Dear Alex, My first dream of you...

My star!! page boy at the wedding....

17^th September 2012

Dear Alex,

Quiet and more settled this week, you seem. You talk, respond, quietly, but desperate for my constant touch and today I feel calm leaving.

My grandpa (84), uncle and aunt come to visit you too today. They see the progress, it’s been a little while since they were in. I am so proud as they tell me the improvements they see-your posture, speech, the fact you can clench lightly with your left hand.

As I live this day-in-day-out I rarely see the improvements as big, I see minor, small progression, apart from your speech, which is far clearer, even though you speak tiredly and not so clearly today.

But when the kids are in bed, it all hits me again. I had the first dream I have ever had with you as your old self. It was snippets, I was watching video of you as you were, and it kept vanishing, too quickly for the kids, they kept missing the clips...I just couldn't get you to stay...

The first time I have dreamt of you as you were. It has unsettled me today, and the photo I think I am used to seeing of you and the kids, can pass without crying, has me on my knees in floods of helpless tears.

I feel exhausted, I am spent. To the core my body is crying out for rest. I have stomach cramps and have no you to help me put the kids to bed, or a shoulder to lean on as I do this all alone.

So I sit in the garden and turn to gratitude. It’s hard tonight, I feel pain for the kids, why were you robbed from them when they are at such a dependent, influential age? I know these thoughts get me nowhere, just spiral into resentment and not being able to control anything, I can not change it, I just have to do the best I can with it.

Challenges continue to jolt me. I find at times I crave to just ‘be’…but without you, I can’t do that. I don’t want to do that. I want to just ‘be’ with you next to me…

So the fight continues.

I will try and get to bed early tonight, put aside the things I should be doing, it’s going to be a busty rest of the week…Good things happening, but busy. And you get a home visit on Friday! That I am so excited about...I am like a kid at Christmas!

I crave you arms wrapped tightly around me tonight, this doesn’t seem real today, that I cannot have the simplicity of a cuddle from the one I love, I adore…

See you in the morning my angel. Keep making that progress, holding out for more and I am still here to carry you, you know I won’t be beaten!

Me xxxxxxxxxx