26th October 2012
Retreating back to the warmth of this house, the silence echoes. The bitter cold windy day has my hands tight, my nose red, my shoulders shrugged up, resting around my head bracing the Autumn air and rain.
I’m not writing much at the moment Alex. I’m having to go through what I am. I have no idea how I’m getting through the days. The ache, the throb of my heart broken just paces out loud.
Whatever anyone may think, I face the facts of the future, the facts of a past gone. No matter what your progress, however good or fast or small and slow. The facts remain. I am bringing the kids up, all four smiling chattering faces, kicking leaves on the way to school, holding hands, morning discussions and intermittent skips, without you. I gain so much strength from them. I am facing the fact that I have no companionship, you’re not there to parent with me, love me as a husband loves his wife, look after me, protect me.
This is one or two of the multitude of things I am grappling to come to terms with at the moment.
And in it all, we had a decade together of bliss, hard times, arguments, making-ups. Parenting together. Walking side-by-side in our morals, beliefs, thoughts, spiritual path and how we should parent.
This is over a year on. I think the year I have lived has sucked me through and spat me out, now saying, ‘right this is your reality now, and Alex isn’t there to wrap you in his arms and tell you it’ll be ok, you’re on your own with this one’.
I have the odd day I feel a bit better. But dragging around this weight inside, I find I cry whenever I’m alone. It bubbles up, unable to suppress it if a friend asks ‘how are you?’ in the playground, I choke, tears fall.
And I don’t feel sorry for myself, I hate ‘being this way out’. I do see the immense privilege I have in having the kids, a roof over my head, friends, family who care.
I just can’t stop the ache. Because you saved me, you were my knight in shining armour, 11 years ago you found me, 10 years you protected me. I could never live without you. And this is what this is-living without you.
Oh Alex, I hate being this sad. I wish you could talk it through with me, like we used to talk everything through.
You can't even promise me you’ll come back, and that's the hardest part…..