Friday, 26 April 2013

For Matilda Mae and jennie xxx

How do you say goodbye to a life so short,
a life that ought
To have continued on and on,
not taken before she was even one.

How to offer comfort to someone you do not really know,
To someone whose pain you cannot fathom...
A pain I pray I will never know.

Your baby's smile I can see, lit up a room,
lifted anyone who was special enough to witness it,
lifting them from their gloom.

There's no comfort I can write,
No words,
No amount of tears from a stranger
That will make any of your pain alright.

I am sorry and I am sad.

I Have lit a candle today for your precious little one,
As she blows bubbles in heaven with the creator,
Rainbow bubbles raining down on everyone.


Thursday, 25 April 2013

Dear Alex, Seeing a Ghost

25th April 2013

Dear Alex,

Blossom petals blow ground-ward, Monty points this out to me on the school run this morning, after I catch him standing under a tree watching. I love he noticed this, the rest are riding their bikes this morning, and Oliver pulls at every smell en route. Blue sky, a mind full of thoughts and a need for caffeine.

A man cycles by, head shaved, maroon jumper, black shorts just as you used to wear, and my heart stops before relaunching its beat. It could have been you, the clothes, physique...Of course it's not, but I realise I do not see you as that person anymore. Almost like I have forgotten how you used to be. And it is a very strange moment on the walk to school this beautiful morning.

Mitzi asks 'what's wrong, mummy?' sensing my sudden change in air, to which I reply that I feel like I have just seen a ghost...

You come home tomorrow, but I know you are still not at the stage where you remember that you come home, or when. I know you still don't understand a great deal. You understand you are at home when you are, that you are in a Care Home, but the other day I ask you if you know where you are and when you reply 'no' and I explain about the Care home, you are shocked, "Am I?' you ask. 

On occasion you will retain a new memory for a short while. I think this is progress. Your emotions seem slightly more settled too. Not a huge change, but recently you calm down more quickly and can do it yourself too. When sometimes you just need or want to cry and I don't speak, I just tell you I love you and let you cry, I have noticed you sometimes calm down of your own accord. 

You seem to be holding your head better, well, certainly when I am there.

You can be a bit more involved in a conversation, not just zoning out, but listening to conversations around you and sometimes picking up on a comment and asking something or making a comment in reply.

Tonight I write, laptop on my lap, cup of tea next to me, music plays..."And I will run with faith, with perseverance through this race"...

I will always be waiting for the old you to come back to me, logically I know this is an impossibility, but my heart and soul will always wait in the deepest of hope. But I will keep running this race honey, carrying you alongside, doing what I think is best for you and those incredible gifts we were given, our wonderful kids.

See you here, on the sofa next to me tomorrow night...

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

A Review: John Lewis anti-allergy pillows

Pillows, what a wonderful invention! imagine having to sleep without them, I know I can't. But when you sleep on pillows as rubbish as the ones I have had all my married life, you may as well be sleeping on nothing, in fact, you would be better off!

Until trying out these pillows for a fortnight, I hadn't realised that it was possible to wake in the morning without neck pain, hadn't, in fact realised something as simple as a bad pillow could be responsible for neck pain.

I was sent two John Lewis anti-allergy microfibre pillows, say that after a few glasses! Such a good thing to own, especially in a household containing a plethora of animals, kids and adults...

They are washable, so on a hot wash (60 degrees) it is like having a new pillow all over again. Thus helping coughs, asthma (due to allergies) and many more health related issues due to allergy. I, for one, am now a big fan!

Here's what they say:

"A luxurious microfibre-filled pillow with added Amicor™ anti allergy protection.
Amicor™ is a revolutionary, intelligent fibre designed to prevent allergies caused by house dustmites. Blending Amicor™ with the finest polyester fibres makes this pillow comparable to natural down, while offering long-lasting protection and comfort.
The free flowing micro-clusters mould to the head and neck encouraging a restful night's sleep.
These pillows have the British Allergy Foundation Seal of Approval."

Washable and comfortable- pillow perfection!

(*Disclaimer, this is not a sponsored post, although I did receive two of the aforementioned pillows to review)

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Dear Alex, Since...

Dear Alex,

I came across this photo and wrote this:

Where are you?
Best friend that used to be,

How long it has been
Since I was held by you,
Since I was consoled by you

And everyday I wake into
A life I live without you
That you,
That you

I almost can't see you now,
The you we had together
The you who made me
The you who saved me

How long till I will feel you once more
Feel you like it used to be

That you and that me against the world

That you and that me who strove together,
Discovered together,
Grew together
Knew together

Since you were not you anymore
I've felt cold and different
alone, insecure

No 'you' coming back
No 'you' to comfort me
No 'you' to decide with me

No... 'you'.

Monday, 22 April 2013

Dear Alex, Still not home...

One of Alex....

21st April 2013

Dear Alex,

"Hiya Daddy, we are back" Esmie shouts through the cat flap.

"Sweetheart he's not here, he had to go back"

Her face saddens, "Oh, but I wanted to tell him I am the little bear at school in the story, why does he keep not living here?"

She is right. And right there is what I love, calling to her daddy with such normality, telling him about something that happened at school, it is all that I love. And tonight, you don't get to her her little story she wanted to tell you, because tonight was Monday, and tonight is the day you go back.

As i mention the taxi is there to pick you up, you immediately start to question 'why is it here? I'm not going back? Where am I going? Are you coming with me? Am I coming back? I don't want to go'

The questions descend slowly, they are not all spoken very coherently, I have to finish some off for you as you struggle to get out the questions. But the amazing thing is you manage to question, about a situation, you manage to form into words your fears and articulate them without much help AND you manage to ask several not just one. I have to hang onto what this shows me about your progress, because your face has that drawn desolate look again, and I feel the heaviness of your heart as you will soon forget that I will be in first thing tomorrow after dropping the kids off at school. You won't remember the comfort you sought for a few moments in knowing I would be in very soon...

I walk home from school, knowing you're not there.

A carer this weekend summed it up for me, she has known Alex a little while now and remarked that 'Alex with you and the kids is like Alex times 10, he laughs differently, smiles differently, his posture, whole demeanour is different'

I sit in the now quiet, ticking of the clock and whirring of the washing machine, and I just wish you were here too.

Tomorrow morning cannot come soon enough angel, I will be there to comfort you and be with you and you will know you are safe.

I will pray for undisturbed sleep and calm dreams for you.

I love you Alex. I'm sorry you are still not home where you belong.

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx