Monday, 22 April 2013

Dear Alex, Still not home...

One of Alex....

21st April 2013

Dear Alex,

"Hiya Daddy, we are back" Esmie shouts through the cat flap.

"Sweetheart he's not here, he had to go back"

Her face saddens, "Oh, but I wanted to tell him I am the little bear at school in the story, why does he keep not living here?"

She is right. And right there is what I love, calling to her daddy with such normality, telling him about something that happened at school, it is all that I love. And tonight, you don't get to her her little story she wanted to tell you, because tonight was Monday, and tonight is the day you go back.

As i mention the taxi is there to pick you up, you immediately start to question 'why is it here? I'm not going back? Where am I going? Are you coming with me? Am I coming back? I don't want to go'

The questions descend slowly, they are not all spoken very coherently, I have to finish some off for you as you struggle to get out the questions. But the amazing thing is you manage to question, about a situation, you manage to form into words your fears and articulate them without much help AND you manage to ask several not just one. I have to hang onto what this shows me about your progress, because your face has that drawn desolate look again, and I feel the heaviness of your heart as you will soon forget that I will be in first thing tomorrow after dropping the kids off at school. You won't remember the comfort you sought for a few moments in knowing I would be in very soon...

I walk home from school, knowing you're not there.

A carer this weekend summed it up for me, she has known Alex a little while now and remarked that 'Alex with you and the kids is like Alex times 10, he laughs differently, smiles differently, his posture, whole demeanour is different'

I sit in the now quiet, ticking of the clock and whirring of the washing machine, and I just wish you were here too.

Tomorrow morning cannot come soon enough angel, I will be there to comfort you and be with you and you will know you are safe.

I will pray for undisturbed sleep and calm dreams for you.

I love you Alex. I'm sorry you are still not home where you belong.

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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