Friday, 9 August 2013

Dear Alex, The Wedding.

Dear Alex,

I feel overwhelmed, out of my depth, I'm not very brave in situations that aren't just a part of routine for me.

I'm in Devon overnight for my beautiful cousin's wedding. I'm staying with wonderfully kind friends of my Uncle and Aunt who have put me, the kids and the dog up for the night!

Whether its the fact it's a wedding, and I'm not at all sure I will make it through those vows. The reminder of where we were, so filled with love and youth and dreams and expectations, happiness, health...what that vow means 'in sickness and in health' what it really and truly means...forever, for life, not for a few years, not 'until it gets too tough', the 'for it all, through it all, regardless and despite'.

I feel so stripped back, so raw with emotion, selfish, this is not about me!! But mostly raw and vulnerable. What it actually means that you are not a husband by my side. Because really, as well as you know me, or whether you don't, I may come across smiley and confident, but deep down I look around my soul for you, search for you endlessly, wait for you for eternity to join me and hold my hand. I feel scared, shy, vulnerable and I just do a good job at hiding that, the internal panic at being without you. I don't think I will get used to this life. 

In every social situation, it's just me and those joyful, innocent kids of ours. The 'what does your husband do?' Questions, and the, well did you really expect the answer I gave you?! The being 'just me', too often, too much, for too long now...

Packing the car up for the journey, taking the car to the garage, the logistics the practicalities and the lifting of suitcases, dog, kids, the filling up with fuel, of organising days out, nights away for me and the kids, the being a mummy who does all the daddy jobs too...

It has kind of hit me these past few days. And I have been pretty tearful. I feel like running away and crying.

I love what we have, what we have held onto, what makes us, 'us', but I miss being hung and free with you, living just an easy, different, plain life! Just waking up together, making a decision about the day together, raising our kids together, discussing things together. I just miss being together as we once were.

I do ok, I love you, you love me, I get on with it, I smile, I laugh a lot, we laugh a lot, but it's so very different. I don't fell like we are young anymore, and we are only in our thirties!

I don't know how I will swallow the lump in my throat tomorrow as I watch the wedding vows. Knowing, just knowing what we live. And just hearing them, it just sends something deeply subliminal, deeply buried searing to the surface and tears just spill...

Anyway, it's been a long day, a long drive, I'm tired, I'm looking forward to the wedding, I feel selfish it has the sad side it does for me...

Love you angel, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Dear Alex, 'Why are you still with me?'

8th August 2013

Dear Alex,

As we approach 'move date', although there is not much concrete, many things still up in the air, the approximate one is there, and there is an endless amount to do, numerous people I want to see before we go, mental preparation is just not happening!

I cannot prepare.

Maybe a good thing, because as prepared as I can be, no doubt, it will be completely different!

I am mainly excited, part living in trepidation- What if this doesn't work for you? What if it is like last time and I have to make a soul destroying decision? Because if it doesn't work now, it never will. Will the kids be ok? Affected...forever, irreparably? Feel let down by me as I will have less time for them? Will they feel abandoned? We have been all together, those kids of ours and me, in such a tight little unit for nearly 2 years. I have wrapped them up in single mummydom parenting. I have wrapped them up and got it wrong, got it right, laughed, cried, shouted, apologised and we have just done, done it all together through thick and thin.

Will I feel invaded? Will I cope? Will I be alright? Because this WHOLE thing hinges on me...only me.

And I have to cope, I HAVE to be alright. I HAVE to do this.

This part now right ahead infront of me, packing the house, making sure kids do kid holiday activities, seeing friends to say farewell, the logistics, care plans/risk assessments for you. Locating professionals, physio, OT, speech therapy, and other therapies I want to get you involved with. Support groups for the kids-schools, make all aware of the situation. Find new carers, go through it all with them, those who you may not gel with, those who you will do.

The unsettling times ahead...the exciting times? Ahead.

Missing friends, starting afresh...

My head is a jumble of a 'to do list' that I can not make head nor tail of!

So falling into bed at 1am, being woken several times by a child kicking me in bed, and abandoning thoughts of sleep around 5.30am...I just can't, my head! Is about all I can hope for sleep wise at te moment!

I come to see you today and, oh,  your smile! How my heart melts each time. How I smile back, a bigger smile I have not smiled all day! Your laugh, your wit, our time together.

And the questions you asked me, it is so exhilarating to be with you, to see you trying to make sense of your world. Saying to me 'talk me through again what happened to me' (you used 'again' this means you had retained a bit of information!) telling me you feel 'mental at the moment'. That you are unsure of why you are like you are. .. And that's not just it,

Today, today you said to me 'I am sorry, so sorry' you kept repeating it and broke down. I tell you 'but you have nothing to be sorry for! It is NOT your fault, you didn't choose this!' And I kiss you and kiss you some more and wipe your tears. After a while you point at me, 'why are you still with me? I don't understand, you're beautiful...' I suppress a sob. I gulp hard. I suppose I am shocked you would wonder that? Why would I not be?

I have never heard you question why I am with you. I turn it into something light- I usually do, I say, because someone is paying me! You manage a laugh. Then I tell you the truth, I say, 'I am with you because you are and will always be my life, my love, my best friend and my soul mate- nothing has or can or will ever change that, I just love you Alex Wood, and that's why..'

But my angel, it is also because there is no one in this world who inspires me like you do, who gives me strength, who has taught me everything about me, made me into who I am. There is no one who loves me more, noone who I love more. You have taught me a million years worth of lessons, the biggest what true love means. What perseverance, endurance, resilience and most of all how love can heal...

....And you are healing...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx