|Baby Mitzi with Alex, first few months in France...|
25th September 2012
Two-dozen birds take flight from the trees as I pass by today, on my way to visit you, breathing in the skies. A song I used to listen to on repeat as a kid ( a young one at that!) Climie Fisher, still thrown by his name, as if?! But still loving his song. ‘Love changes everything’ although admittedly, yes, is very cheesy! These lyrics force me to think. I feel the need to justify my taste in music here, but I shan’t, just that it is very eclectic and when Classic FM, French radio or Radio 2 aren’t on, pop channels do…
In many ways I am completely out of control in this situation. I can’t get you the right medicine to heal you, I can’t make you better. When at the start, I was told the worst I knew the only thing I had the power to do was refuse to let you part this world. Begging God to let you live, for the kids sake, for mine. I sat by your bedside in visiting hours loving you, feeding you hope, strength, praying, talking to you with no despair, just reassurance. I would brace myself before walking down the corridor, the end room on the right in Intensive Care, always shaking, crying helplessly, not able to stand in the queue as the others did, I crouched down, head often in my hands, trying not to pass out with the sting of the pain that is rife and crippling. A deep breath always before I went in, the a ‘hiya babes…’ and chatting about all I could think of, determined that my energy and how I was with you would bring you through…
Now I feel much the same. I feel so helpless at times, so confused, so inadequate in my desperation for you to progress, heal. The song I heard today reminded me of the power I believed love had at the time when your life was in question…for ten weeks I kept this up, and the positivity and hope that I have ever since.
Now a year on, however, I scroll down through September’s letters, knowing it’s been almost 12 months everyday I have written to you. Replacing the evening time we used to spend together, cuddled up in each other’s arms or sitting outside in the garden, or running up and downstairs to kids who wouldn’t sleep! It’s a cold replacement, a very obsolete one. Although it does serve in feeling connected with you in a way, something which is hard to feel with the distance between us…
I felt it was a lesson for me, this song. I haven’t heard it for possibly 2 decades! It, of course had me in floods, but being emotionally volatile is just part and parcel, I ignore myself crying these days it’s such a common occurrence! It was such a powerful reminder to me of how powerful love is.
One thing I have in abundance is love for you, the song I heard stood out as I haven’t’ heard it since I was a kid. It stood out because I have been feeling helpless and powerless. It was like a message directly to me, and I listened.
‘Love has a power of it’s own’
And it does. I have always believed that, why this has waned, I don’t know. Maybe due to the fact I am having to face this as a long-term thing, for the first time I have to accept this isn’t a ‘sprint’ as I had been so determined it would be when it first happened.
Anyway, here is the link for the song, I am going to play it to you tomorrow to see if you remember it, although you were probably busy listening to Bob Marley and doing other things….!
Check out Climie's hairdo!
So tonight, here’s to the power of love honey, and let’s see how high we can fly!
I love you,