Saturday, 13 October 2012

Dear Alex, an amazing picture of you, by our 6-year-old

Alex meets his 5-week-old niece for the first time!

13th October 2012

Dear Alex,

Saturday, morning off day, lie in till 8 am day, kids pulling at my eyelids saying ‘isn’t it time for you to get up now mummy?’ day…

It’s no rushing, lazing, pyjamas and toast. Marmite and cups of tea and groggy eyed and who cares? I love Saturday morning, it’s the only time we are in the house, not going anywhere before midday and it’s my mental ‘switch off’ time for a few hours of the week with the kids lounging, sprawled out on the sofa, legs up in the air drawing, making lego star wars scenes and ships and it’s bliss.

This is the book Mitzi had made this morning and it says ‘once upon a time’ for those who chose to read her writing as ‘wuns a por a tum’

It’s the first time any of my children have drawn a picture of you since the accident. I love the way you’re in your chair and she’s reaching out to you. I love the fact she’s so comfortable with how her daddy is. It was very significant to me that she drew this.

I have had to give my mind, my emotions some time off today. Knowing it’s not a school day, I have to be better still at making sure I am not struggling. I have spent the best part of this week puffy eyed and confused, I began to drown again, unable to pick myself up from the gut wrenches of missing who you were…

Someone said to me this week ‘oh, well at least he’ll have a good enough quality of life’ and it made me so angry, honey! A good enough quality of life? They have no idea how you were before, it felt so patronising, it made me see that what you have is so many light years away from what you had and where you were. It spiralled a destructive train of thoughts, everything has been robbed from you, your chance to be a father to our kids, your chance to be a protective, loyal, loving, providing husband. Everything. And I was struck with bitterness for your situation, heartache for you whenever I saw you, hardly recognising who you are now. It was difficult to come in, I felt like running away and hiding till it was better again. But I can’t do that!

So that’s why today I had to refocus myself, make sure I wasn’t falling apart in front of the kids- they’ve been through enough…

I have no idea when it’ll hit again. It does just appear to do that. But for tonight, for now, I feel strong enough not to dwell for a while on who you were and how much I miss that. I just need to focus on where we’re going, and how we will get there.

I love you regardless of all the emotions I go through too, Alex…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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