|One of Alex....|
21st April 2013
"Hiya Daddy, we are back" Esmie shouts through the cat flap.
"Sweetheart he's not here, he had to go back"
Her face saddens, "Oh, but I wanted to tell him I am the little bear at school in the story, why does he keep not living here?"
She is right. And right there is what I love, calling to her daddy with such normality, telling him about something that happened at school, it is all that I love. And tonight, you don't get to her her little story she wanted to tell you, because tonight was Monday, and tonight is the day you go back.
As i mention the taxi is there to pick you up, you immediately start to question 'why is it here? I'm not going back? Where am I going? Are you coming with me? Am I coming back? I don't want to go'
The questions descend slowly, they are not all spoken very coherently, I have to finish some off for you as you struggle to get out the questions. But the amazing thing is you manage to question, about a situation, you manage to form into words your fears and articulate them without much help AND you manage to ask several not just one. I have to hang onto what this shows me about your progress, because your face has that drawn desolate look again, and I feel the heaviness of your heart as you will soon forget that I will be in first thing tomorrow after dropping the kids off at school. You won't remember the comfort you sought for a few moments in knowing I would be in very soon...
I walk home from school, knowing you're not there.
A carer this weekend summed it up for me, she has known Alex a little while now and remarked that 'Alex with you and the kids is like Alex times 10, he laughs differently, smiles differently, his posture, whole demeanour is different'
I sit in the now quiet, ticking of the clock and whirring of the washing machine, and I just wish you were here too.
Tomorrow morning cannot come soon enough angel, I will be there to comfort you and be with you and you will know you are safe.
I will pray for undisturbed sleep and calm dreams for you.
I love you Alex. I'm sorry you are still not home where you belong.