Thursday, 9 July 2015
It has been a while, although I continue to visit you virtually everyday, I just felt like I needed to write, although I still feel the need for time and personal space... I won't be writing again...I take a day off a week as I need to to be 'me' too... I am training to be a Nutritional Therapist- I shall be qualified in a few months....I need to be able to provide for our children and you... I think you would be very proud of me Alex....I hope...
However there have been several people who have inquired as to how you are now... and how are you?
The life I lead now is blessed, filled with new friends (we have lived in Devon now for almost two years) new adventures in discovering the beauty and adventure of where we now live...
You always drove, everywhere! I was useless at that, discovering anywhere, calculating routes, finding new places...it was all down to you... I do all this now.. out of necessity and with you in the back of my mind driving me forward in our new existence.
I came here, four kids in tow, with a view to integrating you into our lives... and yet, as it has turned out, you still are an hour's drive away... two of the kids get car sick on most journeys, I come in every day bar one, you come home every Tuesday ...
The morning school run, the shoe fairy that finds her life hilarious in hiding the kids' shoes most mornings... the dog who sprints out the door greeting our neighbours and the people she is not afraid of (as a rescue dog, she hates men, it takes many sausages to bribe her back to us...) the cats that have apparently never been fed in their lives, imploring us for food at every verse end... the book bags that sneak out on foot in the night and give themselves up to the rain in the middle of the night, so all internal important school books are ruined.... the mummy that springs out of bed after pressing 'snooze' 17 times.. because f*ck mummy's got up SOOO late...donning running gear (yes, I've begun that before going to see you) and cooking porridge, mopping up weetabix and urging children to get in school clothes, although these days, I try and negate certain morning battles by assuring them it's just ok to go to school in pyjamas... I' am literally beyond caring!
They really are all in such different places Alex, Esmie, the one who pushes me, tests me, questions me, tries to control everything out of fear I will leave too, as in her mind you did... sleeps, still, in my bed every night...the anger she instills in me, I try to quash, leave somewhere else, 'smile' through... because in reality I want to let her run to school by herself...I've not known a child of ours' like her...reading is her thing, we read together at night, she insists on reading the long words, because she wants to tell her daddy what she has done...She was just 3-years-old when you 'went'...
Mitzi, a gymnast, naturally, pushes herself physically, reminding me of you .. you always had her down as the next womens' champion surfer...! She needs love, reassurance, acceptance and reminding she is who she is, as she falters, needs my reassurance...she is blessed, wonderful, caring, beautiful and unique... my goodness how she misses her dadda though...
Lola, into baking, seizing life, yet scared of so many things. Not one for a competition or a conflict, I spend my time with her discussing how feelings are just part of being...it's ok to feel disappointment, loss, fear....baby, she focuses a lot on the negative, so I speak most evenings and mornings to her about remembering to smile, believing in the positive, thinking of things she is grateful for- a negative spiral can hit us all, we just need to 'be' with it, breathe .. and remember the beauty in our lives... as a daddy's girl she feels very lost without you...
Monty is excelling, he is responsible, nurturing, caring and unbelievably affectionate... it's almost like I worry he is 'too' ok... yet I have worries about them all....His SATs results were outstanding...he loves surfing, he is joining the sailng club in September and adores his football... he is growing up into a young man anyone would be proud of... He is off to Secondry school in September...He was a 7-year-old boy when you had your accident, he is nearly 12 now... the things you would be doing with him, the 'firsts' you and he would be reveling in... my heart splits in two for the both of you...
When I visit you,
You kiss me, you tell me you love me, you put a shaky arm around me, you light up...
This is all...
This is all you are,
All you have....
You are gone...
You have gone...
But I will fight continually for you to be a part of your family...
I love you still, I love you forever, I love you differently...very differently now my angel
You are lost, gone from this life...
Your speech is so difficult to understand and monotonous...
But that's OK,
I will be here for you...forever...
Walk beside you for an eternity...
Posted by Manic Mum at 22:17
Tuesday, 13 May 2014
Monday, 12 May 2014
I am not sure where this blog is going anymore.
I am not finding it gives me what it always has done.
A cathartic way of expending energies I cannot articulate to you.
An evening space.
Tears shed as I share with you in the only way I can.
I feel it is coming to the end.
I have so many other areas I need to be focussing my energies.
Other areas I want to focus on, Making Waves for You as a Charity, the kids are rapidly growing and do so many clubs these days, commitments and less time than ever.
I visit you everyday, bar one or two. That will never change.
I miss you as much as I always have and always will.
But maybe I don't need 'this' space anymore to talk to you.
I feel I have nothing to say.
And that, then, makes me think that maybe that in itself is telling me something?
I just need to be, do, live, accept for a while?
That I cannot place my thoughts here, they belong with me and me only?
Maybe this is the end?
I am not 'feeling' my blog anymore.
I will have to see.
I will have to think.
I have been feeling this way for some time now.
I will maybe move on from this, move away from it, focus on other things?
I will continue to write to you privately.
Maybe I just a break from it.
See you in the morning angel,
Posted by Manic Mum at 21:04
Sunday, 11 May 2014
Living two lives is how I live at the moment. With you not even having day trips home (although I hope this is soon to change) I have my life up with you, visiting you, privately wanting you and missing you, and a life where I put a big smile on my face, socialise, a life completely separate to you.
It has become more and more this way, it has become my coping mechanism.
It allows me to deal with a life outside you. A life where I am a single mum of four. A life where I have friends over, I plan activities with other families. I do it without you.
I feel you are on a more even keel, it has the effect of making me so too.
When I come to see you, you just cling onto me, kissing me, telling me how much you love me, I cherish this Alex.
Although I know I have a very different you now.
It is strange how everything is different. So different. In a way I could never have been prepared for, a way I never thought I would be capable of dealing with.
I almost feel completely detached from any sense of pain at the moment. Then it changes in an instant and I am back to square one, then I have to find soothing I am grateful, to offer up thanks and praise for, and I watch our babies, listen to their chatter, witness their smiles and little ways, and I bring myself back to coping again.
The brain damage has meant that you have no motivation to change anything, be any different. It is all done 'to' you. You participate, progress, but you have had your main personality trait eradicated by the haemorrhage … your determination and motivation.
I am trying to understand this at the moment and come to terms with an Alex that I didn't know when we got together.
An Alex that is the new Alex, yet not the man I once met.
I will see you in the morning, and keep trying to be your motivation for you…
I love you honey,
Posted by Manic Mum at 21:01