Dear Alex, A long awaited update....

Dear Alex,

It has been a while, although I continue to visit you virtually everyday, I just felt like I needed to write, although I still feel the need for time and personal space... I won't be writing again...I take a day off a week as I need to to be 'me' too... I am training to be a  Nutritional Therapist- I shall be qualified in a few months....I need to be able to provide for our children and you... I think you would be very proud of me Alex....I hope...

However there have been several people who have inquired as to how you are now... and how are you?

The life I lead now is blessed, filled with new friends (we have lived in Devon now for almost two years) new adventures in discovering the beauty and adventure of where we now live...

You always drove, everywhere! I was useless at that, discovering anywhere, calculating routes, finding new places...it was all down to you... I do all this now.. out of necessity and with you in the back of my mind driving me forward in our new existence.
I came here, four kids in tow, with a view to integrating you into our lives... and yet, as it has turned out, you still are an hour's drive away... two of the kids get car sick on most journeys, I come in every day bar one, you come home every Tuesday ...

The morning school run, the shoe fairy that finds her life hilarious in hiding the kids' shoes most mornings... the dog who sprints out the door greeting our neighbours and the people she is not afraid of (as a rescue dog, she hates men, it takes many sausages to bribe her back to us...) the cats that have apparently never been fed in their lives, imploring us for food at every verse end... the book bags that sneak out on foot in the night and give themselves up to the rain in the middle of the night, so all internal important school books are ruined.... the mummy that springs out of bed after pressing 'snooze' 17 times.. because f*ck mummy's got up SOOO late...donning running gear (yes, I've begun that before going to see you) and cooking porridge, mopping up weetabix and urging children to get in school clothes, although these days, I try and negate certain morning battles by assuring them it's just ok to go to school in pyjamas... I' am literally beyond caring!

They really are all in such different places Alex, Esmie, the one who pushes me, tests me, questions me, tries to control everything out of fear I will leave too, as in her mind you did... sleeps, still, in my bed every night...the anger she instills in me, I try to quash, leave somewhere else, 'smile' through... because in reality I want to let her run to school by herself...I've not known a child of ours' like her...reading is her thing, we read together at night, she insists on reading the long words, because she wants to tell her daddy what she has done...She was just 3-years-old when you 'went'...
 
Mitzi, a gymnast, naturally, pushes herself physically, reminding me of you .. you always had her down as the next womens' champion surfer...! She needs love, reassurance, acceptance and reminding she is who she is, as she falters, needs my reassurance...she is blessed, wonderful, caring, beautiful and unique... my goodness how she misses her dadda though...

Lola, into baking, seizing life, yet scared of so many things. Not one for a competition or a conflict, I spend my time with her discussing how feelings are just part of being...it's ok to feel disappointment, loss, fear....baby, she focuses a lot on the negative, so I speak most evenings and mornings to her about remembering to smile, believing in the positive, thinking of things she is grateful for- a negative spiral can hit us all, we just need to 'be' with it, breathe .. and remember the beauty in our lives... as a daddy's girl she feels very lost without you...

Monty is excelling, he is responsible, nurturing, caring and unbelievably affectionate... it's almost like I worry he is 'too' ok... yet I have worries about them all....His SATs results were outstanding...he loves surfing, he is joining the sailng club in September and adores his football... he is growing up into a young man anyone would be proud of... He is off to Secondry school in September...He was a 7-year-old boy when you had your accident, he is nearly 12 now... the things you would be doing with him, the 'firsts' you and he would be reveling in... my heart splits in two for the both of you...

When I visit you,

You kiss me, you tell me you love me, you put a shaky arm around me, you light up...

This is all...

This is all you are,

All you have....

You are gone...

You have gone...
 
 But I will fight continually for you to be a part of your family...

I love you still, I love you forever, I love you differently...very differently now my angel

You are lost, gone from this life...

Your speech is so difficult to understand and monotonous...

But that's OK,

I will be here for you...forever...

Walk beside you for an eternity...


me XXXXXXXxxxxXXXX