, did not move. slumped, breathing quickly and I didn't know whether this was normal or a dog distressed or something to be very concerned about. After a couple of trips to the vets and a high temperature but no known cause discovered, the antibiotics have kicked in. She is gentle soul, in need of love, and lots of it. She is starting to explore, but only a few metres from her bed. She has also started to whimper when the kids go into a different room, waging her tail when they come back to her... It is amazing to see the difference and we love her already.

I feel so positive about this New year. ALthough my position is no different to last year, the many blessings and achievements I am allowing myself to absorb.

Like a brick in water, place it in a bucket of water and just the outside will be wet. But leave it in there and the water will soak in-this is what I plan to do with love and gratitude and letting everything go.

I cannot grow if I do not focus just on the day in front of me. So I will focus myself each day at a time and fill my day with moments of gratitude and thanks and praise.

Dog walking, Yoga, visiting friends and friends visiting now we are so settled.

And I am determined to let go of emotional things that have crippled me for so long. Though this is the hardest of all the things I have set myself to do, I am stubborn and determined so have the will!

I think this will be the year for you too Alex, to excel in all you put your mind to. The difference from even a week or so ago when you ring me, to today when I spoke to you. Your voice clear, your understanding and the way you put things was just a bit different, I cannot put my finger on it, but it was you expressing things with a bit more insight. And I had a glow inside me...

This year your glow inside you will take over and healing is in store for you this year, I feel it.

I start the year feeling good, positive and will deal with things as they happen to me level headed and walk slowly through them, not trying to avoid or crash through them, just steady myself.

me xxxxxxxxx