Saturday, 22 June 2013

Dear Everyone, Brilliance in Blogging... Britmums Live! The awards...

What a night I had! London the venue, 500 bloggers and what a night to remember...full of incredible bloggers that I admire. People and a community of people who have been there to shout with me, cry with me, sell makingwavesforalex T shirts for ladies rock.

My category 'Inspire' comes up and I look at the girl who should and I expect to win, barely able to make eye contact knowing her tragic story (Jenny who blogs at Edspire) and knowing she is my winner. Then I hear my name and I cannot go up. On stage in front of 500 pairs of eyes on me. And I'm there because of what happened to you and bitter sweet tears  poured, and I couldn't speak...I was astonished, had not planned a 'thank you' speech as I did not for one second expect to win.

So here's the biggest thank you now to everyone who voted and has supported me and sent me messages and thinks of me, because you hold me up when times are unimaginably hard and I am so touched, so astonished. Above all so grateful.

Thank you!!!

From a very overwhelmed me xxxxxx

Thursday, 20 June 2013

Dear Alex, I would be...

20th June 2013

Dear Alex,

Twenty one months (almost) it has been.

Twenty one months of learning to cope with the unthinkable.

Of watching you kept alive by a machine, your life for 15 1/2 weeks on computer screens.

Of fighting MPs, government, state, and keeping us all going. Of fundraising and challenges and an ever invaded relationship, no more 'you and me'. Of extreme lows that I fought to come through for our four children. Of singlehandedly, bloodminedly determining myself and walking steady through insurmountable storms. Of counselling the kids, being their everything. Of parenting singlehandedly, running 5 lives and quashing morning anguish by finding 5 things to offer up thanks and praise to the Most High for before rising to face another day...

Just me.

I feel heavy tonight.

Tomorrow I am going to Britmums opportunity, an occasion I will relish.

Though I keep my head and my emotions most days now, after I say 'hi, yeah I'm good thanks, you?' I blink back tears and swallow down the fact I am in a rush again, to get our beautiful souls to school again, all routines by myself, to race off in the car to see you, never knowing what to expect.

Tomorrow is a day of meeting people, putting names to faces, meeting some of the people I admire.

And all the time you won't know why I am not with you, won't remember what tomorrow means to me, won't take in or remember any of the details I will share with you when I come back in to visit you.

I call at 9.30 every morning to let you know I am in my way, catch up with how 'get up' time has been. Arriving with you around 10.30. I call every night at 7.30 to say goodnight, that you're safe and to sleep well and I will be in in the morning again, as soon as the school run is over.

To love you, calm you, help you and facilitate ways for you to communicate, practising speech therapy, steadying hand and arm to try and form letters on a paper. Helping you feed yourself or trying to lift your spirits, make you laugh. Whatever you need me for, I am there...

To melt into your arms, if you let me near you...

People's lives tick on, 'it's almost 2 years now, she seems to be dealing with it fine' and I walk a lonely path.

I am blessed with friends, messages, emails, inspiring words or prayers people send, it balms, slightly, the constant ache.

Because Alex, you see, tomorrow I am up for an award in the category 'Inspire'... But it's bitter sweet, I wouldn't be there if I still had you.

I would be anonymous, happy, and have you at home to watch the kids as I went on a little 'mummy day out'.

I would be anonymous, happy, and I would still have you.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Dear Lola, Eight years old today!

18th June 2013

Dear Lola,

EIGHT! Eight years old, and my wonderful angel how you grow.

Stars twinkle in your eyes when they look at me, I love how you still love to hold me tight, hold my hand every time we are out.

The Most High has blessed me to be responsible for a child like you, so loving and giving, so generous of heart.

The path you walk as a child is an unusual one, no dad around as such, a mum who sometimes gets very upset and cries. you are always there to give me a hug, ask me gently in your inimitable childlike way 'what's up?' As I explain that sometimes it's just the way things are, sometimes I miss your daddy lots and lots and lots, you cuddle me more and my tears I wipe, thank you for making me feel better with a cuddle.

I am immensely proud of you, Lola Grace, for who you are, who you are becoming and your naive love that fills me with a new inspired way of looking at things more simply, accepting life through a child's eyes such as yours. you teach me, and I learn from you, just the essence of your character and person, and you do not even know it.

Your patience, acceptance and understanding of dad, the way you are with him is incredible. I am in awe of your innocence and I am sorry I am so complex, that life as you grow becomes more complex. Inexplicable things happen, inexplicable sadness that I draw myself through. But the fact I have you, your sisters and your brother has saved me from sinking ever, too low, too far.

Because above all else, I am your mum. I will always remain steadfast and I will always cherish you.

Thank you for teaching me things through your love and devotion. A child like you I am blessed to behold.

And now you even make me a cup of tea and bring it to me in the morning! A dream come true for me! SOmeone to bring me tea- and you know what? I never even asked, you just thought of me and one day brought me a cup of tea up in bed. This is how much you think of others without doing it for their gratitude, it just pleases you, speaking volumes of who you are.

Your love of making things, of all things art. Of cooking, playing and looking after others.

Your love of nurturing things, whether it be snails, worms, a hedgehog, you cherish nurturing and with this as an instinct, you will flourish at all you do.

Don't ever be beaten, someone such as you is a shining light to those around.

You will no doubt come across situations in life you can do nothing about, frustrations, sadness. But hold that beautiful blue eyed, blond haired head up of yours, take a deep breath and know who you are Lola,

Someone others will look up to, someone who will always look out for others over and above their self.

You are strong, although I don't know that you know that. But through what you have already gone through, still go through, you are strong, independent and one of life's angels without knowing it.

You're one of my four angels who carry me on child's angel wings.

I am so proud, and watching you grow is a dream come true for me.

I promise to be there for you, whenever you need me.

I promise to be there to carry, help and hold.

I promise to say 'I'm sorry' Even if I do not know what I have done, I will respect you always enough to listen.

Don't change, not even your sometimes intolerant stubbornness!

Keep being strong, keep that big heart full of what it is full of now- love, tenderness, compassion and simple joy.

I love you Lola Grace to the moon and round it and sky high and back again, and I DO love you more than you love me!!

So much love, forever,

Happy Birthday tchoupinette!

Your mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 17 June 2013

Dear Alex, The Peacock.

18th June 2013

Dear Alex,

After horrendous reports on how you had been in the morning, I was expecting you at your worst again. Nobody had been able to come near you to get you out of bed. You hand is swollen and purple, your elbow and your foot and ankle too... You literally, from head to foot, are covered in signs of your trying to escape this hellish nightmare that is so very real.

And dear God I pray for peace as I feel you are desperately trying to make sense of it all.

You're in bed calm and resting when I arrive. I curl up beside you and kiss you, nusling into your arm, my cheek against yours and you smile your amazing smile.

... Like a huge round boulder in its form, I see darkness, but above it and through it pockets of bright silver light stream and it penetrates most powerfully through the dusty darkness, darkness seems to dissolve as I focus on the light, I watch the darkness and realise if I focus on that, the light fades, so I focus again on the light which continues to banish the dark, dissolving it as though its nothing but dust. The bright light has almost dissolved all the darkness, and it feels like a healing cleansing, pure light. Then I look to the left, a bright royal blue peacock, the most majestic and beautiful peacock glides past, I watch it and am aware of how in awe of it I am. Wondering what it is? What it represents, it feels like a king.

Someone knocks on the door and I realise we have been asleep almost 2 hours!

I feel the explanation for my dream needs to be researched, knowing it meant something. I think the light is divine light, light from the Most High, and if I continue to focus on this, it will dissolve our troubles, our anguish like dust, but if I focus solely on the dark, it overwhelms... The peacock represents majesty, often peacocks are seen in original nativity scenes, and it was a message to say the Most High is very real and very involved in this. That He is present and I have to follow...

Peacocks' feathers (of which the kids just the other week found several on the street a few weeks ago, there are no peacocks around here!) represent new life as the old feathers fall out every year and new more brilliant, beautiful ones replace them each year, a sign of renewal, which is a word the peacock symbolises.

So that word patience arises very profoundly again.

To see you as calm and happy as you were when I came in was a surprise and a relief.

My dream was dreamed as I was in your arms, and was an extremely relevant one...

Let's just keep holding out, hoping this is just a phase as I continue to pray for peace for you and acceptance, so that you may move forward.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 16 June 2013

Dear Alex, Father's Day.

15 June 2013

A happy visit with dadda.

Dear Alex,

Seasons pass, skies fill with bulbous clouds, my journeys to you have begun again and nature becomes again a source of inspiration and courage.

The 'day-by-day' mantra that I hate reigns. I see it just has to be this way, this, quite literally, is the only way to get through this. Because you see, to think ahead, to plan, I have not that luxury. If I think even of a few days ahead I cannot cope, so much unknown swirls around, I cannot see. So when I take the kids today to see you and you seem tired but calm, I smile and fall into your arms loving you and thanking God that even though we go through all we do that sometimes the sun comes out. Occasions like today when you speak quite clearly and kiss me and bask in the presence of the kids, it tips the scales and yesterday, a terrible day of cries and uncontrollable anger and hitting out and indecipherable requests, frustrations, washes away in one good visit.

No you can't come home, no, I don't know when you can, yes your constant request to come home and when are you coming home and let me see my kids tear out my heart, but when you were home it was too much for you, you seemed worse. And my angel, you know I have to protect these kids of ours, so for now, I know this is what has to happen.

And I have to have patience, because my goal of having you home has not shifted. And I know some day it will happen. I have to hold on to this.

Maybe all this, this angst and hurt and seemingly endless pain, maybe this period of time is the process of you being so aware of your situation and accepting it...? Who knows.

The first thing you say to me when I come in today, you seem desperate to communicate it, you are pointing to your head and saying 'it's all here, everything still'

I know it is, I think sometimes due to the brain damage you become confused and lost, unable to process everything as you need to or as someone without a brain injury can. But this desperate need to communicate the fact that 'it's all here, everything still, in my head' shows me how at times it is all still in there.

A simple sentence from you which fills me with hope again.

One day at a time my angel.

Happy Father's Day, your kids love you so very, very much...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx