Saturday, 22 September 2012

Dear Alex, A hero's welcome!!! (video)

The home visit yesterday was, as usual, indescribable bliss!! Here is a little video of Oliver the dog greeting Alex in the garden-he was TOO excited!

Oh, and excuse my 'talking to the dog voice' commentary!

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Dear Alex, Holding on...

20th September 2012

Dear Alex,

Home visit number 4 is coming up tomorrow! I have things to prepare, food to cook you, ramps to put in place. I will be collecting you from the centre at 10am, and I cannot wait...

There sleeps Esmie, in the bed I have made on the floor in my room, Monty’s turn in my bed, the room only just fits the little bed on the floor, or they’d all be in here! They are needing a lot of comforting at the moment. Which means I need to step up my ‘manning up’ skills. Put on the back burner my feelings, be bigger than I feel I ever can be to make sure they're alright, that they are heard, they can safely let their feeling and the tears roll.

Monty sobbing and declaring it has nearly been a year, that living for a whole year without you was unfair. The heaving 8-year-old boy shoulders, which carry so much, puncture my soul. Mitzi just ‘wants her daddy back’, Lola quietly clings to me, Esmie cries at times for her dad. I think we are all struggling at the moment. This year has seen you overnight going from ‘daddy invincible’ to you as we all knew you, vanishing. I talk often about how your heart, your love and feelings are no different, nothing can change the stamps on our hearts and souls. Although this is of little comfort at the moment. I think they all need to see you back to the way you were, and nothing changes that.

Monty (almost as big as me, which to be fair doesn’t take much!) sits cuddling into me on my lap and I try hard to console him, trying hard not feel the helpless guilt of not being able to take away their pain. As parents seeing our children suffer is one of the worst kinds of pain, especially when there’s not a great deal we can do about it.

I fight hard, baby, I really do, to not give in to feeling helpless, I try and shove myself out of those places-others have been so wonderful in offering help and comfort too, you wouldn’t believe it…

Nothing, nothing will ever replace the man you were, the father you were, I can only keep walking, keep tending to the kids’ tears. Be strong when you need me to be, and man, this has not broken me yet, and it most certainly won’t, honey!

I find myself writing again, tapping the keyboard the minute I have a moment, in vain attempts to write out my pain.

I see the hope, I will never lose sight of that, no matter how hard I might have to squint to recognise it. I close my eyes and picture you, I am able occasionally, and very briefly, to do this now, as I am scared I will lose those memories. Scared of losing you as you were altogether, erased from my mind. Never will it be erased from my heart, my soul, but as I haven’t been able to face picturing you before, I now worry the memories will leave me too…

Holding on to memories of you. I know this will never be again, but I will never give up the hope you will make it somewhere near.

The kids now sleep peacefully (who knows for how long?!) and I am now putting this to one side and I am going to look forward to tomorrow… there’s enough time for feeling sad, for tears to stream, so I need to concentrate on the happy things, the good things, and feel that too, when they are there…

I cannot wait to see you in the morning, I’m off to make your lunch now and prepare feeling grateful for the fact I do get to do that, there are situations so much worse…

I love you,

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Alex today...quick pic

I love you Alex........

me xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Dear Alex, My first dream of you...

My star!! page boy at the wedding....

17th September 2012

Dear Alex,

Quiet and more settled this week, you seem. You talk, respond, quietly, but desperate for my constant touch and today I feel calm leaving.

My grandpa (84), uncle and aunt come to visit you too today. They see the progress, it’s been a little while since they were in. I am so proud as they tell me the improvements they see-your posture, speech, the fact you can clench lightly with your left hand.

As I live this day-in-day-out I rarely see the improvements as big, I see minor, small progression, apart from your speech, which is far clearer, even though you speak tiredly and not so clearly today.

But when the kids are in bed, it all hits me again. I had the first dream I have ever had with you as your old self. It was snippets, I was watching video of you as you were, and it kept vanishing, too quickly for the kids, they kept missing the clips...I just couldn't get you to stay...

The first time I have dreamt of you as you were. It has unsettled me today, and the photo I think I am used to seeing of you and the kids, can pass without crying, has me on my knees in floods of helpless tears.

I feel exhausted, I am spent. To the core my body is crying out for rest. I have stomach cramps and have no you to help me put the kids to bed, or a shoulder to lean on as I do this all alone.

So I sit in the garden and turn to gratitude. It’s hard tonight, I feel pain for the kids, why were you robbed from them when they are at such a dependent, influential age? I know these thoughts get me nowhere, just spiral into resentment and not being able to control anything, I can not change it, I just have to do the best I can with it.

Challenges continue to jolt me. I find at times I crave to just ‘be’…but without you, I can’t do that. I don’t want to do that. I want to just ‘be’ with you next to me…

So the fight continues.

I will try and get to bed early tonight, put aside the things I should be doing, it’s going to be a busty rest of the week…Good things happening, but busy. And you get a home visit on Friday! That I am so excited about...I am like a kid at Christmas!

I crave you arms wrapped tightly around me tonight, this doesn’t seem real today, that I cannot have the simplicity of a cuddle from the one I love, I adore…

See you in the morning my angel. Keep making that progress, holding out for more and I am still here to carry you, you know I won’t be beaten!

Me xxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 17 September 2012

Dear alex, Stories at bedtime...

Our gorgeous niece and me at the wedding...

September 16th 2012

Dear Alex,

Mitzi wakes with earache, I dose her up on paracetamol and she asks what I am doing (it’s her turn in my bed) I tell her I am writing to you and she wanted to tell you some things as she puts it…that it’s nearly her birthday, that she’s having a party with her friends and that she loves you so so much…I will tell you all this tomorrow.

After the wedding on Friday and the weekend, there were a few things I needed to address. I needed, I saw, to dig in a little deeper in my trust, and in my belief that I am doing what is necessary. I realised that through this bit I have to carry you, and something in me has hardened in a good way since. I feel I conquered a heavy week and have come out stronger as a result of my resolutions. And boy I am set for the carrying!

I think you do need to see situations in the way they present themselves, and accept what it is you have to do in the light of it, accept it and move forward. And ‘carrying’ is my word of the week I think!

Today saw you tired, not up for a fight, not very responsive, just cuddling into me and loving me being there, but unresponsive and back to that phase for a bit I think.

So this week, again, I have been hit with another different phase in the recovery process. And you are very emotional too.

I manage to have a lovely bedtime with the kids, taking them up one at a time and reading separately with them. It’s lovely how even at nearly nine-years-old Monty goes ‘yes! Great!’ at the fact I am going to read him a story. They all snuggle into me as we read and it’s calm, and a world of imagination and cuddle time before lights out.

I know this is a short one tonight, but my goal is to be in bed before midnight, and have some research still to do for you…

I feel strong and well equipped this week, and I have no doubt that the amazing response from everyone last week has carried me, brought me strength when I needed it the most.

I hope this is a good week, you have a home visit on Friday which I am really looking forward to…

Sleep well my baby, and see you in the morning…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx