Saturday, 11 May 2013

Dear Alex, Esmie.

My Esmie, dressing up fun!

May 11th 2013

Dear Alex,

I almost bought a card for you today, almost...I saw one and the image made me think of you. I forget you cannot see, well, I forget at times. Then I remember and I look at 3 kids holding on to the trolley in the food shop, and the one browsing the cards for his friend, and how I love their faces, their expressions, their hands...when they bite their nails or they sit, slouched, sofa deep watching T.V. I just am in love with the vision of our kids. Something you will never have again... Not on their wedding day, nor their first child. Not for the simple things nor the complex. Not for the present nor the future, not ever, and I replace the card and sigh a deep soul groaning sigh.

"What day is it today Mummy? Is it Daddy coming home day?"
Esmie asks today. I have not heard her call it this before! "It's Thursday, sweetheart, daddy is home tomorrow, just one more sleep"

She dances around saying "Yey, Daddy's home tomorrow!" calling the others, letting her brother and sisters know that there is just one more sleep. She grows more familiar, more accustomed to and much happier around you. This is an absolutely precious moment, and the very next morning the first thing, groggy eyed and bed-haired, she says, "So daddy is home today, hey mummy?" And as I confirm this she smiles her biggest smile and squeezes my hands beaming.

Her childlike acceptance is something else, something pure, something to be treasured, remembered, kept in my memory box of moments to be grateful for.

There's more, she leaps as she awaits the taxi bringing you home, watching out the window, hearing the dog bark, she exclaims "it's daddy! Hey guys, it's daddy! it's daddy, daddy's home!"

She runs at you, takes a flying leap as you dismount the taxi ramp, still crying "yey, daddy's home!" And she plants so many kisses on your leg!

These moments I live for. Never assuming, hoping for, and there is one right there, more perfect than I could ever have planned. Beautiful moment, perfect moment, child's love for their dad, no matter how he is...And I am in love, with you, with the moment, with our baby girl...Proud and happy.

A joyful way to begin the weekend.

me xxxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Dear Alex, Regaining Control.

May 7th 2013

Dear Alex,

Day coming to a close, after school club runs finally over, kids, at last, asleep. Ticking clock the only noise, my dog comes over for a nuzzle. I am sat, as every evening I am, in front of my computer, page open, another letter to you.

I have felt so positively about your progress the past few weeks, and I realised today that your emotions  are more in control too. I visit you at the Care Home, although you cry (as you usually do when I come in) you quickly pull yourself together. You have made yourself do that, no instruction from me. Displaying that you are regaining control of your emotions, that you are also seeing relevant responses to situations. You are regaining some control!

So much progress, it seems to have suddenly sprung up. I feel calmer and less sad as a result, because I see for the first time since your accident, I see you slightly as I used to, this is not meant in a derogatory way, far from it, I mean that when I look at you, you do not seem as far away, as different. Even some of your facial expressions have begun to change as you have more control over your muscles and expressions.

I haven't felt this positive about your progress for such a long time.

I see, I think, where you can be, and I love the feeling of hope growing, hope fuelled thoughts, true bliss...

So I pause, for a while, mentally. I hope with progress blossoming. I look back at where we came from, and am looking forward, not peeking scared and alone at my future, but accepting and breathing in our future, with hope and some peace.

Alex, you are SO strong, so amazing and so loved.

me xxxxxxxx

Sunday, 5 May 2013

Dear Alex, "Will you marry me?"

5th May 2013

Dear Alex,

Carpet tells the day's story, hoovering up the debris, oats from bread making, mud from our 4 kids, the 3 kids from neighbouring houses traipsing in and out, pink fluff from dressing up. And as I hoover it all I breathe in thanks to the Most High for each event the debris represented, for the healthy kids, their friends, for outdoor play and little feet to bring it in, for food to cook and people to share it with... I smile as I hoover tonight.

It's been a busy one, but you have coped well. Although you were in bed at 7.30, out for the day! Eyes firmly shut, you ask me to climb in next to you-I tell a white lie about getting in later on, but we both do not fit in your single hospital bed.

'Will you marry me?' you ask earlier this morning in tears, for some reason this happens several times today. The same question, tears that flow. You fall asleep on the sofa, wake up crying, I manage to work out it is because you had a dream, you dreamed about me, not  abad dream, a good one you say, about how we used to be...

...The second time this week you are able to clearly recall how you have slept and your dreams. I feel like you are surfacing just that little bit more- memories are waking you and dreams are torturing you. But it is seemingly as you become more aware...

I wait for times such as this, pray for, holding my soul's breath for. This is such progress, and I am more excited by this show of more memory, of yuor dreams and's signs that 'you' are bubbling back up, and my baby, how I have longed for this!

I have discovered a great trick in helping you to recall events, when I ask you 'do you remember...?' You will shake your head, if after I ask you to pause and spend 10 seconds searching the memory, where it may be filed, you have now several times been able to give the correct answer! I am completely overwhelmed by this progress, so encouraged! It shows that there are still techniques we can learn to help you improve and most of all that you still continue to improve!

My angel, my answer to you each time you asked me to marry you today was 'yes, a million times over' ( even though we already married!)...because I can't imagine life without you...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx