Saturday, 8 December 2012

Back by popular request: Thought for the Day...#1

I am re-starting my Thought for the Day!! Hooooorah! I hear every last one of you cry...

Shhhhhhhhhh now,

Here's the first...

So when you're feeling the pressure this week, take a second to step back and readdress that balance!!

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Dear Alex, Readdressing The Balance.

Lola and her Daddy x

4th December 2012

Dear Alex,

Fourteen months today. Drawing a bath, plop in bath bomb, given to me by a friend with instructions to ‘chill out for a few minutes!’. I follow orders. I stop. I’m not good at baths. Yes, I wash (!), but a bath, well, you have to sit still, worse, lie still, and I don’t really do sitting, or ‘still’…so I change my own record, I stop, lie and soak in the bath bomb bath. I manage twenty minutes (a record I think!). a personal best!

Mini starts from the bomb cling to wet skin, float carelessly in water deep and warm. A million thoughts cross my mind. I let them wash over me, and decide on one that enters it, ‘readdress’.

I’ve been slipping, been dragging boulders of expectation that a system will work, of desperation watching you regress, of a boy who’s lost the dad that he knew and is angry and who cries in his sleep and sobs helplessly at times ‘but not over dad, mum’ in the day. Boulders too large, a body too tired to carry them. And I realise, I need to let go of them. I need to move forward. I’m dredging through mud and churning up more mud. I need to readdress the balance.

I am the first one to say that if you can not change other people, or if you cannot change a situation, you need to find what you CAN do, and that is always, that you have the power to change how you deal with it. So do I heed my own advice? Well, I have to!

I can’t change the system, the fact that it is like this for me, means it’s the same, maybe even worse for others. There’s no way I am unique in this. I need to change how I deal with it. So will expect it, expect it to be a nightmare, that things will not easily get done, that I will be forced to speak to 18 different people or organisations before I even start on the right track! If I expect the worst-I can only be pleasantly surprised, well probably drop dead on the spot actually, if something goes right…

Is this pessimistic?? I don’t actually think so, I’m changing my expectations, expecting nothing, so anything more is a bonus! It’s realistic. It’s helping me not to have a nervous breakdown!

Lets face it we are all busy, we all have things that do not work out. And I bet you anything when you ask a friend/colleague tomorrow how they’re doing, the response will be ‘oh, you know, busy!’. Why do we all have this need to prove how busy we are? I’d love to hear someone say, ‘busy, but do you know what, how amazing it is that I have arms to do what I have to do, that I can speak coherently to you now, enough that you understand me, that I am going to go home to a home, a bed, warmth and food tonight..’ tell you what, I’d drop dead on the spot again!

So that’s me, Alex, readdressing, stopping the whinge, ploughing on, battling red tape and systems and holding on to the fact that you are still here and thank goodness I get to fight this for you!!

Readdressing, my word for the week!

I love you Alex Wood, I am such a lucky girl and I am back, boulder free and readdressed!

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Dear Alex, WHY??

Tarzan Lola in the garden in France...

4th December 2012

Dear Alex,

A day at home (I’m coming in after school with the kids), of doing things and washing of catching up and cooking. Mending the washing machine, cupboard door repaired, curtain rail fallen down, and I do it, knots in the pits of my stomach, tightness in my chest, with one word flashing like a Hollywood banner blinking on and off angrily, the word is ‘WHY?’.

Not why has this happened, but why all this surrounding you, why the nightmare, the battle constant and wearing. The things I am trying to facilitate, which should be straightforward. Everything feels like a minefield, I started trying to get over night stays in place at least 4 weeks ago. Everyday I have spent since then trying to find the right team of people, the, then, right person who in fact won’t deal with it because it’s not been referred by the right person yet. Who in turn tells me they can't refer it yet because they had never even heard of you, because the person who was supposed to do it, didn’t, or people wondering how it is that I am ringing because normally it supposed to be someone from the place you're in, or acting on my behalf (who doesn’t exist) it shouldn’t be down to me (poor me!) but they would have to wait till so and so rang them with whatever they were supposed to ring them with… well you can see can't you?? Everyday, for a month I have had this, and just when I felt I was getting somewhere, everything starts all over again as they decide in fact, you need a reassessment, because in the time its taken to get that far, you have deteriorated, regressed, and you’ll need other equipment now as a result…and AGGGRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I’m physically exhausted- whenever I am with you I am encouraging you, correcting you, helping your position, your posture, telling you to keep your eyes open, they are closed almost all the time these days (I feel as though you've given up). I try and help you with your speech, it's incomprehensible without the right input…and the list goes on. And so I work at you, on you, for you…but it feels like I am getting nowhere, and it all feels like such a race against time as I watch you regressing before my so-deeply-in-love-with-you eyes.

And still no news, nothing about a house…

So I take a second to try and unravel myself from the taught grip of troubles, always trying to take a moment to give thanks. That I have a phone, a paid phone bill which means I can at least make the calls…that I have ears that hear, the ability to speak, hands to dial the numbers! Well, it’s digging deep, but when you think how some people live…

Thank you that you got to come home yesterday, thank you for Mitzi flinging herself in your arms as you pick them up from school for the first time! That your smile at passing the day on our sofa at home, never left your lips…for all these things I give thanks and I am blessed…

But please, please, just a little glimmer…that’s all I am after!

See you with the kids in a few hours...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx