28th September 2012
A strange sense befalls me this morning; a sense of cogs halting very suddenly, as I realise I am not in a rush. I do not need to run this morning.
It’s Friday, and home visit number 5 is scheduled for you…I am not needed to go in and pick you up, accompanying you on the to and from journeys. They are bringing you to me this morning! My pace halters and I am so strangely at odds. Not used to this. Keys open the door, I occupy the time washing clothes, changing beds, cleaning out cupboards (?!) and preparing for you. At 10.30 you arrive. Beaming face, mine too!
We listen to music and you sing your heart out to the Beatles ‘Abbey Road’. So many things come to me this morning. The lyrics are in your memory, and although if asked ‘do you remember…?’ your answer is frequently no. But this shows the depth of memory even if it is not consciously remembered.
This past week I have spent thinking about how we can move forward. Your progress was so obvious and outstanding to begin with, I have felt the drag of the slowness at which things are progressing lately. Often wondering to myself if this is finally it, as far as you are getting? Looking too far ahead, thinking of the years this will take and fearing for you, the kids, and me for all this entails.
Your visit home today, the fifth time goes so well, and your singing, your spirit, your smile, your communication display how much good this does you. I feel you have reached a point where you need different stimulation; it all speaks to your spirit. Your environment, separation from your family, medical surroundings, nurses tending to you. Your spirit, for a year now has been in this particular environment, and I think with your awareness and sometimes understanding of the situation your subconscious is crying out for more. It cries for more normality, not to be so shut away, detached.
I have been wondering about your progress, and I feel today spoke volumes of how, as I spoke of the other day, love, prayer and believing in this, refusing to let go of hope as the focus, the trust I am learning to have in the Most High, all of this, these ‘other’ things, I have realised their importance in your progress. It’s not as though I wouldn’t explain that to other people, to you, but I think saying something often enough can sometimes make you forget to act on it. Saying things is not enough, rather, it’s that true belief, realisation and wearing this like a second skin, inside and out, that makes the change.
These other factors are crucial. That’s why I want you home as soon as possible. Yes, you’ll need therapy and continued care on a daily basis, but being an outpatient somewhere, and coming home at the end of the day, waking up to the bedlam of four kids, cats mewing, the dog tripping you up in his desperation not to be forgotten about and wanting to come on the school run! This is how you will progress further, this will feed your inner spirit. A great deal of this is tied up with your subconscious, as the damage to your brain and your conscious thoughts is so profound.
It gave me a rest, a rest from a racing mind, from searching as to how I can help you further, I know and I see today the results. I spend time massaging your left arm and hand, stretching out the curled fingers. Orientating you by making sure your head is straight, and you are listening to make a picture of where things are in relation to you.
Legs up on the sofa, singing, stroking the cat, talking to me. I can’t tell you what seeing you like this has done for me today. I feel a sense of peace, of focus, and a quiet mind.
Today was incredible, more than that, it was unadulterated bliss! I felt true happiness in your arms today, lying next to you singing along to the Beatles too.
I tell you I am going into school to Mitzi’s class to do French with them every Friday afternoon, you raise your eyebrows, laugh and say ‘are you? What time?’ Just totally normally. You also told me you are able to notice light and dark, nothing more, but at least it is not total darkness all the time for you.
Thank you for the best day in nearly a year! It really was, and I am still grinning from inside out!
See you tomorrow my baby,