Saturday, 13 October 2012

Dear Alex, an amazing picture of you, by our 6-year-old

Alex meets his 5-week-old niece for the first time!

13th October 2012

Dear Alex,

Saturday, morning off day, lie in till 8 am day, kids pulling at my eyelids saying ‘isn’t it time for you to get up now mummy?’ day…

It’s no rushing, lazing, pyjamas and toast. Marmite and cups of tea and groggy eyed and who cares? I love Saturday morning, it’s the only time we are in the house, not going anywhere before midday and it’s my mental ‘switch off’ time for a few hours of the week with the kids lounging, sprawled out on the sofa, legs up in the air drawing, making lego star wars scenes and ships and it’s bliss.

This is the book Mitzi had made this morning and it says ‘once upon a time’ for those who chose to read her writing as ‘wuns a por a tum’

It’s the first time any of my children have drawn a picture of you since the accident. I love the way you’re in your chair and she’s reaching out to you. I love the fact she’s so comfortable with how her daddy is. It was very significant to me that she drew this.

I have had to give my mind, my emotions some time off today. Knowing it’s not a school day, I have to be better still at making sure I am not struggling. I have spent the best part of this week puffy eyed and confused, I began to drown again, unable to pick myself up from the gut wrenches of missing who you were…

Someone said to me this week ‘oh, well at least he’ll have a good enough quality of life’ and it made me so angry, honey! A good enough quality of life? They have no idea how you were before, it felt so patronising, it made me see that what you have is so many light years away from what you had and where you were. It spiralled a destructive train of thoughts, everything has been robbed from you, your chance to be a father to our kids, your chance to be a protective, loyal, loving, providing husband. Everything. And I was struck with bitterness for your situation, heartache for you whenever I saw you, hardly recognising who you are now. It was difficult to come in, I felt like running away and hiding till it was better again. But I can’t do that!

So that’s why today I had to refocus myself, make sure I wasn’t falling apart in front of the kids- they’ve been through enough…

I have no idea when it’ll hit again. It does just appear to do that. But for tonight, for now, I feel strong enough not to dwell for a while on who you were and how much I miss that. I just need to focus on where we’re going, and how we will get there.

I love you regardless of all the emotions I go through too, Alex…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Friday, 12 October 2012



Many of you are aware of my story already. If not, you can go here to read how Alex’s accident happened initially.

Since, life has been not easy (understatement!), and is made worse by navigating a system which, whilst trying to support my now severely disabled and blind 33-year-old husband Alex, and our four kids aged 4-8, has made the situation even more traumatic.

Tonight, via BABYHUDDLE.COM we are standing up for what is right, gathering signatures from everyone on a petition that we the people, whoever or wherever we are, will send to George Osborne.

Imposing a proposed 10bn cut in the Welfare system when there is a clear need to support the sick, ill and genuinely dependent is absurd.

This sends the wrong message to those who DEPEND on this, and genuinely depend on it. This is not a message or a cut we the Democratic public have agreed upon or suggested. We would most certainly suggest other ways of preventing this cut, budgeting in other areas (are your expenses (MPs) really that necessary, for example?). There needs to be input from US the people, that's why we put people such as you, Chancellor Osborne, in power- WE did that! So listen to US! We must ALL take responsibility somehow for the state the country is in.

Although I am the example being quoted, this is something I feel SO strongly about, having seen and living out what it means to be in a dependent place and not having the means (not lacking the motivation or drive) to go out and earn a salary to provide for a completely dependant husband and 4 small children.

Mr Osborne, DO NOT MAKE THESE EXTREME CUTS, but budget elsewhere.

SO many will suffer, so many real life, genuine cases, families, elderly, sick and disabled people will suffer.

WE cannot stand by and let this happen.

PLEASE SIGN the petition on HERE,

PLEASE share the link

PLEASE be on TWITTER at 8.30 to help launch our Twitter campaign tonight…(you can have a glass of wine and do it, we don’t mind!)

Thanks in advance for all your help, come one peeps lets see where we can take this!!

Sunday, 7 October 2012

Dear Alex, The Grasshopper...

October 7th 2012

Dear Alex,

I flick the switch of the kettle, on maybe my 18th cup of the day! My eye is caught, on my cream bread bin there is the most beautiful, bright green grasshopper. It doesn’t move, just sits there, clinging to the bread bin, I feel it looking at me-seriously! It’s eyes red, and the brightness of the green, I felt like it was trying to tell me something. I know this can be dismissed, but personally I do sometimes feel  that passing scenes, skies, random sightings of creatures, people passing at just the right time, I do believe there is a significance in this, someone trying to break through and speak to us.

The grass hopper stayed put as I ran to get my camera. It stayed put for the photos, and I eventually picked it up very gently and squished it…Joking…I placed it back outside on the grass.

I looked up the symbology of grasshoppers, and this is what I found:

Grasshopper Symbology -- The grasshopper is associated with astral travel. They have the ability to leap through time and into space where the true mysteries of life exist. People with this medicine have the wisdom necessary to overcome obstacles efficiently and are able to jump into successful ventures without preparation or planning. When the grasshopper appears to us we are being asked to take a leap of faith and jump forward into a specific area of life without fear.
Grasshoppers can only jump forward....not backward, or sideways. So, when grasshopper shows up he could be reaffirming to you that you are taking the right steps to move forward in your current situation. Or it could be that he is telling you to go ahead and move forward, getting past what is hindering you. This is why grasshopper is the symbol of good luck all over the world. Grasshopper's ability to connect and understand sound vibrations is why he is also a symbol of your inner voice. He could be telling you to trust yours.

I speak often of this situation being somewhere we have no idea where it will lead. We have no idea how we will get there, or even what it is we are heading for. This has taken all my faith, belief and hope to get thus far.

I found this a great comfort reading this, I have felt very much recently that I have to trust what I believe is best for you, Alex, no matter how I hard I have to fight to get that.

Autumn is your favourite time of year. It holds the most beautiful memories for me too. Walking against the sharp winds, watching breath cloud ahead of you. Hands in gloves, red cheeks. Crunching of leaves, in their red, gold, yellow, brown hues. The evenings are the cosy ones, where you get in and warm up. Heating on, hot chocolate time, smells of cooking and hot soapy bubble baths. Those dog walks we would go on, wrapped up and ready to brace the fresh air.

You never cared about clothes, you didn’t have a coat warm enough, just piled on the hoodies! I remember the layers to keep you warm.

When I see you now, I wish more than anything we could go out for a walk.

Those Autumn days; what beautiful memories.

And my grasshopper, what a reminder to carry on, trusting in what I believe is right, taking a leap of faith and believing in more healing…

‘Without fear’ this clearly comes through too. If we trust, we don’t need to fear. I do feel scared quite a lot, because you were just so much my protector. But I have to do this without you doing this for me, so I have no choice!

See you in the morning my baby,


Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx